The Thursday Blog: Yummy Treats Edition

(Story taken from the BBC News)

So Geoff (37) is hanging out at this party in Liverpool and decides it’s going nowhere, so he calls his friend Amanda (24) on the phone to pick him and few others up from the party to head over to his house for drinks. Geoff and Amanda used to go out, but that was a comfortable time ago and these days they’re best pals.

Everyone is having a good time back at Geoff’s, but soon tension begins between the ex-lovers. They begin to argue and things escalate. At some point, Amanda gets so enraged that she grabs Geoff’s junk right through his pants and yanks… hard. Geoff’s pants, underwear, and one testicle all come off, leaving Geoff both naked and bloodied from the waist down. And not in the good way.

Apparently feeling that this act did not quite express her anger, Amanda took ball in hand and popped it into her mouth, intending to swallow it. (At this point it occurred to me that Amanda was probably a sorority girl.) Here Amanda’s rage gave way to the yuck factor and she choked, having suddenly realized that she was trying to swallow the testicle she had just torn out of her best friend’s ball sac. Amanda spat the testicle into her hand, at which point one of the other guests steps forward, snatches it away from her, and hands it back to Geoff, saying…

“That’s yours.”

I’m not certain precisely what the guest intended poor, beleaguered Geoff to do with the bit of manhood, but even the docs couldn’t put it back.

Amanda wrote a letter to the court later, trying to make herself seem a little less the psycho man-eating monster. In addition to expected remorse that all attorneys will instruct you to include, she also said that she never intended to harm Geoff, (hey, at least she didn’t chew) and that she was in no way a violent person. (Allowing for variables on the definition of the word “violent”.)

So what’s the carry-away here? A ball in the hand isn’t worth the bush? All the King’s doctors couldn’t put Humpty back together again? No, the moral of this story is that matter what she says, you are never going to be “just friends” with your ex… unless you wear a cup.

47 Responses to The Thursday Blog: Yummy Treats Edition

  1. Oh

    My

    FUCKING

    God!!!!

    Shit like this is why I am glad my ex-wife is several states away. I could see her actually trying to do that to me. Geez, I have dated some whack-jobs in my life, but none (besides possibly the ex-wife) quite make it into that category.

  2. So this is what dating Supergirl or She-Hulk would be like, if she was drunk and having PMS.
    (I’m female, I’m allowed to make PMS jokes, right?)

    Seriously, HOW do you grab hard enough to rip off trousers and flesh in one go? 😯 That can’t have been a very tight pair of trousers, or you would have no way to grab enough stuff to get a hold.

    These people sound like idiots, blind-drunk idiots that is. I mean, they could at least have wrapped up the testicle in clean bandages and put in a cooler and rushed him to a hospital. I’m amazed that he didn’t bleed to death. At least he still has another testicle left.

    • I don’t think you can re-attach testicles yet, too much delicate plumbing involved, but I could be wrong.

      But don’t you worry, Mr. Geoff, even with one testicle you can ascend to high positions and have lots of fun in life, a certain dictator did.

      Oh, and silly, silly Amanda- you need to cook it first.

        • It’s just funny that Hitler was lacking in the nut department.

          But if you take a look at this world, do I really have to justify why I feel threatened? When you’re part of a tiny minority group that so many want to eliminate then we’ll talk. And no, “atheists” is not a minority group.

          • I never asked you to justify it. I merely made the observation that you tend to tie random comments back into your personal feelings of persecution, and I’m not even indicating that you need to stop.

            I do not need to be persecuted myself to notice it.

            • I admit I sometimes bring up Nazies and their ilk, but this time the Hitler comment was only because he also had one nut, yet all in all succeeded pretty well in life. Well, apart from the ending part. So the guy still has plenty of options open to him.

  3. It is sort of obvious why Amanda is an ex.

    She is a total and utter nutjob!

    (Pun intended even if it is in horribly bad taste)

    edit; I was also rather touched by the way she ended her letter)

    “This has caused much anguish to me and will do for the rest of my life.”

    Err, it has caused anguish to HER???!

  4. she is clearly insane, why isn’t she being tried for attempted murder? she should be in jail or a asylum

    • I don’t think she was insane. You don’t have to be crazy to attack another person. I think she was drunk and angry and letting go of some seriously pent up emotions and totally out of control.

      Okay, you might have to be a little nutty to try and eat a dude’s ball.

    • Well, at least she only took one, right?

      Seriously, if I were him I would be in another country when she gets out in 2 1/2 years…

  5. Wow. That’s what I call teabagging. 😯

    I love your moral to the story Kevin – that’s hilarious.

