641 – White Smoke Mountain • 10

The Friday Blog

The Biblical Standard

Peter Sanders

Wichita, Kansas 04•01•10

Grace Hosen has a dream.

This morning, at 6:30 A.M., Grace rolled out of bed, made breakfast for her family of five, put together the kids lunches and saw her husband Mark off to work just as she does every morning. But from there her day took an exciting twist. After kissing Mark on the cheek and waving goodbye, Grace became a whirlwind of activity, getting herself ready for the Wichita 4th Circuit courtroom, and her place in history.

“I was so jittery, I could barely put on my lipstick.” Grace gushed. “I just kept thinking how happy I was making Jesus. I know he was helping me get it straight.” Mrs. Hosen and her lipstick filed suit at 9:12 this morning (the courtroom officially opens at 9:30) against the state of Kansas for allowing the legal marriage of non-Christian couples, and providing them the rights and privileges that should be reserved to Christians.

Not your average homemaker.

Grace Hosen filed suit on behalf of the Families Across America Political Action Committee, or FAAPAC, of which she is the acting director and a founding member. The organization began ten years ago in response to grassroots efforts to legalize homosexual marriages which presents an intoxicating view of the homosexual to America’s youth. Over that time the group has received hundreds of millions of dollars in funds, thanks in no small part to the efforts of Mrs. Hosen herself. FAAPAC newsletters paint her as the savior of marriage in America, a title she blushingly says is a bit overstated.

“I heard that they (FAAPAC members) had been calling me that.” Grace stated in a 2008 interview for Godsfeast.com. “But I’m just the vessel. God fills me up every night while I sleep in my bed and I just do whatever he asks of me. No different from anyone else.” Mrs. Hosen’s humility extends to the workplace as well, where she she maintains the title of “Acting Director” in order to maintain her Godly station in the family. Her husband Mark is an insurance salesman who specializes in policies for the elderly, and as a result would ordinarily make much less money per year than she. However, as part of her terms for accepting the duties of Director, Grace Hosen insisted that Mark be listed as the actual director, and all of her paychecks be made out to him.

“It’s the way God wanted it.” she humbly says.

God’s grand plan.

With Grace Hosen at the helm last year, FAAPAC utterly defeated the agents of the degenerate homosexual agenda in Kansas and sent them packing. But once the threat was gone, Mrs. Hosen discovered that her mission was far from over. Buoyed by her success in utilizing her greatest weapon… the Bible… in her fight for this great nation’s future, Grace Hosen returned to it’s pages for the next step in God’s plan.

Says Grace, “After so many years reading the Good Book for strategies to use against the homosexual, I was surprised how late my realization came that nowhere in those beautiful pages does God even mention the marriage of non-Christians! His will is clear. These people were never intended to marry. Now I know that our previous battles were just a dry run. This is the fight I God created me for.”

According to Mrs. Hosen, the stakes were actually lower against homosexuals than they are against non-Christians, as unbelievable as that sounds. Her reasoning? Homosexuals cannot reproduce as God intended man to do. Non-Christians are unfortunately perfectly capable of abusing God’s gifts to them and reproducing wholesale… unless FAAPAC removes their ability to be married. Marriage, which non-Christians have no true right under God, to possess.

“If we can take marriage away from the Muslims, and the Hindus, and the Satanists, we can control their population.” Graces beams. “By reserving God’s rightful gift to us, to us, we can finally fulfill God’s plan to make the United States of America a Christian nation, as it was always intended.” And Mrs. Hosen and FAAPAC see no reason to stop there. “With God behind us, I don’t know why we can’t apply the same tactics against the Catholics, or the Lutherans, or any other non-Baptist group of ‘pretend-Christians’. Once that’s done, we can move on to the blacks, Mexicans, and anyone else who stands outside of God’s grace.” At this she pauses a moment, blushing again, obviously embarrassed at the unintentional play on her own name.

“I’m just happy to be living here in God’s world at a time when such hope as this exists.” Grace says quietly.

As are we all Grace Hosen. As are we all.

