The Thursday Blog: Shitake Edition

Everything is alleged and based on the statements of the witnesses, except for the bit about the burka, which is totally made up..

This story starts in a familiar way for those who read last Thursday’s blog. Jarrod, an MMA fighter, his best friend and sparring partner Taylor, and another pal named Justin, were chillin’ at the local watering hole, and decided to carry the party back to the hacienda. Jarrod called his girlfriend Billy Jo to come pick him up, and all four eventually ended up back at Jarrod’s place.

The menfolk thought it’d be a fine idea to brew up some mushroom tea, which they did, and all four sampled some. Billy Jo was a little scared at first, but the guys teased her about it until she relented and drank it anyway. (Because we all know it is better to drink illegal and dangerous substances than face social ridicule.)

Jarrod and his buds went out into the back yard to enjoy their high while Billy Jo laid down on the sofa. Before long the guys came back inside, Jarrod complaining that his eyes were burning. Little did he know Satan had hidden the Visine.

Justin had to go, but Jarrod really didn’t want anyone leaving the party. See, while the boys had been out back they had realized that the end of the world was coming, and that a 200 foot tidal was on its way to annihilate them all. (Perfectly obvious, really.) Jarrod was terrified that Justin would get hit by the wave and killed while in his Jeep, though if you ask me I think this shows unrealistic faith in the craftsmanship of Jarrod’s own home. But who am I to say? In any event, Jarrod jumped up and down on the hood of Justin’s Jeep as he pulled out of the driveway, eventually leaping clear as Justin (a confident swimmer) sped away.

Returning to the house, Jarrod asked Taylor (you remember Taylor?) to go fetch his guitar for some end-of the world tunes. Taylor wittily rejoined with “You wanna fucking die?” (This question is both foreshadowing and ironic all at once!)

From where she lay on the sofa in the living room, Billy Jo could hear Jarrod and Taylor wrestling in the kitchen, and then swiftly change to the topic of surfing. (Presumably surfing 200 foot waves.) Peeking from the sofa, she saw Taylor standing over and spitting on Jarrod, who was curled up on the floor in front of him. When Taylor came into the living room, Billy Jo pulled her shirt up to cover her face, since bad guys cannot kill you if you cannot see them. Taylor sat on Billy Jo, across her thighs, and leaned in, softly telling her that he could in fact see her face through the shirt. Billy Jo was suddenly unsure how the bad guy rule worked exactly. Are you not supposed to see them, or are they not supposed to see you? Regardless, she was pretty sure she could see a knife in Taylor’s hand pointed at her head, and that was not at all reassuring.

Abruptly Taylor got off of Billy Jo and went back into the kitchen. After a few moments she began hearing what she assumed were the two men having sex. While she was glad that Jarrod was distracting Taylor from her, she still wasn’t entirely pleased with the turn of events. When she heard breaking glass, she hopped off of the sofa, ran to the bedroom and locked herself in.

Sometime later, Justin, who had not been carried away in his Jeep by a tidal wave, (you remember Justin?) returned to the house. In his rush to leave, he had forgotten his dog, and left the poor pooch behind in crazyland. He walked in, and in the darkened room saw one man with a knife in his hand, standing over another person on the floor. The man was talking about cutting a tattoo off of the other person’s back. Justin left again, once more forgetting his dog.

This time though Justin called the police. Officer Enrique Ortega answered the call, and Justin took him back to Jarrod’s. Enrique entered the house and found Jarrod, naked and painted in blood, standing over the mutilated corpse of Taylor. Jarrod surrendered peacefully to Enrique, and volunteered that yes, he had killed Taylor, but only because Taylor had had some Satan in him at the time. Otherwise Jarrod would totally not have killed him at all.

Jarrod had cut out Taylor’s tongue, sliced off most of his face, (thereby saving Billy Jo who would no longer be able to see it) and chopped out his heart. Then, because Jarrod felt that Taylor was probably still alive, he burned the heart to ashes on the stove.

Superior Court Judge William Follett later ruled that there was no evidence that Jarrod had suffered from a psychotic break.

Just to be on the safe side, Billy Jo has started wearing a burka.

34 Responses to The Thursday Blog: Shitake Edition

  1. we all know it is better to drink illegal and dangerous substances than face social ridicule.

    You bet. Social ridicule is a very effective way to force people to do things they don’t wanna do, and may be hard to resist at times.
    There’s also the fact that you face social ridicule now, while medical consequences are often seen as a very distant and unreal possibility.

    • You’d be surprised how many people ‘only took drugs ’cause people told them they had to’. I was having this conversation with a friend last night about a third party who’d ‘only taken coke ’cause people told me I should’. I’m pretty sure there’s actually only 1 person in the world who has ever decided to take drugs without being told to by someone else…

      On a more serious note, at which point did Officer Ortega think that being driven anywhere by someone who’d just been taking strong hallucigens was an ‘OK’ idea? Or am I misreading what happened there?

      • I’m pretty sure “took him back” means the officer followed him there, presumably in his own police car, as they usually(Read: All the time) prefer to do.

        I’m also pretty sure Vincent understands what social pressure is like and has outright said it makes people do stupid things…Unless I misunderstood your opening words(“You’d be surprised”) to mean you don’t think he does when in fact it’s some sort of strengthening of his views.

  2. “See, this is why I don’t drink tea. That shit’ll fuck you up,” Connell said as he took another shot of Gem Clear PGA.

  3. I’m going to work from a postulate here, the postulate is that people who can handle serious hallucinogenics probably learned how by having imaginations big enough to see the freaky shit without using chemical aids (they’re artistic, crazy or both). If that is true then the people who can handle the mushrooms don’t need them, and people who do need them to have their reality melt into crazy shit like that probably can’t handle them. From these points it would follow that only dumbasses who want to wake up and discover they’ve cut their own hand off should take such strong hallucinogenics. I heartily endorse this since it seems to me like a poetic thing with deliberate stupidity acting as its own reward.
    Thoughts, comments, counterpoints?

