The Tuesday Videos: Avengers in the Library Edition

Sometimes it’s just hard to see. I mean, it’s there, I read and I know as a country we’ve evolved, but when I see this sort of thing, it kind of makes me wonder how America hasn’t just ripped itself to shreds long, long ago. Because what I get from our improvement, is that people used to be even more stupid than this

For those of you voicing concerns over Marvel’s upcoming Captain America: the First Avenger project, have no fear. I have a scene cut straight from the movie, and it looks awesome.

Okay, that was kinda mean. But I can make it up to you. In 1994 Marvel made a Fantastic Four movie for the big screen that sucked so hard that even after the whole thing was finished, they quietly put the cover back on the canister and hid the film under their beds.

Which is how I found it.

The last video today is the climactic finale of that movie. If you’re worried about spoiling it, I have only this to say. It’s not in release, no one’s pain threshold is high enough to watch the whole thing anyway, and this movie is already spoiled. Have fun. (I do kinda like this Doom better than the new one though.)

45 Responses to The Tuesday Videos: Avengers in the Library Edition

  1. 1 – The world’s only living brain donor.
    2 – Spectacularly awful.
    3 – How did they find so many spectacularly bad actors?

  2. 1 – I just LOVE dissing the USA. You guys are all so stupid, racist, fat and ill-mannered. Not just the usual idiot that pop up everywhere, in your case it EVERYONE.
    Oh, wait, I was channeling the common self-important non-American troll. It’s amazing how much both our opening statements agree with each other, don’t you think so, Kevin? 😉

    2- It’s the great Reb Brown! All hail his awesomeness! 8)

    3 – I couldn’t even watch those 10 minutes…Not even a full minute actually. What’s Doom’s problem with his hands standing still and not shooting up in weird, jerky motions every 2 seconds?

    • Argh, a few S’s missing in that post, but I’m afraid to edit and get flagged by the filter.
      And I’m sorry, Kevin, I just hate this self-loathing that tries to show everyone that you’re not the same and on their “wave”. Idiots are everywhere. In fact they’re the majority, everywhere. It’s stupid to pick on the USA, whether you live in it or not, just because it’s the most prominent country right now.
      And I think we should all thank those Yanks that it’s them, with all their understandable shortcomings, resource-hogging, (understandable)self-interest and viciousness and not China(…for now) or even Russia. Ah, Putin, I was just kidding! 😮 Russia is perfect! All hail Russia! I love Rus…

  3. 1994? Seriously? It looked a lot more like 1974. Either the date was very wrong, or some guys got together and shot a fan-fic in thier parent’s garage. Either way, they must have had no budget whatsoever for stuff like special effects, real actors, cameras, voice dub-in, and so on. Reminds me of the early efforts to make Spiderman TV shows/movies back before they had halfway decent FX. It damn near killed the whole genre for filmmaking.

    • I bet you’re right. I actually remember seeing some of this stuff. I watched the Captain America movie on TV, and saw a single preview of the Fantastic Four in the theatre. And I was shorter.

      • At least the Batman TV series KNEW it was campy…Come on…”Shark Repellant Bat Spray?” You KNOW the writers were being silly on purpose…

        • Batman was awesome, of course they only had to deal with gizmos rather than flashy superpowers. They totally had the whole tongue-in-cheek humor going on. The whole “climbing up the wall” bit where they just had the camera turned on it’s side worked for Batman, but for Spiderman it just looked really dumb. Low-tech worked for the Hulk too for the most part. Stuff like X-men had to wait for CGI to catch up, or it would have been really awful. Can you imagine these filmmakers trying to pull that one off? 😛

    • Looked watchable…

      I have a buddy who even has replicas of two of the swords from the books…
      He is a ….TAD…more psyched about this one than i am. :mrgreen:

  4. 1. I liked it when she bounced up and down.
    2. It was allll good untill he spoke, then I wanted to copper brush my brain clean.
    3. Doom has some fancy fingers there.

