The Thursday Blog: “Christian Patriot” Edition

Pastor Grant Storms (53) was a good man. A godly man. A man who described himself to his followers as a “Christian Patriot,” and a man for whom talking the talk was simply not enough. In order to spread god’s love far and wide Pastor Grant would regularly organize forays into New Orleans’ French Quarter, he and his flock equipped with bullhorns, to lovingly harass, belittle, and repudiate any gay people they could find.

The good pastor’s most bestest time of the year was the Southern Decadence festival, which is a huge gay pride event often described as the “Gay Mardi Gras.” With bibles, picket signs, and megaphones, Pastor Grant and congregants would hold their own anti-gay Purity Parades through the middle of the French Quarter, lovingly disrupting festival activities. Because of the volume with which the pastor and his pals were spreading the love/hate, the city of New Orleans was forced to ban megaphones, bullhorns, and all other amplification devices in the city streets. In his own description of his behavior, the pastor says that he was vicious in his condemnation of others. (But lovingly so.)

In February of this year at a playground in Lafreniere Park, two women spotted Pastor Grant Storms watching the playing children in the park while masturbating in the front seat of his van. The women alerted a park attendant who called the police, who lovingly arrested Pastor Grant.

The pastor told the police that he had simply been peeing into a bottle, and that nothing ungodly had been occurring. After multiple eyewitness accounts of Pastor Grant sharing god’s love with himself arose, he admitted that he had put his hand down his pants and even said he was ashamed for having done it, but did not admit to masturbating, and adamantly denied his lust for childflesh. Confronted with those same eyewitness accounts of him actually masturbating while watching children, the pastor said he was a sex addict, and had been looking at porn before he came to the park. (He also cited this as the reason for his estrangement from his wife and four children. There was no comment on whether or not he liked to masturbate when he watched his own kids play.)

It seems that if there is a god, he just may have a sense of humor.

42 Responses to The Thursday Blog: “Christian Patriot” Edition

  1. If he’d just been driving by and spanking his monkey I might believe he wasn’t into little kids, but if he stopped there I gotta think he’s a pedo. The Fundies are worse than the Catholics these days. In unrelated news, Silvio Berlusconi has resigned, causing the dow to dip 300 pts as everyone immediately sold their shell companies in Italy. His amazing resume includes bombing his fellow citizens while masquerading as a communist terrorist to win conservative elections, pope-killing, president-killing (fake communist terrorist again), robbing the Vatican bank and all the other banks in Italy through a spinoff mason lodge, rape, and more recently being the only prime minister (Italy has a president and a prime minister, it’s a Roman thing) to be indicted for five felonies, convicted of three, beat all three on appeal by changing the statute of limitations to 5 years, is present owner of all major TV in Italy. At least that’s the resume as best I can recall it. Wikipedia makes him look like a saint today…

  2. Careful there Kevin, someone might think you’re making a sarcastic joke about how The Flying Spaghetti Monster’s noodles touch everything. You believe in The Pasta, don’t you?

  3. He loves purity + children are pure = he loves children, duh.

    Being fundamentally against religion ( intellectually so, with a lot of clear, good and sensible arguments), It is with regret that I know that humanity will cling to it for a few more … eons at the very least.

    … and that this kind of cases are the tiny, relatively harmless tip of the iceberg.

      • During the Crusades, one of the theory of the time for their failures was that the crusaders weren’t “pure enough” and thus around 1200 happened a couple of “Crusades of the Children”, involving as their name suggest a large percentage of young / very young common folks. Poverty + youth = “too pure to fail”

        … But these pure crusaders were actually dangerous bands of marauding looters, pillaging everything they could in the name of God on their way to the Holy Land. A fair deal died crossing the Alps to Italy and it is believed that upon reaching Genova, the rest got enslaved and sold off.

        Purity… That is a concept that has been abused for a long, long time ; )

    • I don’t know, man. Religion is definitely dying in the modern world.

      Turkey and the USA are the only Christian countries to take creationism seriously – and the USA is all “OH MY GOSH ATHEISM IS GROWING!?!” (according to youtube anyway). World leading countries in a huge number of fields are very secular. Islamic countries are exploding in rage, I think, because they see how their grip on the world is collapsing.

      Look at how far secularism has come in the past 50 years. Give it another 50 years and see how it’s doing before saying “eons.”

