The Thursday Blog: Not-Tittie Monkeys Edition

Last year around this time Roberto Cabrera, 38, was getting off the plane in Mexico City, having just flown in from his home in Lima, Peru. Observant security guards asked him to step aside after noticing a suspicious bulge under his shirt. Roberto’s obvious nervousness prompted the guards to investigate further, and they removed his shirt.

Beneath the shirt Roberto was wearing a curious girdle with eighteen small cloth sacks depending from it… most of them moving. After relieving Roberto of his contraband underwear, the security guards discovered that the Peruvian man had been wearing eighteen titi (not tittie) monkeys during his flight in to Mexico, where he would likely have sold them to illegal wildlife traders for approximately $1,000.00, each. (According to Robert, he paid $30 apiece for them in Peru.)

Once the guards had removed Robert’s titis, (not titties) they discovered that two of them had died on the vine, as it were, which only added to poor Robert’s trouble. Titis are endangered under international law, which made our entrepreneurial hero a “Trafficker of Endangered Species”. While the actual sentence was unreported, one must assume that any time spent in a Mexican prison would be enough to make you rethink your choices.

Gypsy Lawson, 28, and her mother, 57-year-old Fran Ogren on the other hand, both caught 60 days in jail, 3 years probation, and just north of $4,000.00 in fines each for smuggling baby Apoo, a rhesus (not tittie) monkey, out of Thailand and into Northport, Washington. Gypsy had met a man named Boris online who had agreed to provide the young primate. Monkey in hand, Gypsy and Fran spent some time in their hotel room experimenting with types and dosages of sleeping pills to keep an infant monkey asleep for an entire trans-pacific flight. Once that had been sorted, Gypsy put ‘Lil Apoo in a fanny pack and placed him over her stomach, acting as though she were pregnant.

The evil geniuses succeeded in their dastardly plan, and escaped into the suburban wilderness of Northport. A month later, Gypsy and Apoo were out shopping at the Fashion Bug in Spokane, when the store clerk, merely making conversation, asked about Apoo and where he had come from. Like all great villains, Gypsy couldn’t resist an opportunity to monologue about her caper, and laid the crime out at the clerk’s feet. As soon as Gypsy and Apoo left, the clerk called the fuzz, and the jig, as they say, was up. Gypsy’s live-in boyfriend copped a plea and turned her over like a flapjack, rather than face conspiracy charges himself.

While it is not reported whether or not Gypsy Lawson and Roberto Cabrera are romantically linked, this blogger would like to think those two crazy kids might just have a chance. If they get a dog.

16 Responses to The Thursday Blog: Not-Tittie Monkeys Edition

  1. While spilling the beans about your caper to the local shop gal is kinda stupid, I gotta call out that clerk for being a fink. Damn stoolie should keep her trap shut and just wish she had a monkey. She was just jealous she hadn’t though of it first.

          • That just shows the clerk wasn’t monkeying around.

            And of course, good sir; protecting endangered species is serious (monkey) business. It’s just not the (monkey) business of the sellers, whom are only interested in the money. Or rare-colored panthers.

            • But it leaves the real question unanswered. Who is paying vast sums of money for secret monkeys and what are they DOING with them that you can’t legally do to a monkey already?

              • If you have not I suggest going to see “The Hangover 2” while the movie itself was not as good as the first one, it does have an elite monkey king with super cool monkey powers of awesomeness. For that the movie is totally worth it.

      • Are you implying the Clerk was a C.L.I.T. ?
        As I understand it, the C.L.I.T. is an extension of Liberate Apes Before Imprisoning Apes.
        I miss new Jay and Silent Bob movies.

  2. Hey, the “Democractic” revolutionaries in Egypt apparently want to do the monkey smugglers one better – Nothing like good old fashioned family values eh? I can imagine it now…you go up to the cashier and ask ‘Got change for a couple of toddlers?’

    After all, slave traders truly know the value of human life…right down to the penny!

      • Though some of them (like antisemitic mobs overthrowing a duly elected government who like to rape reporters) Tend to actively encourage the generation of the maximum Asshole-per-capita ratio…Hate to break it to ya, but the uprising in Egypt had very little to do with “Democracy” – why else would they be giving “virginity tests” to female detainees?

        If they were monkeys, I would say that They’ve been very bad monkeys, and need to be spanked!

        Unfortunately, they are supposedly genetically more advanced human beings that I am ashamed to admit being the same species of…I wonder if I could get some Genetic Engineer to turn me into another species…something with no a less vile attitude than those kind of monsters…like maybe a weasel…or an Orc.

        • “…I wonder if I could get some Genetic Engineer to turn me into another species”
          Shouldn’t that be an Elf, Elfguy? 😉

          • Weeeelll…Depends on what KIND of elf…a Pini elf, sure…the elves from Discworld, not so much.

            OK…here’s a start theme song for Orald (Tune: Home on the range)

            Turn him into a clone, of his own flesh and bone, with his Y chromasome changed to X!