  5. Video 1:
    “The hordes of Asian people”… and here I thought the latest target for racial prejudices was Hispanos? She’s obviously part of that demographic who complained about the “relentless onslaught of Asian” [sic! real quote!] in the Avatar: The Last Airbender/Avatar: Legend of Aang TV series and who were delighted that the movie rectified this by including white people (and a token black guy) into the main cast of the movie to give greater “racial diversity” to this fantasy world with its various cultures based on Chinese, Japanese, Inuit, Tibetan, Mongol, and Meso-American natives ethnicities. And it also turned all the members of the Fire Nation, (which is Japanese in the TV series) into a mix of Arabs and Indians (from India), completely different ethnically and culturally, but the Bad Guys obviously need to be brown turban-wearing guys these days, but that’s another topic.

    “use American manners!” … Aw, the video cuts off before she can enlighten me on what those are? I mean, being German, I obviously have no manners either, because we’re all rude and curt and swear all the time. Dammit!

    • Video 2:
      If he can magically deaden the sound of his motorbike by pushing a button, why doesn’t he do so all the time?
      Hey now, the idea with the oil slick was actually smart and creative, and non-lethal too!
      Not bad for a TV series from the 1970s.

      *checks IMDB*
      Egads, there are TWO Captain America movies coming out in 2011? “Captain America: The First Avenger” and “Captain America: Super Soldier” with… Mark Hamill? No wait, the latter is a video game.

      Well, the Avengers movie is a movie companies’ wet dream. Not only do you get the main movie, but can make a dozen origin story movies for the various superhero members, with potential for sequels (i.e. Iron Man) or TV series, and tie it all together in a mega-franchise, and comic book geeks will go and see every movie. And buy the comics. Milk the cow before the superhero genre loses popularity and makes way for the next fad. Now, if they could only combine teen vampires and superheros… 😉

      But hey, I don’t care for the Avengers much (I don’t read superhero comics), but as long as those upcoming superhero movies are more like the Iron Man movies and less like Spiderman III or X-Men 3: The Last Stand or Daredevil, I’m game.

      I just hope they don’t turn Loki in the Thor movie into an emo pansy. I have a soft spot for the shapeshifting trickster god Loki from the Edda. Who wasn’t actually evil when you view those stories mythologically. But when Christian scribes turned Baldur into a Jesus-figure, Loki’s part as the bad guy was pretty much sealed. And for the modern-day comics, the whole backstory of Thor and Loki was completely re-written anyway (and Thor made a blond instead of a red-head with a beard), so whatever. I don’t expect to see the movie-Loki to turn into a horse, or sleep around.

      Any comic book mythology that puts Asgardian gods and a technocrat gadgeteer like Tony Stark into the same universe gives me enough headaches already.

      • Heck, in half of the Thor legends, Loki is helping him out…Like when they visited the Giant Utgard-Loki (No relation to Loki) and he helped out in the eating contest…

    • Video 3:
      Can it be? Is that… footage from the unreleased “The Fantastic Four” movie from 1993?? Wow.

      QUOTE from AgonyBooth:
      (…) But did you know that this is actually the second time the Fantastic Four has been adapted to a feature-length film? No, this earlier film was never released to theaters. And no, it never went straight to video. And no, it didn’t go straight to basic cable, either. In fact, it was never released at all, and for years has only been available as a bootleg at comic book conventions.

      The story of why this movie was made and never released depends a lot on who’s telling it. What we do know is that a German production company called Neue Constantin optioned the rights to the Fantastic Four, intending to make a big budget adaptation. For whatever reason, the money didn’t come through. The option was just about to expire, so the producers decided to shoot a movie quickly and cheaply, on a paltry budget of just $1.4 million and on a shooting schedule lasting only one month. Given such a tight budget and schedule, there was really only one person they could turn to: Roger Corman. (…)

      Maybe it’s the fact that a Roger Corman movie, good or bad, is almost always what you expect it to be. Looking at his track record, it’s obvious why Neue Constantin went directly to him to make their Fantastic Four movie.