  6. Argh.

    Seems Geoffs reflexes are not up to the stuff he get’s himself into. He has one try left though. Well, and Amanda definitely needs to visit some classes in anger management.

  7. Reminds me of the spoof song (tune: The Lion Sleeps tonight)

    In the Jungle, the Urban Jungle, a Bobbit beats his wife,
    In the Kitchen, the quiet Kitchen, she goes and gets a knife…
    (Wienie-whack-a, Wienie-whack-a, Wienie-whack-a, Wienie-whack-away!)

  8. *read that twice just incase*
    Ouch..just..ouch..and damn louzy reflexes from the guy, drunk or not, I got better reflexes to guard my family jewels then i do for my eyes 😛
    but seriously, grab squeeze, and rip off his ball, 2 layers of clothing then even having time to put it in her mouth and almost throws up before the guy, no, ANYONE responded?

    I don’t know how much it must have hurt but wouldnt the shock/reflexes/alcohol/pent-up-rage, be enough to atleast to take a swing at the bitch -before- she put it in her mouth?

    That post really got me thinking “Don’t argeu, walk away, be the bigger man.. for aslong as you can” 😆

    • The lack of an immediate response from the injured party or bystanders can be chalked up to complete and utter shock and disbelief.

      Or, in game terms, she initiated combat with a Surprise Round, using an Encounter Power (Monkey Snatches the Peach). Since she had Combat Advantage, she was able to apply Sneak Attack Damage. Because it was a Surprise Round, nobody else was able to take action.

      On the following round of combat, she won Initiative (and her target was still Dazed) and attempted a Swallow Whole, but failed the roll. By then, the bystanders came up in the initiative order and one attacked her Reflex Defense, successfully taking the severed testicle away from her.

  9. Let me take a lesson from the Pimpin’s is Pimpin’s is Pimpin since Pimpin book of bitches and hoes.

    “Slap” – Not just for settin them womans in their places, also to keep em from touchin places they aint sposed be touchin!

  10. Scousers will do anything for 15 minutes of fame!

    Scousers only where trousers to court, usually because they are the defendant, otherwise it’s shell suits or tracksuits.

  11. “In no way a violent person.” Drunk or not, she ripped off a man’s testicle. So much for that arguement. “…caused me anguish for the rest of my life.” I repeat, she ripped off a man’s testicle. Whatever she’s feeling is NOTHING compared to what he’s feeling. Trying to eat said testicle? Attempted cannablism at the least. I hope that the judge in this case doesn’t fall for this shit. I can’t see any justification for this.

    Bobbit beat his wife if I’m not mistaken, so while doing what she did was rather extreme, he did ask for it. Hey, they fixed it so he could get a part in a porno too. “Frankenpecker” is what the called it I believe. Directed by Ron Jeremy of all people. I never had any interest in seeing it myself but saw some of the cast interviewed on one of those true crime shows.

  12. “In no way a violent person.” She ripped off a mans testicle. So much for that arguement. ” …caused me anguish for the rest of my life.” I repeat, she ripped off a mans testicle. What she’s feeling is NOTHING to what he’s feeling and she didn’t wind up missing an organ. Trying to eat said testicle? Attempted cannalism at the least. I hope the judge doesn’t fall for this shit because I don’t see any justification for this.

    Bobbit beat his wife, if I’m not mistaken, so he did ask for it. As far as I’m concerned, if you beat your spouse you’re asking for some kind of retaliation. Hey, they even fixed it up so he could get a part in a porno. “Frankenpecker” is what they called it and it was directed by Ron Jeremy of all people. I never had any interest in seeing it but saw some of the cast interviewed on one of those true crime shows.

    • I’m guessing Chris has been watching BBC or something.
      Scouser means someone living in Liverpool as i recall.
      I’m not totally certain but i think it may mean someone generally living in England too.

  13. “In no way a violent person.” She ripped off a mans testicle. So much for that arguement. “…caused me anguish for the rest of my life.” I repeat, she ripped off a mans testicle. Whatever she’s feeling is NOTHING to what he’s feeling and she’s not missing an organ. Trying to eat said testicle? Attempted cannablism at the least. I hope the judge doesn’t buy this shit because I can’t see any justification for this.

    Bobbit beat his wife, he asked for it. If you beat your spouse long enough they’ll retaliate eventually. I have a cousin who learned that lesson very briefly when his poor wife finally had enough and pulled a murder/suicide on his ass. Bobbit got fixed up to the point that he was in the porno “Frankenpecker.” Saw some of the cast interviewed on a true crime show.

  14. The two earlier posts would not show up on your site after trying to submit them. Now, a few days later, there they are. No idea what happened there but I apologise for the duplicate posts.