The Thursday Blog: Word of God, Revised Edition

Psalm 23

A psalm of David.

 1 The LORD is my shepherd, I lack nothing. 
 2 He makes me lie down in green pastures, 
he leads me beside quiet waters, 
 3 he refreshes my soul. 
He guides me along the right paths 
   for his name’s sake. 
4 Even though I walk 
   through the valley of the shadow of death,
I will fear no evil, 
   for you are with me; 
your rod and your staff, 
   they comfort me.

 5 You prepare a table before me 
   in the presence of my enemies. 
You anoint my head with oil; 
   my cup overflows. 
6 Surely your goodness and love will follow me 
   all the days of my life, 
and I will dwell in the house of the LORD 
   forever.

Or alternately:

 1 The lord is my shepherd, I lack nothing… thank god I’m not REALLY poor. 
 2 He makes me lie down in green pastures, 
I really miss my bed. It doesn’t have ants. 
 3 He refreshes my soul. I don’t know what this means or what it would feel like, but I’m sure someone must do it.
He guides me along the right paths (like when I walked in front of that guy on his bike and broke my ankle. Thanks for THAT, god) 
   for his name’s sake, which is kinda weird. 
4 Even though I walk 
   through the valley of the shadow of death, (wait a minute… how the fuck did I get HERE?)
I will fear no evil, (Fuck that! This is the fucking valley of the shadow of fucking death! This is some scary-ass shit!)
   for you are with me; (invisibly… not doing anything… thanks again…)
your rod and your staff, (in case I need to be branded or tripped…)
   they comfort me. (Oh yeah. THIS IS REALLY COMFORTABLE.)

 5 You prepare a table before me, which is about time, because I am totally starved after all that shadow valley walking, 
   in the presence of my enemies, whom I SO did not invite to dinner. Why did you invite these guys? I HATE them.
You anoint my head with oil, which is really gross; 
   my cup overflows and now I have to clean that up too. You are SUCH a fucking slob.
6 Surely your goodness and love will follow me and beg money from me on Sunday morning TV 
   all the days of my life, or possibly longer if you believe in that sort of thing,
and I will dwell in the house of the LORD 
   forever, unless I get a place of my own and move out, where I won’t have to deal with not having a bed, or “deadly shadow valley” trails, getting branded, eating with my freakin’ enemies, having oil poured on my head, or gods begging for VISIBLE MONEY in return for INVISIBLE FAVORS.

The lord is the shepherd of us all. Twice a year he fleeces us and when he gets hungry he eats one of the fat ones.

42 Responses to The Thursday Blog: Word of God, Revised Edition

  1. In his defense, he just doesn’t really understand human customs. “Hmm, them crazy humans down there are fighting over oil, and I like this dude. I know! Here, have some oil!”

    Give him a few more centuries. I’m sure someone omnipotent and omniscient will be able to figure out how to interact with us when he’s not busy… uh… Godding.

  2. I like the line attributed to Patton: As I walk through the valley of death I fear no one, for I am the meanest mother fucker in the valley!

    • Now, if God is taken to exist and he’s omnipresent that’s simply not right. Dude turns people to salt for expressing curiosity.

        • Actually, “he” didn’t turn anyone to salt…whatever destroyed the city of Sodom did…when someone says “Don’t look at the Gorgon”, you don’t blame the guy who gave the warning if someone’s dumb enough to not follow directions…

            • The exact phrasing is usually a “Rain of Sulphur” from the sky.

              In the earlier portion, we see an example of the origin of Haggling…Abraham talks God down from 50 to 10 as how many righteous people have to be found in one of the cities for it to be spared…

              • Yeah, I particularly like that part, since it shows god doing a lot of things you don’t normally associate with him. He’s on the way to S&G, and stops by Abraham’s to chat. He is in the form of a man, and Abraham has some dinner made for the two of them. Abraham’s wife smarts off to god, not once but twice, and god takes it all in stride, granting her additional children. Once god reveals where he’s heading and what he’s doing, Abraham schools god in compassion, and makes him promise not to kill innocent people just to make his point. (Abraham had to first talk god into sparing the cities on behalf of fifty people before he “jewed him down” to ten.)

                It’s one of my favorite bits.

  3. “I love how it’s assumed that all Americans love & own guns. You realize that’s no less stereotypical than saying that all French people are rude, or all Brits have bad teeth, or all Canadians are bacon-eating lumberjacks who play hockey?”

    Uh, where did I imply ALL Americans are gun fetishists? I’m just saying out of the millions of gun nuts in the world, most of them are probably from America.

    Although maybe the third world countries out there give North America a run for their money. Hmm..

    • Depends upon the American and the other population in question. Most groups aren’t as overly rich in arms manufacturers and distributors as Americans are, so getting a gun is a little harder to do accidentally while you’re drunk (for instance). There are plenty of urban Americans who think that guns are something that only idiots and people with awful/stupid jobs have. There are also Swiss who continue to regularly practice with their reservist rifles, apparently with quite some skill, well into their senior years. (Apparently they get free ammo to do so. Sweet deal if it’s decent ammo I’d say.)
      You also forgot that we Canadians tend to have stronger beer than most other nationalities: We’re the ones that invented ice- crystallization of beer to lower the water content in it. *rests chainsaw, with properly-set guard, against his left shoulder*

    • “1) What is it with Americans and guns? Seriously.”

      How was the comment supposed to be interpreted?

      • While it does point its fingers at the USA, it doesn’t point them at *all* Americans. You just never seem to find those kinds of things done in, say, Latvia. Or Germany. Or Australia. Or Canada.

        And those places make way more sense to be gun enthusiasts in – Canada’s got bears and moose, Australia’s got everything on the entire continent of Australia, Germany’s got germans, and Latvia’s got vacationing vampire enthusiasts.

  4. I is confudes… Tuesday comments on Thursday blog? Or have you hit a new laziness and just editted your own post?

    Is that the actual psalm, doesn’t sound right to me. Also it has many homo innuendos which I find amusing.

    • Folks can comment wherever they like. I’m not anyone’s mother to be telling them where and where not to chat about a fucking awesome fully automatic shotgun.

      It is the actual psalm, but there are thousands of different versions of it out there, depending on your bible. I THINK this one is King James, but I wouldn’t swear to it.

      If you hit the ‘back’ button you will see that Tuesday’s post is right where it has always been. It would actually be a HUGE pain in the ass to write a new post over an old one and try to filter through the comments, change all the tags, titles, and search texts as opposed to simply hitting the ‘New Post’ button. The whole idea is kinda stupid.