The Thursday Blog: The Communications Skills Edition

Last week we covered the rains of birds that had been cropping up in the news lately, and came to the conclusion that with just the most cursory of examinations, it became obvious that while not fully understood, sudden bird deaths were fairly commonplace, and nothing to be alarmed about. However, not everyone reads this blog, (I know, I couldn’t believe it either) and have apparently come to dissimilar conclusions.

Cindy Jacobs, prophet of god, and therefore spokesperson for his divineness, says that there is another explanation. As she explains, (in her best “I’m-speaking-to-a-bunch-of-idiots” schoolmarm tones) the cause of the recent deaths of birds and fish were not fireworks, or disease, or temperature change. It was the pole-smokers and carpet munchers.

Now I’ve been giving this some thought. Around 4,500 blackbirds fell out of the sky in Arkansas that day. If we take the 2009 census data putting the population of the U.S. at 307,006,550, and accept the 10% figure for the number of homosexuals in the country, (much argued, but repeatedly corroborated) then further assume that 10% of those people got lucky that night, that means it takes 682 gay dicks sucked to kill a blackbird. (I’m not counting the lesbians here. They probably only account for 1-2% of same-gender sex anyway.) Now blackbirds are by far among the most numerous type of bird in North America, and I kill a bird every time I eat chicken for dinner. So let’s parse god’s message here a bit.

According to Prophet Jacobs, the message from god is this: Hey! All you queers! Stop having all that queer sex or you’ll be sorry! For every 682 dicks you suck, I’m gonna kill a blackbird… who no one will ever miss… and won’t make much of an impact… and you won’t understand it anyway…

Frankly the message I’m walking away from this with is that Cindy Jacobs thinks god is a dumbass who can’t be trusted to tell people what he wants without her there to “interpret” for him. Maybe god’s message was really, “I just hate all these fucking blackbirds!”

But the question I want answered is this. Let’s just say that in the vocabulary of god, 4,500 blackbirds + 100,000 drum fish = thou shalt not repeal Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell. So what was the meaning when Mrs. Crouch of Olympian Springs, Kentucky, who was making soap in her back yard, was showered for several minutes by a rain of meat from the sky? Three and four inch chunks of “perfectly fresh” meat, identified by curious passersby as tasting like either mutton or venison, liberally covered the Crouchs’ property, and was witnessed not only by Mrs. Crouch, (who remained singularly unalarmed) but also a reporter for the New York Times, and one Mr. Harrison Gill, “whose veracity is unquestionable”. (It was 1876.)

The… incident… took place on the tenth of March, 1876. America was already beginning to buzz with modernizations and pretensions of exceptionalism. But there was one event that stands out about that particular week. Three days before the “rain of meat” Alexander Graham Bell received his first patent for the telephone. So does god hate phones, or patents? Or since he took the time to prep the meat for cooking, maybe he likes phones. Or patents. Or maybe it’s something else entirely that only god and Mrs. Crouch know about.

Regardless of his stance, I’m gonna go ahead and say that god needs a phone, to tell us all what the hell he’s trying to say with all this killing of unrelated animals. Suddenly I am afraid of accidental communications with god. Killing a roach means “please paint me pink” in god-speak. If you swat three mosquitoes and startle a lizard in the same afternoon, that means “my bottom produces thousands of jalapeños”.

Maybe god really does need Cindy.

53 Responses to The Thursday Blog: The Communications Skills Edition

  1. Cats and dogs living together! Mass Hysteria!

    To quote Leslie Fish: (singing)

    I haven’t any argument how other people fuck.
    Just if you do it in the road, you’ll get hit buy a truck!
    Go bounce your buns with anything for which you have the hots,
    So long as all are willing, and they all have had their shots!

    Live and let live is the only thing to do,
    The causes we could fight for don’t need adding to!
    Freedom and survival are cause enough to hit,
    so stick to what’s worth fighting for, and forget the diddly shit!

