Everything is alleged and based on the statements of the witnesses, except for the bit about the burka, which is totally made up..
This story starts in a familiar way for those who read last Thursday’s blog. Jarrod, an MMA fighter, his best friend and sparring partner Taylor, and another pal named Justin, were chillin’ at the local watering hole, and decided to carry the party back to the hacienda. Jarrod called his girlfriend Billy Jo to come pick him up, and all four eventually ended up back at Jarrod’s place.
The menfolk thought it’d be a fine idea to brew up some mushroom tea, which they did, and all four sampled some. Billy Jo was a little scared at first, but the guys teased her about it until she relented and drank it anyway. (Because we all know it is better to drink illegal and dangerous substances than face social ridicule.)
Jarrod and his buds went out into the back yard to enjoy their high while Billy Jo laid down on the sofa. Before long the guys came back inside, Jarrod complaining that his eyes were burning. Little did he know Satan had hidden the Visine.
Justin had to go, but Jarrod really didn’t want anyone leaving the party. See, while the boys had been out back they had realized that the end of the world was coming, and that a 200 foot tidal was on its way to annihilate them all. (Perfectly obvious, really.) Jarrod was terrified that Justin would get hit by the wave and killed while in his Jeep, though if you ask me I think this shows unrealistic faith in the craftsmanship of Jarrod’s own home. But who am I to say? In any event, Jarrod jumped up and down on the hood of Justin’s Jeep as he pulled out of the driveway, eventually leaping clear as Justin (a confident swimmer) sped away.
Returning to the house, Jarrod asked Taylor (you remember Taylor?) to go fetch his guitar for some end-of the world tunes. Taylor wittily rejoined with “You wanna fucking die?” (This question is both foreshadowing and ironic all at once!)
From where she lay on the sofa in the living room, Billy Jo could hear Jarrod and Taylor wrestling in the kitchen, and then swiftly change to the topic of surfing. (Presumably surfing 200 foot waves.) Peeking from the sofa, she saw Taylor standing over and spitting on Jarrod, who was curled up on the floor in front of him. When Taylor came into the living room, Billy Jo pulled her shirt up to cover her face, since bad guys cannot kill you if you cannot see them. Taylor sat on Billy Jo, across her thighs, and leaned in, softly telling her that he could in fact see her face through the shirt. Billy Jo was suddenly unsure how the bad guy rule worked exactly. Are you not supposed to see them, or are they not supposed to see you? Regardless, she was pretty sure she could see a knife in Taylor’s hand pointed at her head, and that was not at all reassuring.
Abruptly Taylor got off of Billy Jo and went back into the kitchen. After a few moments she began hearing what she assumed were the two men having sex. While she was glad that Jarrod was distracting Taylor from her, she still wasn’t entirely pleased with the turn of events. When she heard breaking glass, she hopped off of the sofa, ran to the bedroom and locked herself in.
Sometime later, Justin, who had not been carried away in his Jeep by a tidal wave, (you remember Justin?) returned to the house. In his rush to leave, he had forgotten his dog, and left the poor pooch behind in crazyland. He walked in, and in the darkened room saw one man with a knife in his hand, standing over another person on the floor. The man was talking about cutting a tattoo off of the other person’s back. Justin left again, once more forgetting his dog.
This time though Justin called the police. Officer Enrique Ortega answered the call, and Justin took him back to Jarrod’s. Enrique entered the house and found Jarrod, naked and painted in blood, standing over the mutilated corpse of Taylor. Jarrod surrendered peacefully to Enrique, and volunteered that yes, he had killed Taylor, but only because Taylor had had some Satan in him at the time. Otherwise Jarrod would totally not have killed him at all.
Jarrod had cut out Taylor’s tongue, sliced off most of his face, (thereby saving Billy Jo who would no longer be able to see it) and chopped out his heart. Then, because Jarrod felt that Taylor was probably still alive, he burned the heart to ashes on the stove.
Superior Court Judge William Follett later ruled that there was no evidence that Jarrod had suffered from a psychotic break.
Just to be on the safe side, Billy Jo has started wearing a burka.