I thought I would write a blog on a Christmas theme for today, given that it’s just around the corner. I picked the War On Christmas after reading an amusing article about how Xmas is in fact an ancient Greek abbreviation for Christmas, (X= “Chi,” which was frequently used as a short form for “Christ”) and how the author thought that people who got all bent about “Xmas taking the Christ out of Christmas” were really funny. Chuckling in agreement, I set out to do a little research of my own.
I thought to tackle the blog from the point of view of a hard-bitten atheist who nevertheless couldn’t give a fart in a hurricane how anyone else chose to celebrate their holiday. It seemed a good enough place to start. From what I could gather the fear seemed primarily that atheists were attempting to wring the religious significance from Sweet Baby Jesus’ special day. See, while I don’t believe in any gods, (except maybe Joss Whedon) I love Christmas. There is nothing about Christmas better for me than watching loved ones open gifts you found for them, wrapped, and presented to them under a lit and twinkling tree, with the sounds of Christmas music and the smell of pine. It evokes feelings of family, comfort, love, and nostalgia. (And don’t forget the dinners!) Now obviously Jesus doesn’t enter into my celebration… there’s a statuette of Tinkerbell atop my tree. But I celebrate nonetheless, godlessly, with my family and friends.
More to the point, I refuse to care how the religious choose to observe their holiday. (See the aforementioned fart.) So if I — representing as I assumed I did, the majority of not only atheists but non-religious observers of the holiday — posed no threat to Christmas in Christian households, then with whom were the Christmas Warriors conducting their war? Faithfully, I girded my loins (hee-hee!) and took to the intrawebs in search of the perfidious enemies of my favorite holiday.
As I’m sure you’re all already aware, I discovered nothing. Pretend to be surprised.
Well, I found the American Family Association, who keeps a “Naughty or Nice” list showing which companies are “for” or “against” Christmas. In case you were wondering, being against Christmas really just means being inclusive. For instance, if you say you are running a “Christmas Sale” at your store, then you are For Christmas. If, on the other hand you say you are running a “Holiday Sale,” (that includes Christmas as well as everyone else’s end of the year celebrations) then you are Against Christmas and the AFA recommends that all the god-fearing faithful boycott your place of employ and hopefully drive you out of business so that you and your family die cold and penniless in the street. I don’t know if the AFA is really that mean, or if they simply haven’t thought this thing out.
I also found FOX News, which apparently runs a bunch of spots every Christmas season about how some parade in Bumblefuck Ohio changed its name from the Bumblefuck Christmas Parade to the Bumblefuck Holiday Parade. Beware! For the Liberals have come down the chimney and stolen your stockings and treeses, your Christmas cookies and cheeses, all of your presents and last but not least… those dirty Liberals stole the Who-pudding and roast Beast. Or so you are supposed to believe. As far as I could tell, nobody other than FOX and the AFA, who were purportedly defending it, gave a crap how anyone chose to observe the holidays. It was hard to visualize this being much of a “war”.
At the end, I thought I might try to attack Christmas myself, just so the defenders would feel justified. You know, throw ’em a little bone. But ultimately, I simply didn’t care enough. I’m cooking a goose on Sunday and I’ve got to prepare the dry brine tonight, and I just don’t have the energy. Christmas may come on the 25th, but my family will be here on the 18th.
I know you Super-Christians like to fight and have wars and stuff over the things that are really important to you, but from this atheist right here? I wish you a Merry… and peaceful… Christmas.