    What other people choose to wear is no concern to me,
    Wear nothing, or Gorilla suits, or gowns made in paris!
    Just don’t sit naked on my chairs, it tends to leave a splotch,
    and don’t complain to ME if you get sunburnt in the crotch!

  2. Eh, kinda boring. Nothing new there, same old preaching, same old story, wrath of god, blah, blah, blah.
    Now what would be interesting to hear is the Church of $cientology’s take on the matter. I bet they’ve got a really entertaining theory about all this, and letting Tom Cruise do the presentation would make it one hell of a stand-up show. 😆

  3. Fools ! Don’t you see ?!
    682, the cursed unholy ratio…
    … minus 10 % (the evil gay percentage) of 1876 (the year of the evil patent, rounded down because Hell is underground)…
    … plus 2, the (iconoclastic) numerological equivalent of (sacrilegous) DADT (4+1+2+20=>29=>11=>2) …
    … gives…
    666 ! The satanic number itself !
    It is solid proof ! Flee ! Repent ! We are all doomed !

    • Aw, shucks! Now you gave it away! 🙁

      *Cough* Don’t listen to him, he’s clearly disturbed! Everything’s fine, continue sinningbehaving as usual, nothing to see here! And while we’re at it, can I interest you with a great new deal we’ve got on souls right now? It’s really one helluva deal, only for today!

      • 616 is also a mistranslation. I’d tell you the real one but we’re keeping it a surprise. 😈

        Hey, isn’t this whole Christianity thing a “mistranslation” of some Jewish guru who just wanted to spread some love around? Or maybe it’s a typo? One hell of a typo.

  4. I would gladly be painted pink for the rest of my life if it meant that we would finally be rid of the demon-spawn that is roaches.

  5. If I can work out a way to kill a large number of small animals in an undetectable way, does that mean I can fake messages from God? Can I become a sinister, unseen Voice of God manipulating my minions to do my bidding, while they are convinced they are simply following the instructions of their one true Deity?

    Or would I be frustrated in that whatever message I tried to convey through my carefully discriminated slaughter of the innocents would be received every single time not as “Kill the President, Storm the Pentagon, Wire me Cash” but as “I don’t like Gays, I don’t like Gays, I really don’t like Gays.”

    On a not totally unrelated thought, wouldn’t it be funny if God finally revealed that He really does exist and He was gay all along?

      • What Carlin said was, God was an “Invisible man in the sky” who can see EVERYTHING and do ANYTHING…but he NEEDS MONEY! (The message of organized religion)

  6. My question is why the hell did God drop his message down in Arkansas? I doubt there was even enough gay dicks to be sucked to cause a single blackbirds death. It would of been much clearer and forceful if the message was delivered at say New York City, San Fransico, and/or Los Angeles. Now THAT would send a message. God needs to brighten up on his demographic research of American sexual orientations.

    • Apparently you missed the part of the clip where it is pointed out that Arkansas was chosen because Bill Clinton is an erstwhile governor thereof.

      • Didn’t know Bill was gay…So all the rampant, disgusting, unfaithful, treacherous, unforgivable womanizing is just his “beard”?

      • Maybe Freddie Mercury once stopped in Arkansas and ate at a diner there? 😉
        One can always come up with excuses if one lives outside the “reality-based community”.

  7. The most hilarious part is the obvious contradiction to those ethnocentric Americans:

    OTHER COUNTRIES

    The Netherlands have had legalized gay marriage for 2001. “Registered partnership” since 1998. And let’s not forget: “Homosexual relations between consenting adults in private were first legalized in 1811 when France invaded and installed the Napoleonic Code.” God is really behind the times on punishing this whole gay sex thing. Oh, my favourite?

    “10,000 years BC — Around the end of Paleolithic, mankind started to make artifacts which suggest an appreciation of homosexual eroticism. Some examples, like graffiti, can be seen in some cave and hundreds of buildings and phallic statues, including a carved double dildo found at Gorge d’Enfere, France.[1]”

    from http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Timeline_of_LGBT_history . I wonder how the bible thumpers explain THAT one.