67 Responses to 641 – White Smoke Mountain • 10

    • Well done sir, but I think you should’ve played dirty and used actual organization and publicity-whore names. Because the lesson of Swift’s Modest Proposal is strong and relevant. 😀

      P.S. Isn’t Darren Bleuel’s Nukees doing this half-joke already, except as an extended plotline instead of an April Fools’ one-shot? Also, where did you get your inspiration?

      • I thought about it listening to the news. I wish I could remember the actual story that prompted it… urg… now I’m never going to remember.

        I just looked up Nukees. The first strip I read was VERY funny. I may have to add them to my rotation!

        • I’m very sorry, I’ll try to stop mentioning comics you may not have started reading yet. I should do my part to avoid spreading the addiction.

      • If I’m making my skill roll on English to English translation the complaint is that your mockery was too apt and leaves Nighty dismayed with the tendencies of humanity in general and American religious-imperialistic humanity in particular.

        • I concur. I’ll admit that you had me going there for a bit, especially that bit about her view that no mention of non-christians equals no right to marry and reproduce. 😯 I’m suprised that it hasn’t been used by some idiot yet. Well, maybe it has but I haven’t heard it yet.

  1. Dear DM.

    I would like to hear your advice on how to play a female character (especially human, and also demi humans) in a somewhat more realistic manner. As opposed to the usual “sex-doll onna stick” or “man with boobs/vagina” roleplay that so many male RPGr’s run.

    Also, what does a woman mean when she says “I love you”?

    • How do you realistically play a female human?
      ….Seriously dude, if you have to ask this question you probably need more help than any man can give. If you really want to try though, and you have the will to do this, I’d suggest reading the works of Margaret Atwood. The early stuff is angry feminist ranting from an actual woman and the later stuff mellows out to relatively readable. The middle stuff where she hasn’t quite figured out her voice for men is probably the most instructive but some of each category is your best bet.
      …..Of course that just teaches you how things look like to a specific wordy, somewhat bitchy woman with almost as much spite as I have, and this does not generalize on to all women.

      Also, what does a woman mean when she says “I love you”?
      Needs more data. It may or may not be anywhere from the complete, unabridged truth, to a half-truth, to a completely selfish, manipulative lie depending on the woman and the circumstances.

      • Mr Coward,
        I think you’re getting ahead of the questions list, that’s some of the next stuff I was hoping to ask our Dear DM.

        For the love question I thinks she really does mean it, after all she loves him, but what is she actually meaning?

        • Sorry, when someone asks a question that’s difficult enough to be interesting I go overboard sometimes. Refer me to our host to set a penance if you think it’s necessary, it’s his comic and website.

          As far as what a sincere, “I love you,” could mean… still insufficient data. I don’t think you have time to write a ridiculously complete biography of the woman in question and a minute-detail account of the events of the week leading up to that statement, nor I time to read those accounts to attempt decryption.
          I could wax with great detail about things I’ve known it to mean when dealing with other women and the hairy details of attempting to intellectually parse the meanings of emotional statements and actions. I think I probably would do better to save that for when I’m stuck in a hospital and have nothing better to do besides write a book though, so please forgive me if I’m giving you a less complete answer than you would like just now.
          Clarify with additional parameters and details for a more specific answer. 😀

    • That’s what the terrorists do, if you resort to the targeted-assassination and targeted-harassment method you’re no better than a terrorist yourself.
      Seriously, kids these days… does nobody understand what Ghandi proved anymore?

      • What Ghandi proved?

        That even English realise that if they shoot all their workers they’ll have to get the harvests in themselves?

        • Sorry, haven’t bought the drum set yet, not ready to do a rimshot.
          Ghandi proved that when enough of an entire population has decided with sufficient conviction not to follow what someone tells them to do that means all there is left for that someone to attempt is genocide or retreat. The violence part of revolt isn’t generally necessary to invalidating the would-be authority and usually only ends up splitting the rebellion into civilian and militant factions that are weaker without the other part.
          Conquest and freedom is the question of what institutions are and are not legitimate in a society, and if the people in that society do not minimally recognize the legitimacy of an institution then it is effectively dead. American fundamentalists are proving this fact right now with their violation of the constitutional principle of separation of church and state: Enough of them are revolting against it to have bent and broken this important part of American tradition.

