The Thursday Blog: Football Edition

Sharia Law is the holy path set down by god through the Qur’an and through the actions of Muhammad. It is the word of god.

The god in question is the same god worshipped by the Jews and the Christians. The old testament is pretty much the same in all three, it is only what comes next where things begin to diverge. This is where things get interesting to me since all three claim to know the irrefutable mind of god, and also to know that the others are all wrong. All three also claim that their god is the god of peace and love and that the others’ gods are strange, wicked, and probably not at all nice.

According to the Jewish faith you may be slain for pressing a button (not a shirt button, but a doorbell or garage door opener would qualify) on a Saturday. Devout Christians believe that you should stone to death anyone who eats shrimp, and several factions of Islam are now killing people who watch the World Cup.

I'm in yer Day-Care! Pickin' out my next wife!In Somalia al-Shabab, Hizbul-Islam, and Juba Valley rebel militias have been arresting and shooting soccer fans for watching the games on TV. Sheikh Mohamed Abdi Aros, speaking for Hizbul-Islam, said, “We are warning all the youth of Somalia not to dare watch these World Cup matches. It is a waste of money and time and they will not benefit anything or get any experience by watching mad men jumping up and down”. The inference I’m taking away is that it is better to be shot in the head than to fuck off for a while.

For now the anti-football message seems limited to Somalia, but they hardly have a monopoly on stupid young men with guns. If we are to figure out the answer to this problem, we must take a closer look at a typical Islamist thug, and you can’t get much more stereotypical than the Taliban.

The average talib is a young man, recruited in a mosque and trained in a terrorist (or freedom fighter, depending on which side of the line you live on) camp. He owns a vintage Russian rifle, is super-excited to use it, and mostly has no one to shoot at other than the neighbors he grew up with. He’s horny, owing to his religion, typically has a voracious appetite for western porn, and occasionally has sex with sheep, donkeys, and cattle. (Spy photography in Afghanistan can be really disturbing.) If he is shot in the line of duty it is 20% likely to have been by someone on his own side, and if he becomes a suicide bomber he is 50% likely to kill no one other than himself. In general, he hates everything a Baptist would hate, and loves secretly everything a Baptist would love secretly. They’re really kinda soul mates.

And that’s really the problem, isn’t it? On the one hand it’s amusing to point to these “opposing” groups and highlight all their extreme similarities. On the other, the thought that they might one day wake up and join forces against normal people everywhere is a bit terrifying. My hope in the event this happens is that the Baptists will go to the Afghan “little terrorist” training camps to learn the craft and blow themselves up too.

I wasn’t watching the soccer game anyway.

47 Responses to The Thursday Blog: Football Edition

  1. Yeah, I read a little about the “incompetent terrorists” rapport and found that funny as hell. My favorite part was where they explained that in afghanistan, as in many other cultures, warriors preparing to go to battle all have viril, friendly hugs like you can see in any american movie featuring “true men” between them. Which is a really bad idea when you have an explosive belt :mrgreen:

  2. Hm. I thought International Blasphemy Day was in September last year? And Everybody Draw Mohammed Day was on May 20th. But I guess stories about morons are timeless. :mrgreen:

    You should goggle for the “Jesus and Mo” webcomic, Kevin. You’ll like it.

  3. Jesus’ mother was a virgin about to get married who suddenly was impregnated via alien abduction. Happens all the time to Fundies now but they get abortions. More palatable than Dagon giving birth to Triton thru a human mother… free fish anyone? Mohammed went into a cave where a creature ordered him to assemble an army of mercenaries and criminals. He went to his parents crying it was a demon and they made him go back – it said he should be in charge. For it’s next trick it ripped out all his organs and “inspected them for sin which it removed then reinserted them”, after that it informed him he would live forever (he died in war… shit Wikipedia SO does not back me up on this one). The Jews… where to start… Moses never sees God and it bothers him so much he says so. God shows him his backside (really) as he blasts the mountaintop black with fire as per his usual departure. Moses is given tablets he’s so happy about he destroys them at the first opportunity then “tells” everyone what they said. Because in his two week absence they reverted to worshipping a metal cow you heated up then cooked babies on (Seriously? Probably… Rome erased most of Ba’al’s records). After totally not making up what was on the tablets, he orders that half of his tribe literally execute the other half cause of the Ba’al thing… the Bible IS the Necronomicon. It’s just in how you read it and whether you have the original copy or not. Personally I like the Dead Sea Scrolls, Sumeria, and any other really old shit out there. It’s all one horible old book folks. It’s a good thing we are able to ignore it.
    P.S. I am not racist against non humans. Except gay furries. Wait, that doesn’t conflict. Anyway, we usually get the redneck asshole aliens. We’re the Hinterlands.

        • Aliens bring world peace! Religion is forgotten as god is a sick child watching his children die from alien probing. Unite!