    • Well, since the earth is only 6000 years old, these are obviously forgeries created by Communist Fascist Atheists in order to discredit religion.

      • On what are you basing this calculation, the random list of people in the bible in the “long list of begats” that is clearly incomplete and not an accurate measure of time in any case? (Is a “Generation” measured by a person’s lifespan, or when they “begat” the next game in the list? Did they all life as long as Methuselah and only have kids near the end of their lives, or did they all have kids at age 15?)

        There’s some serious rounding errors even in THAT method, NSA.

        • That was sarcasm, through and through. 6000 years was picked because it’s the number the wingnuts usually cite, not because it’s the least bit accurate/

    • That’s one thing I don’t get about the “mission” of monks and nuns. If the bible’s first real commandment is to procreate(פרו ורבו ומלאו את הארץ, literally “procreate and fill the land”) then why are these people allowed and encouraged by the church itself to not follow it(yeah, I know the later sects allow for priests to marry etc)? I’m not talking about the real reasons for people to do that, like being gay, being gay or just being gay(and some being brainwashed religious types who fell for the church’s encouragement to be a monk/nun), I’m talking about the justification behind supporting a vast number of such individuals not procreating.
      That musical demonstrates it perfectly- the singers want to remain celibate and “pure” and compare finding a woman to getting tempted by Satan, and then start a song about how people are “begetting” all the time.
      I know there’s “original sin” and the view that sex is actually a yucky, sinful thing(which the clergy are all too happy to ignore when it suits them), but how did they miss God’s own words to Adam and Eve about “getting it on” and filling the land? Sorry, the video just pissed me off.

      • Simple. In the early Christian communities, priests and nuns were encouraged to marry. Celibacy was merely for those, like hermits, who wanted to stay “pure”. All cultures have this idea that abstaining from something, especially from something as “mystical” as the sexual act, makes you purer.

        But in later centuries when the Church became a powerful entity and big biz, it realized a fatal flaw: When you allow your clergy and monks to legally have a wife and children then upon their death, all their money falls not to the Church but to their family. Forced celibacy was a way for the church to make sure the clergy’s money fell to the Church.

        Not to mention the monasteries were a medieval way to get rid of surplus sons and daughters the family couldn’t support, pay dowries for etc.

      • The “original sin” thing in the metaphorical Eden story in Genesis was not, as far as I know, about Adam and Eva having sex, but about them disobeying their father-figure and discovering the knowledge of good and evil.

        The whole “sex is yucky” idea goes back to the “women are evil” these, based on stories about Adam’s first wife, Lillith, and cemented by the original sin ideology of theologian Augustinus of Hippo, who was very influencial in the Western church but not in Byzantium.
        http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Augustine_of_Hippo

        • Hmm, didn’t think of the inheritance angle, that’s an interesting point.

          I think sex is included in the “awakening of the consciousness” as before they were presumably too dumb to even realize they could fuck(talk about creatures made in the image of God).
          Lilith…I know there’s some shit about some demon in early Jewish mysticism etc(that is, something that’s at best on the fringes of Judaism, like Kabbala, whatever that shit is all about) but I’ve yet to hear about Adam being a divorcee when he met Eve. That must have been quite a relationship to have lasted only a few hours and ended before the 6th day was done(i.e before Eve was even made), and they apparently broke up on such bad terms Adam didn’t even put her name in Genesis like he did with Eve. 😆
          Where the hell do these people pull that shit from? Quoting Wikipedia: “He is the patron saint of brewers…” Oh, now I see. 😉

          • Even rabbits know they can fuck. I always saw the “Original Sin” as an allegory for the development of sentience. Before humans became self-aware, they were effectively innocent (which can be seen as a kind of paradise)…once we realised just how much of a bastard we can become, we couldn’t go BACK to that state of innocence (Thus “expelled from the garden”)

            I blame the jerk who invented language.