          • “Ghandi proved that when enough of an entire population has decided with sufficient conviction not to follow what someone tells them”

            You missed out a very very very important part.
            That population must have something that their oppressors desire from them. There are more than enough Tiananmen Square and genocides occurring in the world to proof that it’s not just a population thing.
            The English rulers needed their morlochs, just as slave coffee, cocoa and cobalt overlords need their slave villages, and Africa guerilla fighters need their villagers to supply children to force&train into troops. If they could do without those people it’d be napalm in the morning time, but they can’t quite do that.
            However unlike Ghandi’s oppressors if those people create a stir they’re more trouble than they’re worth and will be gone. In the case of Ghandi’s oppressor’s they had something more important to them than what the slaves were doing and -that- makes all the difference. Although sometimes the “difference” is one of public face (like the stuff foreign folk see about US foreign activities that doesn’t get on Fox.)

            • You missed out a very very very important part.
              That population must have something that their oppressors desire from them.

              I assumed this as given, since oppressors are in it for the profits from and control over the subject population. Otherwise they would do as the U.S. did during its wars of continental colonization and commit genocide of varying types and degrees.
              The root topic is dogmatic religious oppressors attempting to dogmatically oppress with religion, and what one should do in response. Currently most of the people likely to affect the issue one way or another are likely to lose more credibility with the overall whole of American society by using violence to pursue political ends than they stand to gain. Fringe loony groups protected from disclosure and arrest by corrupt media companies and corrupt law enforcement are still the exception nationally.
              Once that changes, organization for self-defense becomes very important and the topic of assaultive operations is ripe for consideration, but not before. Don’t make martyrs on the enemy side if you can avoid it.

              • It can be assumed as a given but to disregard it as a motivator because of it’s obviousness re-writes the event.

                I was taught the Ghandi thing as an example of peaceful opposition, and of “love” overcoming violence. Which is the prime motivators are taken out then the message can be written that way.

                But considering that exposes some of the real .
                Self-defense? Who’s? The “rightful” government? The freedom fighters? The workers? The job providers? The food providers? The shelter providers? The landlords? Individual Rights? National Security?

                That all comes back to information control.

                Which brings us back to image manufacture.
                And that links us back to Ghandi, where people “want” the happy optioin, yet the reality of it is that they were shooting their oppressed labour force and they only stopped because they didn’t have any more labour force. It doesn’t matter whether it’s labour or religion, the whole point of marketing is to be able to create the image you need.

                So make plenty of matyrs on the enemy side (between theirs than ours) and confuse them enough to take out someone else/be someone else’s problem.

                • What do I think of Western civilization? I think it would be a very good idea. –Ghandi

                  Dude used PR to great effect, affecting the whole outcome by successfully casting the people who were wielding guns against pacifists as evil in their home country. That is my general point here, it’s a PR coup to be able to say believably that your enemies are the only people nasty enough to be trying to kill to get their way. This is why you should keep your own militants sufficiently engaged and active in non-violent ways.
                  As an example of what happens when you fail to do that, consider the message that the corporate media takes from the various G20 and WTO summit protests: The people protesting against those things are successfully cast as a bunch of opportunistic thugs due to some very successfully applied counterinsurgency techniques and a lack of discipline amongst the protesters at those events.
                  In short, until the conflict has developed to a point at which it’s a contest of who is better at genocide one generally has much more to lose by engaging in political assault and murder than they stand to gain.

      • I got that all wrong too. I thought that Ghandi proved vegetarianism was useless as a healthful method of prolonging your life if you piss off enough people with rifles.

        • And this award, for most ghoulish zing of the thread goes to….
          Eh, I’d say ya did good Kev, but there are people who would disagree with me on that.