          …I used the ‘little’ g 😉

  4. Is Mr. Taliban pinching one of his little wife’s undeveloped nipples with his left hand?

    BTW, one of the things I like the most about Muslims is how easily the slaughter their wives/mothers/sisters/daughters if they think they looked at a male they shouldn’t have. “Family honor” is so fun.
    Oh, and don’t think for a second this only happens in undeveloped countries where herding sheep is the highest technological accomplishment(well, besides using old soviet-era weaponry), no, this happens plenty of times every year right here in Israel.
    Pity the crazy, war-mongering, racist right-wingers don’t recognize what a great partner for peace these Muslims are, like we, the educated, liberal leftist elite do.

  5. Eh? Shrimp? As far as I know, very VERY few christians even KNOW about the Old Testiment bit that would prohibit shrimp, let alone practice it…it’s part of the very complicated set of rules for determining what is “Kosher” which is pretty much a Jewish thing, not Christian.

    I once read a short story called “The Ruminant Strain” which involved some genetic engineers who had created a breed of pigs that chewed their cud, and the furor this caused, because by the strict definition, this made the pigs a kosher animal.

    • Regarding shrimp and Christians – that’s kinda the point Kevin is making.

      “The Bible is the irrefutable word of God – except the parts that are inconvenient to me,” and all that nonsense.

      • IMO if you want to follow a religion then go exactly by its tenets and don’t ommit what you don’t like.
        I have more appriciation, in a way, for the nut-jobs that follow the strict word of their religion than those “light-believers”(like light-beer) who say they believe in this or that but only really carry a cross pendant on their chest or come to a synagogue once a year on yom-kippur(usually driving there in a car…which is of course a mortal sin all in itself).

        The thing is, religion says there’s a god(s) that wants/demands us to do this and don’t do that. Now if you say you believe and these are divine rules then you can’t choose what you want to do and what you don’t. So either do everything or don’t do anything. There’s no place for a middle ground when dealing with the divine, as all religions say after all.

    • If they don’t eat shrimp then they don’t eat pork etc either, right? Or do those Christian sub-groups “forget” about pork and other common foods and just don’t eat the “exotic” stuff?
      Kosher rules are maybe 2nd most complex set of rules in Judaism, I think shabbath rules are the 1st. You people really have no idea how complex this shit is when you start looking at the dairy-meat sub-set of rules, including cleaning dishes to be used with one of the food-groups.
      There’s much more to it than “pork is bad”.

      Can’t remember what appostle it was that had the bright idea of luring more gentiles(especially greeks) into the busom of the tiny, florishing new cult by ditching the kosher rules, ’cause you know, those are a real bummer*. Does anyone know when they ditched the other big “un-fun” tenets, like circumcision and observing the shabbath to adjust it to an even wider audience?

      Speaking of taboo foods, why is it that north-americans don’t eat much internal organs? Brains are yummy…and so soft. No wonder zombies like them so much.

      *Though personally I don’t eat “sea food”. I can’t eat something the that looks like that. I prefer my food to have fur or feathers before it dies.

      • Totally guessing here, but it could be because our methods of raising animals is so filthy that many internal organs (brains, livers, kidneys) simply wouldn’t be safe to eat.

        • I don’t think that’s the reason, as muscle tissues would be just as volunrable to pathogens and all the nasty chimicals.
          I have a little theory that US(and the like…like Canada…that’s one of the US provinces, right? 😛 ) cutomers are used to their food being processed for them and maybe that’s why they aren’t used to seeing internal organs. But this is probably rubbish as well.

          Man, I could really go for some half-bloody chicken livers with lots of onion right now(the only thing I eat bloody, blood doesn’t actually have a good taste on its own…damn hemoglobin!).

          ETA: Speaking of taboo foods(again), am I the only one that has been to a pet shop and started drooling over the cute hamsters, rabbits etc? They look both cute and tasty to me.
          I’m sad none of the Visitors in the new V has had a cute mouse for breakfast yet.

        • I’d have to agree with Kevin here. Mad cow disease (as mentioned below) is transmitted via eating brain tissue. Also, the kidneys and liver are “filter” organs in that one of their main functions in a living animal is to filter out the “bad stuff” from the blood. Given all the chemicals we pump our food animals with due to overcrowded farming conditions, the residues build up quite a lot in these filter organs. Finally, all meat (and organs) in the US need to pass FDA standards. Given the relatively very small mass of organs in a cow (versus the “regular meat”), it’s generally not worth it monetarily to got through the effort of getting them “approved” for human consumption.

          • I doubt Haggis will ever really take off as a “Favorite Snack Food” in the USA…

            Oh, and I do hope no one is equating THESE assclowns with actual, real baptists: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Westboro_Baptist_Church

            They’re about as “Right wing” as the National Socialist Worker’s Party was…which is to say, not really.