            • Yes, humans are bastards, but if this devolves into saying they’re unique among all animals in their cruelty I’ll…well, there’s not much I can do from here but I’ll be very annoyed. Humans only got to perfect their evil because they’re both smart(-er than most animals, on average), can manipulate object really well and have done so well off that they don’t have to worry about survival(as in getting eaten) all the time(i.e “free-time”).
              Animals are NOT all cute, innocent fluffy, cuddly things.

              • I think we *are* unique in our capacity for cruelty- but it’s because we know good and evil. I have 9 cats. They’re my cuddwy fuzzy wittle baby darlings, but they can also be incredibly cruel to any bug that happens to get in the house. They have no idea they’re being cruel, though. They totally lack the concept of schadenfreude- which, actually, might be why we’re so exceptional at being evil- not only do we realize we’re being evil, we often get a kick out of it.

                • Or we lament being “evil” when it’s just, well, natural. We have to consume life(plants are alive too, you murderous, haughty vegetarian scumbags!) to stay alive, kill other organisms so we don’t get sick/fall pray to them etc, and we’re probably the only thing on this planet that can lament such aspects of life.
                  Or punishing criminals/children, fighting and killing other people to survive etc. It’s only those pricks who don’t have to worry enough about day-to-day survival who come up with these bizarre ideas about never hurting anything(which you can’t comply with, no matter what you do).

                  But again, this “uniqueness” you point out is actually what I’ve said- it’s a “perfection”, or a higher capacity for cruelty as a result of our better evolved brains, not truly a “uniqueness” but rather a little step up, and probably seems worse because we’re supposed to “know better” and can actually (over)think that something is bad.
                  A lot of this cruelty also comes from crazy people, so you can’t really blame everyone for it. Sure, sometimes people play along and get in on such things but that’s probably part of the crowd mentality, people being given orders by their superiors etc. Not something you should forgive but nothing unfathomably evil that’s so far away from what other animals would do if they had the brains to do it.

                  If a cat had the brains just for setting traps or making weapons he’d use it to kill more mice, that’s all, and it’s natural. Hell, cats hunt and kill for no reason even when they’re well fed, fat and content. Killing is in a predator’s nature, and people are predators.

                  A lion defeating another, tearing its cubs to shreds, eating them and then having (consensual!)sex with the lioness isn’t considered evil, while a man killing another man, his children, eating them and then having sex with his woman(which, unlike lions, would usually be rape, unless the woman is insane) would be considered monstrous by everyone, because people are both smarter and more social creatures and thus try to get along better so they can thrive. It’s the same act, just a different culpability(?) and standards.

                  OK, so what I’m getting at is simply, yes, people can be “evil”, I just can’t stand the “oh we’re so evil, lets be nice and stuff and blame ourselves about everything bad happening” crowd, because they’re a bunch of ridiculous, pathetic pussies who should just do themselves in if they think they’re so bad.

                  • We cannot be certain it is consensual sex, orald. (Ignoring for a moment that the concept of consensual sex is something we humans came up with.)

                    A lioness will try to protect her cubs from infanticide by a new leader of the pride. If she doesn’t succeed and the male mates with her once her body goes into new oestrus, it’s not always so clearcut if she mates willingly or if he forces her and she goes along with it because what would be the point for her NOT to be impregnated and have new cubs? It’s not like we can ask a lioness her opinion.

            • It’s an allegory for the development of sentience (the knowledge of morality), the knowledge of the self (which means the ability to feel shame), and the knowledge of lying and deception (which is the ability to separate your own self from others, to pretend to be someone else or act in a way you do not really feel.) Remember, when Adam and Eve had eaten the forbidden fruit, they realized God would be angry if he knew, so they tried lying to him.

              Who has no knowledge of the self? Toddlers, and small children. And small children are the symbol of innocence.