      After a month of shooting under the direction of Oley Sassone (a former music video director, and allegedly the son of celebrity hair stylist Vidal Sasoon), the actors went on promotional tours. Interviews with the filmmakers appeared in print. The trailer for the movie was put on copies of Corman’s Carnosaur. It’s said that the actors and much of the crew did the movie for next to no money, because the producers had promised them that it would be used as the pilot for a potential TV series.

      And from there, accounts differ. A lot. According to Stan Lee, Neue Constantin never intended to release the movie at all. They simply made it for one of two reasons: The first reason was elucidated by Stan himself in an interview with director Kevin Smith on the DVD Mutants, Monsters & Marvels. Stan literally spends all of thirty seconds discussing the movie on this disc, so for those of you curious enough to seek it out in the hopes of learning new tidbits about the production of the 1993 Fantastic Four movie, I’ve saved you the trouble, because here’s the entirety of the discussion.

      Kevin Smith: “Now a couple years ago, they made a Fantastic Four movie, very low budget, that never really saw the light of day.”
      Stan Lee: “It wasn’t supposed to. That movie was made just so that somebody wouldn’t lose the rights to make the real movie later.”
      Smith: “They had an option on the property.”
      Lee: “Yeah, he would have lost his option if he didn’t begin principal photography by a certain date. So for a budget of like $1.98, he did that movie. Which was really pathetic, because the people who did the movie didn’t know it was never intended to be shown. They acted and directed and photographed their hearts out. They did the best they could.”

      The second (and much more cynical) reason it was never released, according to rumors, is that the producers intentionally made a horrifyingly bad movie so that the suits at Marvel would get scared about it ruining the prospects for a future big budget version. And so, the rumor goes, Marvel bought the film from the producers for a handsome sum and locked it away deep in a vault somewhere, never to be seen again. (A recent issue of Los Angeles magazine even claimed that Marvel publisher Avi Arad burned the negative!)

      Roger Corman, when asked about the movie, had a slightly less salacious story to tell:

      Roger Corman: “Berndt Eisinger, the German producer, had the rights to The Fantastic Four, and he was going to make it on about a $40 million budget, and he couldn’t raise his money and his option was going to run out in three months. If he didn’t start the picture in three months he would lose his option. So he came to me and said, “I didn’t get my $40 million. How much can you cut this budget to, and let’s make it together at your studio.” So we figured out a budget and we cut it from $40 million to $1.4 million and made it.

      And we were going to distribute it, but he had a clause in his contract—which was fair—that he could buy me out at a rather substantial profit for me anytime up to ninety days after the picture was completed. During that time he raised his $40 million. He bought the picture out from me and he’s making it for Fox. I was reasonably happy because I made a profit, but I didn’t get a chance to distribute the film because I wanted to see how that type of comic book [movie] fared. At that time, we were making pictures at around $500,000 to $1 million, so for $1.4 million I had what I felt was a bigger film, and I wanted to try it and see how it performed. I never got the chance to try the experiment.”

      Either way, the movie was shelved, never to be seen again. Almost. It made the rounds at comic book conventions, but mostly in terrible Nth-generation VHS transfers that were barely watchable. And then one day someone with a decent copy transferred it to DVD and sold it. Buyers were able to make nearly perfect digital copies and sell it all over again, and now the movie is flourishing on eBay. (…)

      • 02:04 – Sheesh. When von Doom’s powersucking machine is turned on, Sue Storm screams her head off (Girls, right? Obviously nature never meant for women to give birth, that’s why it gave greater resistance to pain to men. Which is why men get pregnant. What?). Even Johnny Storm’s actor pretends to be in pain, while Reed Richards looks merely bored as if he’s standing in an elevator listening to elevator music and idly wondering what all the fuss is about. Alex Hyde-White, put in some acting effort, man!

        At least Joseph Culp as Dr. Doom shows emotion, no matter how scenery-chewing it is. I mean, hatred is among the strongest emotions, and Doom is a villain, therefore I’d be disappointed if the actor didn’t ham it up a bit. In fact, he’s out-acting them all, giving a pretty subdued act of someone seething with hatred, but who had a long time to plan his revenge.

