The Tuesday Videos!

Well, it’s almost sparkly vampire season again, and that’s great news… for those of us who like to spend our time making fun of them. I’m not sure when exactly it was that soulless creatures of the night became emo glitter-in-the-sun whiney twiddles but to be sure it was an evil day for all the grandpa monsters sitting in their evil rocking chairs on the evil front porch bitching about today’s prissy-ass bloodsucking youth.

Of course for me, it’s all about the parody trailers.

Wait, what was that? You say you missed the last one? Never fear, New Moon in a Minute is here!

Okay, okay. I’ll ease up. It’s time for a hard-core geek eye wash here. There’s only one thing capable of restoring the world to normal. Star Wars, circa 1950. The only downside? This may be the best thing your eyeballs ever see, so it’s all downhill from here.

16 Responses to The Tuesday Videos!

  1. I loled when that guy turned into a colley. The dog was so adorable and cute.

    I haven’t watched any of these new vampire flicks, and I’ll be damned if I let one of them contaminate my mind with such lame emo images.

    • Tsk…imagine the embarassment to being a Were-collie.

      Vampire (Trying to hold back laughter) Well, well, if it isn’t lassie…better run off, I think little Timmy’s fallen down the well again….

    • Well, it’s just a load of bullshit full of ages-old cliches about men and women, like (and I’m putting things in a positive light here) “men must be strong, assertive and dominant, while women must be quiet and obedient, always relying on a man”… which makes it all the more fun when you see grown women that love it, while besides complaining about machism and lack of equality

      • Which is why I like it. Vampires puttin’ them wimmins in their place! In the kitchen, makin’ blood smoothies, an’ raisin’ a passel o’ little were-pups! Yee-haw!

  2. Rental? You mean download, right? 😛
    Hell if I’ll contribute in any way to their financial well-being.

    But it just doesn’t appeal to me, so it’s not even worth that much.

  3. There may be hope for the vampires yet.

    http://io9.com/5556984/john-carpenter-is-coming-back-to-save-the-vampire-genre

    This actually sounds pretty cool. I am puzzled by the io9 writer bagging on James Woods in Vampires, though, as I thought Woods was the best part of the movie. I would DEARLY love JC to do a mashup of Jack Crow encountering the Twilight vampires.

    I imagine it would be something like this;

    Jack Crow: No… Well first of all, they’re not romatic. Its not like they’re a bunch of fuckin’ fags hoppin’ around in rented formal wear and seducing everybody in sight with cheesy Euro-trash accents, all right? Forget whatever you’ve seen in the movies: they don’t turn into bats, crosses don’t work. Garlic? You wanna try garlic? You could stand there with garlic around your neck and one of these buggers will bend you fucking over and take a walk up your strada-chocolata WHILE he’s suckin’ the blood outta your neck, all right?

    Jack Crow: Hey, Valek! Why don’t you prove you can kick my ass! Come on, untie me, you prick! Fucking pole-smoking fashion victim!

  4. Media has corrupted the portrayal of vampires.

    Dracula is simply the best vampire ever thought up. Garlic did nothing, sunlight did not kill him, only made him a normal man, and it was all about secrecy and trickery – mind games. It was more than just sucking blood.

    I do contradict myself though… because I LOVE the Underworld trilogy. If there were any aspect of a modern vampire Underworld is it.

    • Underworld has definitely had it’s moments. Occasionally it was kinda bad, but even then it was at least still a vampire flick, which is a point.

      Now Twilight pretty much only has the genre going for it, and that’s tenuous at best, since their vampires are… silly. But, what it does have was the same thing Passion of the Christ had, which was an overweening pretentiousness that makes me guffaw out loud in the theatre. (Man my mom was embarrassed…)

      … Rake, mop, whatever you are, Kate looked hot in the black leather. BTW, that second article is two and a half years old, from before Underworld 3.