I have been saving this very special news for Friday, because it felt like it needed some ceremony. But Friday is here, and it’s time to share.
Inspired by several of you who have already begun worshipping me, I have gotten myself legally ordained as a Minister in the Universal Life Church, or ULC. As the Reverend Kevin, I have the right and obligation to tend to all of you, my flock, in exchange for your obeisance. Also, in keeping with the rather… open… nature of the ULC, I get to make up all my own rules and laws.
To begin, I feel that “Minister” fails to fully capture my majestic magnificence. Instead, I will be called Hierophant Kevin, or as the Hierophant of the Universal Life Church, I will be the HULC. For those of you concerned, the reasons behind this move are entirely held in the mysteries of the divine, and have nothing to do with the fact that my ex-father insists on me calling him “Judge Shore” and I think it’d be really funny for me to insist that he in turn call me “Hierophant Pettway”.
Though we fall under the aegis of the ULC, our church shall be known as the House of Liturgical Equanimity, where everyone is equal except me, who is better. It shall be the HULC’s HOLE, and everyone is welcome within. (If they can fit.)
As for sins, it seems only fair that I should demand belief in my HOLE to the exclusion of the millions of other religions in the world. I think that’s only expected. All other religions are just rackets set up by self interested muggles (normal, non-divine humans) in an exercise to make themselves look more important than they are, and to showcase the absurdity of creating a new religion from whole cloth. We will have none of that here! While people oughtta be nice to each other and junk like that, the last guy to really press the issue didn’t have it turn out so well for him, so I’ll just say use your own judgement.
Once the Heroes of Lesser Earth comic is finished, (six months to a year from now) the whole of it will become our bible. Except we can’t call it the bible… we have to call it something else, like the Grand Repository of Everything Anyone Would Ever Want to Know. We’ll just call it the Repository for short. That sounds snappy. See, all the information you need to live a happy and productive life in there, but it’s all in allegory… and here’s the best part… it’s always up to the individual reader to figure out what it means! (I thought about doing it myself, but decided it sounded like too much work.) Don’t worry though, there’s no way that multiple interpretations of the same holy book could go wrong.
Now, don’t think that just because I am the Hierophant and you are the sheeple I’m not expecting any work outta you. I need a hand with the most important part of ANY religion… holidays! I need creative names, histories, and observances. These have to look good, since we’ll all be taking them off from work. Some possible examples follow:
- Birthdays: The day the magic spark of the divine ignited your first breath is a day of rejoicing and festival. Presents are given to the one who’s birthday it is as a recreation of their first divine gift. Also, in remembrance of the entrance to our magical world, everyone at the birthday party should be naked.
- Star Wars Day: May 25th shall be held as sacred to commemorate the opening of Star Wars: A New Hope. This original telling of the trials and triumphs of Luke, Ben, Han, Leia, Chewie and the droids mirrors closely the tale of the Hierophant himself, and should be treated as a gospel. Viewings of the “real” trilogy (4-6) are to be held on this day, as well as themed feasting and drink. (“Death Star” popcorn balls, spicy “Y-Wings”, and the famous “Another one for my friend” drink.) To show faith in the Force which moves through us all, Star Wars Day festivities should be conducted naked.
- Thursdays: As the Hierophant himself doth game every Thursday, so too shall all the members in his mighty HOLE. Thursday shall be called Gaming Day, and observed with gaming and junk food. (Everyone should keep their clothes on for this one. No one wants to see gamers naked.)
As you can see, we clearly need more holidays. There should be one with ice cream, and probably one for beer, and porn too. I’ll leave the rest to you guys to figure out. Anyone who gets a holiday is a saint!