    • I love those guys that come out every Christmas and carve people’s names into single grains of rice. I also think the imagery of that is really funny.

      “Somewhere out there is a grain of rice with your name on it. The trick is to die of old age before it finds you.”

  2. I admit that I am a Roman Catholic; with that statement, let’s set all biases aside…

    I wonder if Mrs. Hosen ever stopped to consider that the Christian God she knows and loves specifically chosen the Israelites as His chosen race? If God did not permit the marriages of non-Christians, then by virtue no marriage previous to the death of Christ and Pentecost itself is viewed as valid nor holy. Such “famous” marriages would include the marriage of Moses & Zipporah and of Joseph of Bethleham & The Virgin Mary.

    Again, following the flow of logic, that would mean that Mary was impure before giving birth to Christ, and therefore defeated God’s plan before it began.

    So, with that argument carried to it’s end, we’re left with only one logical conclusion: her premise is truly flawed. Granted, everyone reading this ought to know that, however I think it would be worthwhile to raise this point to Mrs. Hosen, and thus “show her the light”. Anyone know her email address??

    P.S. I’m having trouble finding both her and FAAPAC via Google. Seriously, I want to ask her about all of the above!

      • John, while Kevin wrote this as a joke there are a few things you probably consider when dealing with a real life Mrs. Hosen. Faith is a powerful thing and life with no faith in anything is pretty empty. Blind faith however, is a beast. No amount of reason will penetrate through. These are people who start with a belief and will go out of their way to justify it. If logic applies, it’s usually from a flawed premise and any attempt at discussion will be met with something like “It’s God’s will and there’s nothing you can say or do to change my mind. Excuse me while I go attempt to force everyone to see things my way.” That comment about there being no mention of non-christians means that they were never intended to marry is a prime example. I won’t say that people like that never reform their views; I will say that even where the possibilty exists, it’s an extremely difficult proposition. Keep that in mind if you do find someone like that. Also try to keep in mind that while they may be wrong, you may not be right either. If you don’t you put yourself at risk of becoming someone similar.

        • The House of Liturgical Equanimity preaches faith in oneself, to always do the best you can in any situation. (Space gods need not apply.)

  3. Well done, Kevin. You had me so pissed. The sad part is that this is a believable story. Still, hats off to you, sir.

  4. Dang! I was going to ask her out on a date! That’s is exactly the type of woman that could benefit from a bi pagan man having unattached sex with her. Btw, you never did mention if her made up husband was cute, that could have made it even better.

    • @John
      “God fills me up every night while I sleep in my bed and I just do whatever he asks of me”.

      Does that answer about her made up husband? I’ll have what she’s having, if you know what I mean.

    • Now now John, what woman couldn’t benefit from having a bi pagan man having unattached sex with her 🙂

        • Ah, I see you don’t know all the mystical secrets Kevin.

          Have cheer!
          There are things yet to be learnt. And apparantly how to have unattached sex with bi pagan men is one them!

  5. Please, someone tell me the Tea Party are another extravagant April Fools hoax. Please.

    • No, but the “Democratic” Party is…Oh, wait… they’re fools year-round and not just on April first…

      • They’re not particularly much fools as politicians go, they’re just serving different masters than the people who vote for them. They serve the people who pay their large-donation campaign contributions instead, and much of America either pretends this isn’t so or pretends that it doesn’t matter.

        • Politicians in general all go into the general “fool” catagory as far as I’m concerned…The “Ship of state” was never more synonymous with “Ship of fools” than it is today…

          How else can you explain continuing to spend like…well I would say “Drunken sailors”, but that would be an insult to the fiscal responsibility of your average inebriated seaman…when there is ALREADY nothing but red ink in the books.

          • Again, that’s because they’re serving different masters than the voting public and the good of the American state. Continuing to spend thousands of dollars per toilet seat on toilet seats is fucking great for the no-contest bidders to the Pentagon who grease the way by bribing top generals and relevant politicians.
            They are not fools, they are traitors. Big difference.

