The Thursday Blog: Cats and Dogs, Living Together Edition

Last month the legislature of Florida succeeded in it’s third go at passing a law against bestiality. Now an outside observer may wonder why it took three tries to do this… I personally am kind of curious as to what the election math is on voting it down… but no matter. The deed is done. Come October 1st of this year, it will no longer be legal for Floridians to have sex with any kind of animal.

Wait… what?

That’s right, the law that the legislature passed makes it a crime to have sex with any animal. Congresspersons, not being biologists, seem to have forgotten that human beings are, in point of fact, animals. (Definitionally, any “group of multicellular, eukaryotic organisms of the kingdom Animalia”.) Yes, you read that correctly. Florida has actually outlawed sex.

Lawmakers claim that their intent was to differentiate between persons and non-persons, and to outlaw sex acts including both column A and B. To me this sounds more like an attempt to outlaw vibrators and fleshlights, but not being a politician myself, I have a harder time understanding Stupid. But I’ll let you judge for yourself.

An act relating to sexual activities involving animals; creating s. 828.126, F.S.; providing definitions; prohibiting knowing sexual conduct or sexual contact with an animal; prohibiting specified related activities; providing penalties; providing that the act does not apply to certain husbandry, conformation judging, and veterinary practices; providing an effective date.

The husbandry clause is amusing, since it effectively means that jacking an animal off isn’t considered sexual. (Guess there is a difference between what the “person” and the “nonperson” consider to be sexual.) I have always kind of felt like any creature incapable of reproducing on its own probably shouldn’t be, but I’m sure there are dozens of man-made bacteria strains of far greater medical significance and importance to humanity than bulldogs, thereby proving me wrong.

I suppose that it’s too much to ask for that lawmakers actually be required to know what the hell they’re talking about before they pass laws on the subject. This particular law is more likely to solve the energy crisis than it is to stop a single sex act, and that includes buggering sheep. After all, the law against any sexual position other than missionary has been on the books here for my entire life, and I’ve never known it to serve as anything other than a punchline. On this occasion, the Florida legislature serves as simple comedy, but the issue is endemic to all politicians, more or less everywhere.

They’re all having sex with animals.

33 Responses to The Thursday Blog: Cats and Dogs, Living Together Edition

  1. How many pages did it take them to write that beauty, and how many payoffs to their friends are hidden in those pages? I don’t remember the name of that republican black guy senator, but he wants laws to be 3 pages max and I think he’s completely right. Weird as it is, we’re all going to have to get used to people fucking sheep. It’s not nearly as weird as locking them in a box full of their own shit for their entire life, cutting off parts of them without anesthetic, then (sometimes) boiling them alive, which is what we do to chickens, or branding their faces, feeding them their own shit, and killing them with anal electrocution like we do with pigs and cattle. In many parts of the mid-east, it is legal to fuck a sheep as long as it’s not the same sex as you. If it is, they kill you cause you’re gay. I don’t know why rednecks don’t love the mid-east (it’s also got guns, religion and lady slaves!).

  2. Will this not result in Floridians indulging in an orgy of bestiality up until 01 October while it is (presumeably) still legal?

    And isn’t everyone in Florida a foaming religious fundamentalist anyway who would completely reject any assertion that humans have anything whatsoever to do with animals, that everything on Earth was magically made by a superhero?

    • Well I certainly intend to have as much sex as possible between now and October. Seems like you could do something interesting with snakes…

  3. Oral sex is illegal in many states, and one man is in jail still (to the best of my knowledge) for giving his wife cunnilingus. Seems he was overheard talking about it and got reported. When asked by the authourities he confessed and ended up with a very lengthy jail sentence. This was back in the ’80s and I know for 10 years there were groups trying to get him released with Georgia still refusing, but I think his sentence is up now. So it may be best you not let anyone know if you do use more than the missionary position.

    Animal husbandry is not only for animals that have trouble impregnating each other, but often used by a livestock farmer to introduce a new bloodline to his herds. Otherwise they may start playing Dueling Banjos.

    Since it seems jacking another animal off doesn’t equal sex, does this mean its still okay to get a handjob as long as you put the semen in the freezer afterwards for possible future use?

