Last week we covered the rains of birds that had been cropping up in the news lately, and came to the conclusion that with just the most cursory of examinations, it became obvious that while not fully understood, sudden bird deaths were fairly commonplace, and nothing to be alarmed about. However, not everyone reads this blog, (I know, I couldn’t believe it either) and have apparently come to dissimilar conclusions.
Cindy Jacobs, prophet of god, and therefore spokesperson for his divineness, says that there is another explanation. As she explains, (in her best “I’m-speaking-to-a-bunch-of-idiots” schoolmarm tones) the cause of the recent deaths of birds and fish were not fireworks, or disease, or temperature change. It was the pole-smokers and carpet munchers.
Now I’ve been giving this some thought. Around 4,500 blackbirds fell out of the sky in Arkansas that day. If we take the 2009 census data putting the population of the U.S. at 307,006,550, and accept the 10% figure for the number of homosexuals in the country, (much argued, but repeatedly corroborated) then further assume that 10% of those people got lucky that night, that means it takes 682 gay dicks sucked to kill a blackbird. (I’m not counting the lesbians here. They probably only account for 1-2% of same-gender sex anyway.) Now blackbirds are by far among the most numerous type of bird in North America, and I kill a bird every time I eat chicken for dinner. So let’s parse god’s message here a bit.
According to Prophet Jacobs, the message from god is this: Hey! All you queers! Stop having all that queer sex or you’ll be sorry! For every 682 dicks you suck, I’m gonna kill a blackbird… who no one will ever miss… and won’t make much of an impact… and you won’t understand it anyway…
Frankly the message I’m walking away from this with is that Cindy Jacobs thinks god is a dumbass who can’t be trusted to tell people what he wants without her there to “interpret” for him. Maybe god’s message was really, “I just hate all these fucking blackbirds!”
But the question I want answered is this. Let’s just say that in the vocabulary of god, 4,500 blackbirds + 100,000 drum fish = thou shalt not repeal Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell. So what was the meaning when Mrs. Crouch of Olympian Springs, Kentucky, who was making soap in her back yard, was showered for several minutes by a rain of meat from the sky? Three and four inch chunks of “perfectly fresh” meat, identified by curious passersby as tasting like either mutton or venison, liberally covered the Crouchs’ property, and was witnessed not only by Mrs. Crouch, (who remained singularly unalarmed) but also a reporter for the New York Times, and one Mr. Harrison Gill, “whose veracity is unquestionable”. (It was 1876.)
The… incident… took place on the tenth of March, 1876. America was already beginning to buzz with modernizations and pretensions of exceptionalism. But there was one event that stands out about that particular week. Three days before the “rain of meat” Alexander Graham Bell received his first patent for the telephone. So does god hate phones, or patents? Or since he took the time to prep the meat for cooking, maybe he likes phones. Or patents. Or maybe it’s something else entirely that only god and Mrs. Crouch know about.
Regardless of his stance, I’m gonna go ahead and say that god needs a phone, to tell us all what the hell he’s trying to say with all this killing of unrelated animals. Suddenly I am afraid of accidental communications with god. Killing a roach means “please paint me pink” in god-speak. If you swat three mosquitoes and startle a lizard in the same afternoon, that means “my bottom produces thousands of jalapeños”.
Maybe god really does need Cindy.