        • There’s more to it than that: The number of children per family is dropping greatly around the world as people become more urbanized and children aren’t a pair of hands to help on the farm at age 2 anymore. More secular people born and raised in cities are either seeking to actively limit their fertility with birth control or becoming hostile to the idea of children in some cases because of the economic pressures not to have children. In the face of this the religious loonies like your polygamist-fundamentalist Mormons are the people having and raising ever greater percentages of the children.
          Also: Economic stress always pushes people to look for solutions and also tends to make them simplify their perception of the world. Mystic bullshit like, “Original sin means that this life was destined for suffering, but believe and make donations to this church and you shall have paradise in the afterlife,” will fit that demand for people too socially and/or mentally weak to recognize it as bullshit.
          Pushing both of those two things is the world economic slowdown which is felt everywhere in the first world: The rich noticed that at the end of the USSR there was no popular ideology to oppose crony capitalism strong enough so they pushed through”deregulation” and “globalization” which actually meant the rich people getting what they wanted and setting it up so that countries had all signed treaties to say that they weren’t allowed to undo that. This makes more people poor and religion flourishes under poverty.

        • As the possibly fictitious Gary Brecher/War Nerd says: Long duration wars are all about the birth rate and death rate.

        • I don’t really think so. Admittedly, atheism became a big bad during the cold war because of the Soviets (and the USA needed a way to differentiate themselves, and a good chunk of the western world followed suit), but it’s not like being an atheist was “ok” during the 10’s to the 40’s.

  4. Ok. ewww.

    first, bull horn to harass people, who is that going to “enlighten”? Then the masterbate while watching children? I would wager he was watching boys, the whole “me thinks he doth protest too much” about the gay thing makes me think that. Either way, a sicko who is using a religion as a cover for hating himself (or just as a cover to let him have access maybe?).

    of course not all pastors are child molestors. Sorry, but I just want to make that claim. I SURE hope it is true. I knew a few I want to believe were good people….

    • A bullhorn? Of course; he must make sure those sinners hear THE TRUTH.

      Well, I suspect that’s his justification anyway. Actually I’m somewhat surprised he doesn’t contend that these man-made ordinances fall before his God given mission. I mean that almost makes it sound like he may be insincere.

    • That’s a lot of people, chances are very good because for it to be true only one of them has to not be a kiddie diddler. I would go so far as to say I would be shocked if it weren’t true because that would mean it would be necessary to lock up every pastor. Having met politicians that are genuinely interested in the public good and lawyers that were honest I’m certain that exceptions exist.
      I don’t even think the majority of pastors were kiddie diddlers; it’s a proposition for which I have seen no credible proof and I’m sure that if it were a high enough percentage that organized religion would be collapsing as we speak. I’m sure the news reports about the matter are distorting the perceptions on the issue more than the number of reported incidents* would justify.

      *Shockingly unexpected/unusual things do that, note how America is still scared witless of terrorists even though more Americans get killed by traffic accidents in a week than nominal terrorists have killed Americans in the last year.

  5. Uh… despicable.
    The church seriously needs to bring back capital punishment for its’ members. Nothing like being locked naked in a dungeon cell for a year to starve away all those sins and impurities. The fear of God/god(s) just is not enough these days.

    I guess the idea of Holy is just a romantic idea lost in text. This is why I don’t go to church. I enjoy the mysticism and unknowing I feel when I think about God and the Heavens, that there could be a greater good which I will face at death, that maybe miracles are simple nods of something more. I’ll stick to my fantasy thank you!

  6. I’ve suspected Fred Phelps of the Westboro Baptist Church of nailing himself in his closet for a long time. (Delightful thing is, the only two changes I see wrought by the Westies is that servicemen’s funerals are getting deserved attention and bikers are cool again.) Hate often has an element of self-hatred. It’s like poor little Adolph growing up fretting over whether the rumors were true and his biological paternal grandfather was his (unmarried) grandmother’s employer’s son, a Jew. (Whether or not the rumors were really true. The SS ‘investigated’ and declared them false.)
    There ARE good Christians (and people of other religions). You just don’t hear as much of them, because love and generosity aren’t as noisy or ‘newsworthy’ as hatred and vitriol.

    • I don’t believe that belief in a religion has anything to do with how “good” or “bad” a person is. I expect you’d find largely the same ratios across all spectrums of belief. Possibly there would be a difference in gullibility, but not goodness.

      • Yeah, just because the Aztec religion mandated human sacrifice doesn’t make it’s priests “evil”…

        (singing) “Open up their hearts and let the sun shine in…”

        • Elfguy, where does that put a good Christian stake-burning? Does that make all Christians evil, or just copycats because they stole it from the Pagans, Jews, and Carthaginians? And what about Americans, as we pay taxes that drop firebombs on unlucky children? You think the same guy might be lapping up the soul juice at the end of all those trains just maybe?