    • So for having a healthy sex life with a female to whom he was married, this man was sent to an American prison for gods-know how long, as a result of which he has probably been repeatedly buggarized and raped by males with no moral terpitude (I don’t know what that word means but it sounds cool).

      Is that justice? Does that lead to the consequences desired by the people who drafted the law?

      • Yes, Noodlebug, that was the desired consequence, but no, it isn’t really justice. All of these laws were made a looong time ago when the Morally Conservative party was in power. They are (almost) never enforced unless Johnny Law can’t make the drug charges stick, and someone catches a snap of you screwing your girlfriend dogggy-style. Or you live in Georgia.

        The fact that they are never enforced means that no one ever challenges the law, and no typical legislator is going to stand up in front of his constituents and say that ANY kind of sex is okay, so these laws just hang out in judicial limbo. That said, there are many states in the US that HAVE had congresspersons brave enough to say that blowjobs are cool… but any non-missionary sex still illegal in about half the country.

  4. So, if you have sex with your partner and give him/her/it animal names, is it double illegal?
    Triple if your partner is lawyer or lawmaker?

    • So, do furverts in fursuits count as humans or animals in regard to that law? *snerk*

      What about self-declares vampires, like that Jonathan Sharkey guy who ran for governor of Minnesota? Is that necrophilia?

      What about therianthropes and Otherkin and their various subcultures?

      Let’s throw the venerable lawmakers into that pit of New Age crazy! Mwahahaha!

      • Politicians are like this because they have developed superpowers for pretending to interact with people while never actually paying attention to anything except money and (most of the time) what looks good for their reputation. Their superpower defeats your plan.

          • Yeah, I like this explanation because it’s very good at making accurate explanations and predictions of how a politician behaves while being short and funny. I hate it because it tells us that any time politicians get control we need a bloody revolution or at least destructive and dangerous civil upheaval to significantly change anything.

  5. Way back in grade school a girl in class was going on about how humans are not animals. I bet her (at her insistance) $5 that we were indeed in the Kingdom Animalia. After I proved the point (the teacher, was wrong as well, which was the norm for that school district) she refused to pay up. The school, her parents and my parents all said she should not have to pay. I asked my Dad what would of happened if I was wrong, he said that he would of made me paid.

    I still think about that silly incident regularly.

    I think when someone reveals their basic animal nature (Like Rep Weiner) we should not say “hey, I am only human” but a better response is “hey, I am an animal without the discipline to deny my urges” but meh, that is probably too long and does not sound like a good excuse for being an idiot. 🙂

    • Word. Human beings are animals that are capable of reason. Most of the time that’s a good thing, because people are mostly cooperative and supportive of each other, because we are social animals. When our reason process is too stupid to realize this, it goes on incomplete information and ends up failing. We evolved our intellect for good reasons. We need it to navigate through a complex world and balance many competing priorities and possibilities. Wiener’s big head sure failed, leaving the little one in charge….

    • Well unlike most primates, humans usually are able to avoid descending to the “Flinging their poop at people” stage…

  6. So this is a widespread enough problem in Florida to necessatate a law against it? WHEN WILL THE GUVERNMINT GIT OUTTA OUR BEDROOMS????? Is this all the Republicans are going to do, tell us we have to do with our weenies? I mean, what’s a good florida vacation without a little gator humpin?

    • .oO(gator oral -> old joke:
      An elephant comes to a river to drink and a crocodile bites off his trunk.
      “No you fink fat’f funny?”)

      • From the text you included, they’re covering all approaches. Although the “animal husbandry” portion does seem to offer some exceptions for frontal.

  7. Apparently, a previous attempt at anti-bestiality legislation was included in an agriculture bill, along with gun control and an ordinance about fertilizer. The Florida Senate didn’t want to deal with the whole bill so it died.
    A separate bill that addressed only bestiality never made it to the floor because “Lawmakers said they didn’t want to be accused of wasting time addressing a rare crime when Floridians needed them to help create jobs. They also didn’t want to debate the icky subject in public meetings occasionally frequented by children.” (via The St. Petersburg Times)