            • I think the “thousand dollar toilet seat” thing is more like a way for the pentagon to hide the money going to high tech weapons development…wasn’t it in “Men in Black” where they said something like:

              “Hey, where did the money come from for all this stuff?”
              “You don’t think they REALLY payed thousands of dollars for a hammer or a toilet seat, do you?”

              The master that politicians serve is their own political power…maintaining it and stealing every penny they can to line their own pockets…THAT…is a politician. They’re not even trying to HIDE the bribes-for-votes anymore…it’s being done openly and blatantly.

              Poly: Greek prefix meaning “Many”
              Tics: Blood Sucking Parasites.

              So…Poly-Tics = Many Blood Sucking Parasites.

              • Actually, it comes from the Greek word “polis” meaning city (and I assume you know that), but your version is much funnier. 8)

    • It’s okay Noodlebug. American politics is ALL just one big, elaborate prank. Any day now they’re every one going to take off their “I Hate XXX” buttons and their “XXX is ruining America” bumper stickers and we’ll all have a good laugh.

      • Dude, you’re cleaning up in the zinger category. Can we switch next time a big issue topic comes up?

  6. Is it bad and wrong that I know the poem that was about to be recited, and that I’m excited that you got the font pretty much right?

    I never had much success promising to show women my “beast in the boiling bubble,” though.

  7. Oh, crap, the imaginary lady figured out Satanists control the government and she wants to take away their right to marry? How will they hold orgies Tom Cruise is not invited to, or kidnap, molest, and murder little kids without marriage? Speaking as an ex-Satanist who is now married, marriage is an overrated ceremony, and the Satanists you need to worry about are all married Republicans. Here’s one:
    Oh wait, he’s not married 👿
    p.s. No I don’t advocate child abuse. But seriously don’t leave your kids unattended around fat old rich men.

    • Companies spend vast quantities of time, effort and money on press releases, photo-ops, publicity videos, commercials and PR company activities to emotionally manipulate people to have more positive opinions of their company than they truly deserve, and that’s a fact. Any relevant judgments of morality must take that into account.
      Beyond that I’m running in terror from the question since comparative morality is an awful topic.

      • Viacom is doing some really nasty business practices, like suing Google for videos they possibly uploaded themselves, and filing perjury claims on people that made original content that they then proceeded to rip off without giving credit.

        The guy is pretty annoying, though.

        • To clarify what I meant by the perjury thing, some one made original content and uploaded it to YouTube. Some one in Viacom ripped it off on one of their TV shows. THEN, they made YouTube take down the original via copyright infringement claim.

          Real nice folks, no matter what.

          • Ah, I had heard some of this before, back when Viacom first announced the lawsuits.

            Anheiser Busch did basically the same thing with their Budweiser label. Way back when AB stole the Budweiser name and recipe from a tiny Chekoslavakian brewery. Decades later, when AB Budweiser was already all over Europe and the tiny brewery was finally starting to grow, AB successfully sued them to keep their sales out of the rest of Europe.

            All’s dickery in love, war, and business.

  8. I agree with nightly, that was small potatos compaired to some real events I can think off the top of my head

    http://www.gendercide.org/case_infanticide.html (millions of babies a year killed the moment the parents realize its a girl, usually after shes born)

    http://www.facebook.com/pages/The-Political-Hookup/336958128896 (not nearly as bad as above but behold the return of the red scare {SERIOUSLY!} apparently all Chinese are communists even ones from Taiwan or born right here in America)

    http://www.skrause.org/humor/stupidlaws.shtml (and on a lighter note check these out, particularity 12, 15, 22, 25, and my favorite 96)

    I apologize if Kevin has a breakdown on the last link

  9. Uh, maybe, when the gamemaster starts handing out Important Clues via his smart-ass GM-NPCs, the players should listen?

    Never heard the poem before, but after invocing the magic of my Google-fu, it took me only three tries (about 30 seconds) to find the source…. White Plume Mountain? Never played that. 😐

    • Listen? DM? Story Plot Line? Monologued Expedition?

      We not the language for these things to be understanding with!