Lena and I drove to Dragon*con this year. From here to Atlanta is about six hours with stops, and there’s not much to look at. We’ve flown it before, which was pretty cool, but honestly we value opportunities like this where we have a large block of time with nothing else to do than sit and visit with one another. After eighteen years together we still haven’t run out of things to say to one another, and we keep each other laughing and smiling.
But six hours can be a long time if someone’s mood starts to sour and there’s no way to get away from her them. Nerves can fray, tempers can rise, and suddenly everything you say is the wrong thing. Sometimes in such a situation you discover that what started out as a simple disagreement about something meaningless and silly can suddenly become deadly, marriage-threateningly serious.
(Harp music plays as the scene blurs away, to refocus on an angry yet devastatingly attractive couple speeding up the Interstate.)
Kevin: Girls’ bathrooms are SO dirtier than boys’ bathrooms!
Lena: Are you on the crack? I would know, I’ve worked in plenty of restaurants.
Kevin: Please spare me. I know all your restaurant stories by heart. “Everybody loved me, I just don’t know why! All the boys did all my work and all I had to do was giggle and wink and GIVE THEM ALL BLOWJOBS.”
Lena: It was a different time.
Kevin: Well I worked in twice as many restaurants as you did and cleaned twice as many bathrooms, and the girls’ bathroom was always nasty.
Lena: Really. How many bathrooms do you “think” (finger quotes in the air) you’ve cleaned?
Kevin: The same number you have, times two. That’s what “twice” (finger quotes of my own) means.
Lena: Don’t let go of the wheel!
Lena: I didn’t mean how many work bathrooms have you locked the door and jerked off in, I meant how many bathrooms have you actually gotten clean? I bet that number is a lot lower than you’re pretending.
Kevin: That’s rich coming from you. I found mosquitoes growing in the upstairs toilet bowl!
Lena: Ha! Criticism from the guy in charge of the downstairs toilet, which is still stained the same color orange as a bag of Cheetos!
Kevin: For the last time I didn’t know they were the same color going out as going in! I don’t see how this is my fault!
Lena: You’d never see that in a girls’ bathroom. Girls are just neater.
Kevin: Not that you would know. At least I did all my own work.
Lena: You sound bitter. Were you not able to find anyone to give you blowjobs at work?
Kevin: That’s below the belt! You know I had an… odor issue before the procedure!
Lena: So what would you say the problem is now?
Kevin: I’d say the problem is that you refuse to let go of the fantasy that girls’ bathrooms are in any way the least nasty. I’d say your problems are delusions.
Lena: The boys’ bathrooms at Mazzio’s and Western Sizzlin‘ were constantly covered in pee. It looked like the boys set up a pee sprinkler while they were in there. There was pee on the floor, pee on the walls, pee on the ceiling! Really? There needs to be pee on the ceiling? Are boys so territorial that they need to mark every bathroom they ever take a piss in? You know you don’t really own everything you pee on, right?
Kevin: Well the girls’ bathrooms in Pizza Hut and Pizza Inn were coated in a layer of dried-on toilet paper! What do you do in there that results in globs of wet toilet paper being flung all over everything? It looked like someone had stuffed a full roll of toilet paper down the commode and blown it up in the middle of the floor with an M-80! Paper on the walls, paper all over the mirrors, the stalls, toilet constantly backed up with wads of toilet paper… the only place in the whole bathroom that wasn’t full of used toilet paper was the empty trash can!
Lena: We do use a lot of paper.
Kevin: I pee on the walls.
Lena: I love you.
Kevin: I love you too.
(Crisis averted, the devastatingly attractive couple drives on, out of scene. Next week… Atlanta!)