        02:33 – What? Who designed those forcefields? Why put a forcefield around the Fantastic Four when Mr. Elastic can just shove his foot out under it?? That’s a design flaw worse than Deathstar’s fatal weakness! The forcefield engineer should be fired from the supervillain henchmen’s guild!
        What’s that you’re saying? Dr. Doom himself designed the….? Oh. Nevermind then.

        03:08 – Oh come on! Sue Storm can turn invisible, she doesn’t teleport! The henchmen collide with each other in the spot where she was standing a mere half a second after she fades out! They didn’t even try to grab her. Or shoot her.

        03:32 – I see these henchmen were well-trained by the henchmen guild: They stop within punching distance and wait their turn obediently, to give the hero sufficient time to move into position and gain initiative. That’s good old-school gentlemanly behaviour! Shooting him in the back would be so rude!

        06:07 – The lamest hero/villain fight ever. Shouldn’t punching someone in the fact who wears a metal mask hurt Reed Richards? Oh wait, I forgot he’s immune to pain.
        At least give Doom a superglue gun or something. This is pathetic.

        06:45 – Ah, the villain’s final Hannibal Lecture to the hero, followed by a Death By Karmic Irony to make sure the hero is not a murderer. That’s a 10/10 for flawless execution of a classic villain death (falling off a roof), including the heroes not finding the body, leaving room for a sequel! That’s true dedication to the art of villainy! *cheers for Dr. Doom*

        07:40 – I’m ACTING! The sad music clearly says this is very moving!

        08:15 – Laser enema!

        08:40 – You can stop a laser by… punching it? Whah? *brain implodes*

        The sad thing is, the 2005 movie with an estimated budget of 100 Million Dollars wasn’t really more entertaining or less cliché than this movie with it’s 1.4 million dollars. It merely had better special effects. Johnny Storm was a brain-dead idiot in both movies. Hurray.

          • Neue Constantin made the original Die Unendliche Geschichte (The NeverEnding Story) in 1984, for 27 Million Dollars. So they do know how to make good movies.

            They may not always have had the budget of Hollywood movie studios, but back then they put in a hand-on effort, for example every patch of fur and every scale on the animatronic life-sized Fuchur robot was glued on by hand. That robot still looks much more “life-like” than the shitty computer effects luck-dragon from the horrible sequel made in 1990 by Warner Bros., filmed in Argentinia. *shudder*

            Of course, the director of The NeverEnding Story was Wolfgang Petersen, not Roger Corman…

        • The next movie clip in the Youtube line is from “The Silver Surfer” movie from 1994, with a cheesy 1950s pulp scifi title card. Brilliant.

          Apparently, you can spot the low-budget productions by their tendency to put a “The” in front of the title. “The Fantastic Four” (1993) vs “Fantastic Four” (2005). “The Silver Surfer” (1994) vs “Silver Surfer” (2014).

          (Yes, MORE remakes! “Fantastic Four” is sheduled for 2013, and “Silver Surfer” for 2014.)

        • (In Chinese) Oooh! Is that You Grandma? Why did I call? Well I’m trying to annoy This stuck up bimbo here in the library…it’s fun as heck…Yeah, Tranh is gonna come in after me and call his entire family one at a time in about an hour!

    • There were ninja henchmen (henchwomen) just recently. I guess technically they could be Asian, although we never saw thier faces. So…. yeah, Kevin has Asians represented! Although, I haven’t seen any American Indians or Eskimos …. for shame! Don’t you know every cast of 6 or more people MUST look like the bridge of the Enterprise?!? Not representing everyone equally is… um… kinda sorta racist or something?

  6. Hey now… I think those actors in the Fantasic Four movie were pretty good. I especially liked the gorilla they used to portray Ben Grim. And with that wicked case of psoriasis, they didn’t have to waste any money on a stone skin outfit, plus they saved money by paying the gorilla in Eucerin!