            Just a bunch of evil buttmunches using religion as an excuse to be evil buttmunches in public.

      • Basically, the Christian faith dropped 90% of the hebrew law stuff to get more Greeks into the fold early on…basically they said “Ok…you can be as Greek as you like, but the ten commandments are absolute.”

        I think the big one the greeks didn’t like was circumcision.

        As for eating brains…you HAVE heard of Bovine spongiform encephalopathy, right? do you really want to risk an incurable degenerative condition for a little “brain food?”

        • “Ten Commandments”, right…only they forgot about the shabbeth and anything else that’s uncomfortable.

          If you check the cows then there’s no problem with mad cow disease. I’m not sure I understand though, if only the cow’s brain is infected then why did they destroy the entire body of infected cows? Seems like one should avoid eating beef altogether to avoid catching it.
          All this is moot though, since AFAIK brains are rather expensive compared to muscles(only tiny amount per cow) and I’m on a tight budget, and I’ll probably ruin it anyway, so I haven’t had one in years now.
          Only good thing my mother did was some of her cooking, really.

          Testicles are also great(chicken).

          How about cow tongues though? Those are pure muscle, and quite deliucious. And turkey necks…lots of soft meat surrounding cruncy bones.

          Anyway, I’ve gotten really off topic, so Islam is the devil.

          • mad cow disease is of the dormant variety, i.e. it can be present in the cow, but not infectious. When it enters the later stages(cow becomes mad), it infects the whole body and start’s spreading – fast. And because it spreads into the surrounding environment and can lay there dormant, until it finds another victim, the body is burned, and the farm/farming community/county is quarantined and disinfected.

            BTW here in Iceland, due to our isolation, not only have all but eradicated most of those dangerous diseases(mad cow/sheep, foot-and-mouth disease, etc), but farming here is mostly organic(we never got into those heavy genetic engineering tricks, or pumping our animals/land full of chemicals). Intestines are quite commonly eaten here, both because of tradition, and also because they are much cheaper. Salted or smoked cow tongues are pretty much awesome, especially since there are no bones in them, and their basic structure is different from other muscles, they are not sinewy or chewy.

            I LOVE soured sheep testicles. Also rotten shark. And mysa(whey derived from curdling milk to make skyr). And blóðmör(sort of blood-bread, but made similar to haggis). And … you get the picture

            • Mad cow disease infects the whole nervous system, meaning the brain, spine, nerves etc., and once it’s in there, then it’s hard to properly slaughter the animal because you have to avoid cutting into anything infected, like severing through the spine. And people wouldn’t eat meat from an “infected” animal anyway, and you cannot keep it a secret because that would be a crime. But mostly the whole animal carcass is burned (cows with mad cow disease, or the sheep with Scrapie etc.) so that it won’t mysteriously *cough* find its way back into the animal feeding process and be “resurrected” as protein-rich meal, food additives for the fattening of cows and sheep and pigs.

              That’s how the whole thing started in the first place: dead sheep were routinely being processed, dried, ground up into protein- and calcium-rich meal, and then fed back to sheep, or cows. Unfortunately the sheep had scrapie, a prion-disease, which causes mad cow disease and probably causes Kreutzfeld-Jacob-disease in humans. (A similar variant exists in Australia which strikes kangoroos.)

              Same happens with chickens, they’re often fed dead processed chicken in the form of pellets. Although in the wake of all these outbreaks, there were stricter laws made in Europe to avoid feeding animal meat to herbivores.

              As for eating internal organs and intestines of animals like cows, pigs, chicken, deer and so on, it’s pretty common here in Europe. Although Germany banned the use of cow brains in the traditional Bregenwurst sausages exactly because of fears of prions. Fish? No problem there. Fish is very nutricious and rich in phosphates which our brain needs to build up neurons. (If we would just stop poisoning the maritime food chain with mercury and other nasty stuff.)

              But I think the main difference between i.e. Germany and USA is the strict meat inspection rules enforced by the German government, whereby meats, poultry, eggs, fish and sea food are inspected for signs of disease or parasites like i.e. trichina worms and tapeworm cysts.

              • And from latest science news: There’s now a way to check cows for mad cow disease without having to wait until the animal if dead and dissecting its brain. Apparently the disease causes a build-up of prions in the background of the cow’s eye even in the early stages which can be made visible with ultraviolet light. So now you won’t have to have to cull the whole herd and destroy dozens or hundreds of non-infected animals anymore because now you can precisely say which cows must be killed and which ones are clean.

              • All safety inspections in America are made with an eye towards profits first, and safety second. Please witness the Gulf of Mexico.

      • @orald: The name you’re looking for is Paul (Saul) if Tarsus, who took Jesus’ words to the gentiles. Or at least what other poeple had written down as Jesus’ words.

