The Thursday Blog: Spiders on the Nightstand Edition

PDE-5 is the enemy.

This is the chemical that is released when your body decides it’s time for your erection to disappear. When you first start to get a stiffy, neurons produce nitric oxide, which begins a somewhat complicated chain of events resulting in the muscle tissue in your wiener being hit with something called cGMP. This enzyme relaxes the muscle walls (pecker-muscles are shaped like little bitty tubes) which can then flood with blood, resulting in a boner. Later, the buzz-killing PDE-5 comes along and breaks down the totally awesome cGMP, causing your pecker muscles to constrict once more and push the blood back out of your willy. Boner-pills such as Viagra, Cialis and Levitra all work by suppressing PDE-5, so once you get it up, it stays up until the drug wears off.

Given that all other disease in the the world has been pretty much cured, the good folks at the Medical College of Georgia decided that where they could do the most good in the world was by making an even better boner pill. Fortunately for them, they had a confederate in the Brazilian Wandering Spider. This industrious arachnid delivers a bite that is not only painful, but also bestows upon its victim a gigantic woody. (Perhaps the idea is that the bitten man will suddenly be too busy hunting bald ((waxed)) vaginas to concentrate on smooshing a cute, widdle ‘pider.)

The Brazilian’s toxin contains a peptide called Tx2-6, which causes nitric oxide to be produced, and yadda, yadda, yadda… they went out for breakfast in the morning. The drug researchers want to combine the Tx2-6 and the PDE-5 suppressors to create a master race of super-penises that will take over the world and make them feelthy rich. To this end they have been experimenting on tiny mouse boners, injecting them with the cocktail and measuring nitric oxide levels with even tinier needles they stick into the mousey wee-wees. (If you listen close, you can hear me screaming in the distance.)

For my part, I am proud such noble science is being pursued for the betterment of mankind. Additionally, I welcome our new penis overlords, and would encourage you to do the same.

38 Responses to The Thursday Blog: Spiders on the Nightstand Edition

  1. Old men who can’t get it up anymore obviously are pushing this for themselves and others, the American Constitution protects this activity under the headings of Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of Happiness. So to rephrase it, the efforts of old men to stiffen their willies in ways that may be more effective and less likely to give them heart attacks than Viagra are giving you the willies.

    I will readily agree this is kind of embarrassing but come on, how long has cosmetic surgery been around? Nearly everything almost always goes from bad to worse.

    • While it may not sound “noble” like curing cancer and AIDS or other such high-profile diseases, there are probably many people who actually suffer a lot from not being able to get an erection. Not being able to mate properly is one problem, a strictly biological and functional problem. The state of mind they might get into because of this presents a separate problem in itself.
      It seems there’s a distinction being made over problems that kill you versus problems that “discomfort” you. With a severe enough inconvenience(chronic pain, paralysis, loss of limbs, disfigurement etc), life is sometimes not worth living, depending on each individual’s perspective.
      We tend to look at sex as something low and unnecessary, but imagine you couldn’t have sex. I’m not sure what the physical implications might be as it concerns all kinds of chemical secretions, but the psychological ones are huge.
      So while the person might be able to live, what kind of life would it be?

      That being said, if the current pills do their work properly then any attempt to try and top it just for the sake of “mine lasts longer than necessary and will probably end it gangrene but at least it’s longer than yours!” is stupid.
      But then we build silly skyscrapers just to show who’s got a bigger penis and oil reserves.

      • Well said.

        (For asexuals, the whole topic can be summed up as, “Who cares. Thank god, now I don’t have to pretend anymore.”, but for most people it is huge part of self image.)

        • Asexuality…If only we could all be so lucky.
          Imagine not having that silly thing ever on your mind.

      • Hum… Hadn’t touched or be touched by a woman in… must be 4 years now. Don’t expect to anymore.
        Wonder how I should feel 😆

  2. I have once seen a documentary which was showing how some researchers were sent to tour remote locations and interact with isolated populations in order to learn their ancient medicinal secrets, find out the truth behind them and, more importantly, if they can be replicated by a lab and sold on the market. 95% of the time, the “ancient medicinal” secret turned out to be too light, solely efficient in the gullible patient’s head or plain unbelievable and not worth pursuing.

    The Brazilian Wandering Spider being a (awfully big) jungle critter, it is possible that researchers learned of the side effects of its bite from one such trek in some of the most remote places of the Amazonian Forest.

    … and then I just imagine how raised their eyebrows were when they were told about the “boner spider”. ; )

    • I think the first reports were anecdotal. “Hey, didja hear what happened to this guy when he got bit by this bug?” sort of thing. Someone then decided that was where they wanted to put their effort. Personally, I just think it’s really funny.

    • Given that you can get high by being bitten by Indian cobras…. unless you die from the poison, of course… humans have always been willing to try the weirdest things.

      • Not only humans, but since we’re smarter than other species we get around much more. Don’t forget those reindeers that eat poison “magic” mushrooms, and I’m sure there are other examples(some chimp used to smoke cigarettes, I think he’s dead now).

  3. …and if your erection lasts for more than four hours straight, the lack of fresh blood flow means the penis tissues start to die from lack of oxygen, resulting in a trip to the hospital where they either have to stick needles into it to deflate it, or, if it’s already beyond help, amputate it to prevent gangrene.

    I can’t see that selling well on the recreational drugs market.
    Or about as well as selling you the actual live spider to put on your willy and bite you.
    By which I mean, not at all.

    • Endocrinologists and geneticists should really forget about designing another super-viagra and concentrate on the more important task of granting humans affordable superpowers! Come on, what am I paying taxes for?

      But noooo… they’re always looking at us zoologists to come up with a new and improved spider whose bite can give you superpowers![1] What a bunch of lazy losers.

      [1] It’s always wolves, or spiders, or something. There is no account of anyone ever having been bitten by a wombat and developing mystic powers.[2] Maybe because wombats rarely wear spandex or fly around at supersonic speed.

      [2] At best you become a were-wombat: every full moon, you look too cute and fuzzy to kill. Which may be an advantage to the more pathetic kind of villain, provided you can schedule your encounters with heroes to happen only during full moon. For all the other times, maybe wearing dorky glasses will help.

    • That’s known, but the idiots who use such drugs(and others, really) with no restraint are probably too dumb to live anyway. And I think the worst&dumbest offenders are those who are perfectly capable of en erection but “want to party” for several hours. And they’re too dumb to live.

      So, uh, where can I get some PDE-5 pills?

    • How does a teenage boy survive? Because I know that mine lastedlonger than 4 hours. Usually because, at that time, girls were not so……..accommodating. Those makeout,…uh, good night kisses,….lasted a long time.

  4. Despite the issues mentioned above, I’d bet my lunch money they will have NO problem finding volunteers for the human trials.


  5. So when the Penis Overlords take over, we’ll all be ruled by a bunch of big pricks?

    So….business as usual?

  6. Hey, WAIIIIITTTT a minute. I learned something. That’s not fair! I didn’t want to learn anything today.

  7. But lawyers don’t take any of the Viagra variations… It only makes them taller.

    So when are they going to perfect Argaiv? Some of us have kind of the opposite problems.