              Up to a certain age/ developmental stage (I’d have to look up which exact age, I’m too tired right now), small children cannot recognize themselves in a mirror, cannot lie, and do not realize that other persons are individuums separate from themselves. The classic test: put a small child into a room with two other persons, the tester and another test person. One of them, the tester, holds up two cups and demonstrates to the test persons that he puts a small item, i.e. a ball, under cup #1. Then he asks the child which cup the ball is under and it will pick the cup #1 it has seen the ball disappear under. Fine so far. If you ask the child which cup the other test person would pick if he or she wanted the ball, the child would point to cup #1. Still with me? Now if you send the other test person out of the room, then show the cups again, only this time the tester takes the ball from under cup #1 and hides it under cup #2 while the child watches, then calls the other test person back into the room. Now he asks the child, which cup will the *other* test person point to? A small child will point to cup #2, since it cannot yet comprehend that the other person does not have the same info as the child does. An older child will correctly recognize that the person who had left the room has no possible way of knowing that the ball was swapped, so it will point to cup #1.

              Which is why abilities like play-acting, lying, and making plans (which implies the ability to plan into the future) are seen as ingredients of intelligence. Ingredients that humans share with a couple of other animals, including apes, dogs, some corvids…

            • Really, I think the first book of Genesis is a brilliant piece of literature, what a shame some people try to take it literally.

          • orald wrote: “Hmm, didn’t think of the inheritance angle, that’s an interesting point.”

            THere are quite interesting books about the history and development of the Church and its doctrines, if you are interested I could look up some titles. Those I have read are stashed at my parents’ home though, for space reasons.

        • And the whole “sex is yucky” thing is contradicted in the Bible itself (but when the Bible is in Latin, and you can’t read your own language, much less Latin, it’s a lot easier for The Church to control what people think.)

          Even the I-don’t-need-a-wife Paul says for a husband and wife not to deprive each other, rejoice in the wife of your youth, a church elder should be the husband of one wife, etc. etc. And then there’s the Song of Solomon…

  8. Huh… she looks like that chick in Strangers With Candy. Did you get that mutton incident from Charles Fort? It sounds like his kind of thing. He recorded instances of all kinds of things randomly falling out of the sky including butter, and sometimes people getting sucked up. As he put it: “I think we’re fished for.”
    Anyways I think it’s clear what’s going on here. We have a phone to God. It’s the Pope and he hasn’t said shit about the birds. He also happens to be an ex-Nazi. Many priests molest young boys. According to doctrine, angels are all hermaphrodites. Satan is into gay rape. The message is actually very consistent: God is a sadistic gay man, and only the sticking of nails and spears through his son, Yeshua, has postponed his eventual raping of us all. Obviously, that lady does not speak for God, she’s just an opportunistic lesbian, or she’d be pointing all this out as it’s plain to see:)

    • IMO the current pope’s “ex-Nazi” past isn’t really “Nazi”. Unless I misunderstood he was still a teen pressed into service to help protect the Reich when it was falling, like many others, and at best was fighting to protect his country for all he knew, and not rounding up and executing “undesirables”(though some of his fellow teen countrymen did do such things and they ARE to blame).
      His being the pope is a more pressing problem in my eyes than being an ex-teen-soldier during WWII.

      • It’s an interesting question. All of the real stereotypical Nazi stuff was carried out by the S.S. There were 100,000 of them and only 15,000 were ever captured. Technically, the entire German army was just doing what soldiers do and no one in it was even cleared to know about the death camps. Many army officers were executed anyway. So no, it doesn’t necessarily make the pope a bad man, however as a member of the Hitler Youth he is still technically a Nazi in the way altar boys are still Catholic. Now let’s get back to the missing 85,000 most evil people in history. The S.S. moved to Argentina, Brazil, Egypt, and the U.S. Many even moved back to Germany after a couple of years. The German youth were quite disturbed when they learned this in the 70’s.

  9. How can anyone start off a message talking about gay marriage and turn it into the right for gays to fight for their country?

    I would as her if she would rather take a bullet then have a gay man do it, and see her answer. Maybe her Faith in God is a little waivering then. If not, send this woman to the front lines.