  6. I used to wish that all the religious right nut jobs in the US (aka Baptists as you call them) would get their dander up and go after the Islamic/Jewish/pick-your-least-favorite-religion-here nut jobs and wipe each other out – thus solving the problem for the rest of us… then it happened. Unfortunately, the nut job who started it all was a US President from Texas, so instead of having two groups of nut jobs wiping each other out we ended up with a decade long war that dragged the whole country along. Not exactly what I was hoping for.

    (edit for clarity as to “who” started it: the 9/11 attacks were carried out by nut jobs who were almost all from Saudi Arabia, the two wars are in Afghanistan and Iraq, so I maintain it was the Texas nut job who started those fights)

    As for your cartoon: are you TRYING to have a fatwa issued against you? As you mentioned – people have been stoned to death for less.

      • That unnamed Taliban dude is obviously NOT Muhammad anyway, since soccer wasn’t around during his lifetime, and the hajjab is a much more recent invention.

      • Doesn’t have to be a picture specifically – the offense comes from showing/talking about Mohammad in ANY “disrespectful” way. This can be construed to mean almost anything – like the elementary school teacher who was sentenced to death because the students in her class named the class mascot (a stuffed teddy bear) “Mohammad”.
        (Luckily in this case, cooler heads prevailed when the world found out and her sentence was “commuted”.)

        • My (clearly imperfect) understanding is that there is a specific proscription in islam against “graven images” (pictures, as it is interpreted) of any sort of religious figure. Thus the intricate patterning of decorations on the walls of mosques and such… but not pix of allah or Muhammad.

          I believe speaking disrespectfully is a separate, if related, issue… though one I am equally at home with.

    • Actually, the nutjobs from Saudi Arabia were ticked off because the Saudis asked the US to help out when Iraq invaded Kuwait instead of relying on THEM, so Iraq WAS involved, at least as the motive behind the nutjobs…ironically, a lot of the training camps the nutjobs were using to train for things like 9-11 were IN Iraq (Ever heard of Salman Pak?) which made Iraq the number one state sponsor of terrorism, which was the actual reason that Iraq became a target for GW2.

      No, it wasn’t “WMDs”…that was cooked up by the media later to try to sideline the REAL reason Saddam got ousted.

        • [self-censored – I’m getting really annoyed here, orald, so my reply was, shall we say, honest but not polite.]

        • Extraordinary claims require extraordinary evidence and decent jokes require better punchlines than that.
          It’s still a controversial statement to say that the Israeli secret service has been using Jewish sympathizers in other countries in pursuit of Israeli foreign and domestic policy goals, and your statement (if not a joke) seems to require that at a minimum.
          If this was a humour failure I have very simple advice on how to improve it: Cross the line at least twice damnit, you only made it over once.

          • I’m sorry if my joke was received badly, so to make it clear here are 3 facts about me:

            1. I’m a Jew.

            2. Apart from some civil-rights stuff I’m what most would call a hard right-winger. So I’m not one of those self hating Jews whose last incarnation was as probably as kapoes.

            3. I’ve often been told my jokes don’t get through. I say people just lack my special, free sense of humor, their loss.

            • And I’m telling you that you had to complain about the dentists (Seinfeld reference) or something else absurd to go along with it; charges and mockeries of anti-Jewish bigotry are unfortunately not as much as no laughing matter as they should be for a variety of reasons (which are themselves sadly controversial) so the absurdity has to be overwhelmingly overstated.

              • Ah, you mean the internet rules of “a parody of a crazy comment is hard to distinguish from true crazy comments” and “sarcasm doesn’t work well over the internet” are working against me, so that one can’t tell if I’m joking or not.

                I agree, but it’s not my style. Something to do with how I perceive too blatant a parody to be a less efficient tool than a subtler one, and that evil things motivate people better than obvious crazy talk.
                Something like the difference between making a parody of Hitler, for instance(I had to drag him into the discussion, you know), and showing his “works”.
                Sure, you can ridicule him and make his ideas seem like jokes, but I think showing the results is a harder, better shock, and moves and motivates people better.

                Of course, those who don’t get it’s a parody either agree(and I probably wouldn’t have affected them anyway), or enraged and thus have successfully been driven to hate such a view even more, and that works for me.

      • I thought the root of the issue was that we had stationed troops in Saudi Arabia, specifically in Medina, which is one of the two Arab holy cities. (The only thing less tolerable than infidels in Mecca or Medina are armed troops of infidels in Mecca or Medina.) After Desert Storm, we negotiated with the Saudi government to leave a troop presence there, which inflamed the wahabbis. Significant among that group was Osama bin Ladin, who was a mujahadeen commander in Afghanistan against the Russians, and who had been trained by the Americans under Zbigniew Brzezinski’s plan during the Carter administration.