    • Hear, hear!

      I’d have put it as the somewhat shorter: Anyone who wants to fuck themselves up can go right ahead.

      I’m all for the legalization of anything you can ingest to get high, if only for the above sentiment.
      Well, that and reading about such idiots makes me all fuzzy and warm inside. 😆

    • “From these points it would follow that only dumbasses who want to wake up and discover they’ve cut their own hand off should take such strong hallucinogenics.”

      Unfortunately, this is not what happened in today’s story. The dumbass who couldn’t handle the hallucinogens ended up killing and mutilating someone else.

      • Yea, but he was such a dumbass that he didn’t think to cover up his killing, mostly because he was stoned, which again, he became due to being a dumbass.
        It’s not the killing part that we(We, right? It’s not just me?) scold him for, that’s quite understandable, all things considered*. It’s the way he did it for everyone to see, and staying there to get caught that’s the problem.
        Now how’s he supposed to save more people from drowning in tidal waves locked behind those thick prison walls?

        Besides, what’s this “unfortunately” part in your comment? The dead guy also took that vile stuff, so basically he killed himself, only being assisted by his likewise stoned friend. It’s like assisted suicide. Of the chopped up, burning heart kind. The best kind.

        *The victim would’ve died anyway when the great tidal wave struck. *giggle*

        • My point was a counterpoint to ac. He endorses dumbasses taking strong hallucinogenics because they will only hurt themselves, and thus it is a self-correcting problem. My counterpoint is that this assumption isn’t true, since Jarrod had killed and mutilated his friend during his bad trip. He could just as easily have wandered down the street of his neighborhood and victimized any random passerby.

            • Our lovable comic creations kill all the time yet we still love them all the same, them and other fictional creations.

              @Ron, while I agree such idiots do harm others(and why look at such a “severe” case when drunkards smash into innocent people’s cars all the time?), in this case they still harmed the same kind of idiot who took the substance. Himself, his likewise stoned friends, it makes no matter.
              Less idiots in the world is just better, and the gruesome manner of his passing could only work to sober up other idiots, that is, if they weren’t idiots who didn’t think straight in the first place and who would undoubtedly get high anyway.

      • Counterpoint: Generally valid.
        I could argue that the victim was another partaker who had lost their self-preservation instincts/ability while high so therefore the above mentioned murder was perfectly acceptable and reasonably explainable as assisted suicide, but that ignores the possibility these people under illegal chemical influence could’ve broken into the neighbours’ houses and started murdering them instead.
        Following from the fact society doesn’t like unscheduled, unsanctioned murder we don’t want junkies and stoners knifing non-partaking bystanders while they are practically insane. That means we’d have to do something to prevent that. Problem is that effective measures to prevent them from harming other people tend to also prevent them from doing harm to themselves, which is the main benefit to dumbasses taking strong hallucinogenics. An example would be if they were only able to do so while locked into solitary jail confinement or sensory deprivation tanks with straps to keep them from drowning themselves.
        That suddenly changes it into a more-effort-than-it’s-worth replacement for television though, Kevin damnit.

        • We could provide drugs and put them into a padded* room though.

          *My version of padded includes sharp metal spikes on the one side and a 40 foot chasm without railings on the other, with the floor slanting towards the later. Hilarity ensues.

        • Yea… I’d put the larger fault on the a-hole being an MMA fighter than any drugs he was on. I’ve done plenty of hallucinogens. I’ve been around plenty of people on hallucinogens. The worst instance of a bad trip was a guy punching a hole in a wall, and this dude was liable to do that without any chemical assistance. These guys were over macho bullshit alpha male types. THAT shit kills people, prob more than the entire world history of narcotics. I make no excuse for some stupid shit I’ve done while fucked up. I chose to do the drug, drink the whiskey, or whatever. But the extent of my “stupid shit” is walking out of the bathroom with my wang out or making comically lewd passes at a male friend. I have, nor have any of my many drug using friends, ever even attempted to carve out someones fucking heart.
          The problem wasn’t the shrooms. The problem was the asshole taking them.

      • Oh, well, that line of reasoning was mostly constructed to show that nobody who has good reason to use mushrooms should have them if they value their self-preservation. I’d tend to agree that no responsible person would take them at all unless they’d made preparations for being strapped up in a sensory deprivation tank or on one of those boards with leather straps that mental health institutions use for the dangerously mentally infirm.

  4. Hmm, once again beer can be heralded as the most sane way in which to make an utter ass of yourself in public.
    Besides beer is according to a young lady* i know “so tasty that it is fun to pee!”
    Hmm, i sometimes wonder if she just drinks beer or if she has put something “mind-liberating” in it first.
    The same lady also think it is hillarious to be spanked in public, nuff said.

    *yes, she is more than a little bonkers.

  5. As far as the judge’s legal reasoning goes I think it’s probably just fine:
    Taking the mushrooms was illegal and intentional so therefore it doesn’t matter what degree of premeditation or intent is involved in crimes that consequently proceeded from that earlier crime. They are fully illegal so temporary-insanity-by-influence provisions for alcohol abuse just don’t apply.
    Or to highlight the essential distinction: Trip out on LSD, run over people with a car and you’re really gonna get it, but if you were only drunk instead of tripping when you murdered pedestrians that’s comparatively much less bad in the eyes of the law.

    • Because the law still highly approves of alcohol.

      What we need is smart cars that check your blood every so often to look for mind-numbing substances.