      • I can’t fully agree with you on that. I feel that those religions that promote a sense of self-righteousness severely limit the ability of adherents to be “good”.

    • Are you familiar with the Salvation Army? From what I’ve seen watching them in action they’re Christians who’ve signed on to try and battle poverty and other things that we hardly ever hear Christians try to do anymore.
      Here’s the thing though: The Christian part is bigger than the do good part. These people seem to think I am suspect in my morality for not believing that a big invisible sky fairy will smite me after I die for not joining them at church. I also knew I should never suggest that they open up their thinking about how my morality was somehow more undependable than theirs because that would be infernal temptation to reject the teachings of Christ.
      Religion in this case is a glue for group entities that creates a tribal identity and an us-versus-them picture with Christians on one side and unbelievers on the other. If you tell me that religious people aren’t disposed to looking the other way when members of the faith are doing crap that would look bad for the tribe… I’ve got several Catholic Church instances of shuffling around pedophile priests to keep people from complaining instead of doing something about the priests that would make it public that priests are people as capable of stupid shit as the next person.

      • This is hardly limited to religious groups. Heard anything out of Penn State lately? Kids rioting to defend a man who helped cover up pedophilia for decades. Not Notre Dame, Penn State. Anytime anybody puts reputation or public appearance, or even friendship, ahead of basic principle, call it ethics or morality, you create this potential.

        • I dunno about this… I keep hearing more and more information to the point it is a little difficult to know what is fact from exageration or fiction. The whole process failed I can say that. The Police should have been notified from the start, not left to supervisors of supervisors of the school to enact, which they are required to do but also failed. Whole thing stinks.

        • I did a quick Google search and saw something about a guy named Sandusky who was a football coach. I suppose that such a sports organization meets the dictionary definition of a secular organization but it’s a thoroughly hierarchical and individuality-crushing one favoured by all the worst parts of the army and oppressive consumerist society.
          Yeah, I accept your point that there are plenty of other definitions of tribe besides religious. I accept also that either most or all tribes are prone to this sort of abuse because it sets up group-internal power gradients which give the elite of the group dominance of the lesser members. This doesn’t in any way invalidate my suspicion about religious tribes though.

            • When the charge is murder does the accused get off if they can prove someone else is guilty too? How about for tax-evasion?
              Sorry, but moral relativism from someone whose religion declares I’m expected to burn in fire forever because I think their thing is a con game instead of truth… that does not impress me.

      • This is hardly limited to religious groups or institutions. Heard anything out of Penn State lately? “Students” are rioting in support of a man who, contrary to his public image, covered up a subordinate’s pedophilia for decades. Not Notre Dame, Penn State. Any time you put reputation, public appearance, or even friendship ahead of basic principles, call them ethics or morality, you run the risk of this sort of thing. No religion required.

    • I’m torn on this one. On one hand unless he did molest kids or worse then yes… he would be less of a net-loss for society than they are and perhaps even if he did molest kids and worse he still would be. But the Westboro Baptists fucking believe you know? Sure it’s all sorts of the worst bullshit conjured out of the assholes of the most freakish and regressive interpretations of Christianity that causes most saner Christians to squirm in their seats or worse when they’re brought up. Even so, screaming lunatic sincerity like theirs is so rare these days. In a way they are a necessary antidote to hipsters you know?

      • I am not convinced that the Westboro folks actually are true believers. Maybe they are, but what they do has such a businesslike aspect to it that it leaves me suspect.

        • Operations tend to orchestrated by their Grand Poobah. While the business-like aspects may lead you to question his sincerity, that doesn’t really reflect on the belief of the rank and file.

          • I’m not saying you or Kevin are wrong about that, but it takes a whole lot of guts to show up at the funerals of strangers and make a mess. That’s the sort of shocking act it takes to get people to pay attention to you who’ve written you off as someone to be ignored, and the natural response is to give in to indignation and try to smack these people upside the heads for being such asses. Considering it’s the entire army of Usania at a minimum they’re making themselves the enemy of that is some mixture of courage, belief and insanity they’ve got there I think.
            Of course it could be that what they believe isn’t what they say. This is America we’re talking about, the rich people suck on Pentagon money and provide less than a penny’s worth of value for each dollar they get… then they have the guts to complain about governments being too frivolous with taxpayer money.