The Friday Blog
One day It cornered a buddy of mine and made him explain the mechanics of gay sex to me. I already knew what went where, (or I thought I did) but I didn’t understand why all the other guys mooned over his new boyfriend just because the guy had a huge pecker. (Big around as a Coke can.) It seemed to me that a big penis would be a liability in gay sex, since generally speaking, that hole should be smaller. (So much I didn’t understand.)
My friend, between giggles and hiding his face, (absolutely the the most shameless dude in the world… when not explaining sex to a straight guy) clued me in on the whole prostate/male G-spot deal. See, unlike a woman, when a guy gets poked he almost always has an orgasm without any special effort. Objectively, it seems quite unfair. In the missionary position, a guy is likely to completely miss a woman’s most orgasm-producing area, since he’s aiming towards the back and the spot in question is up and in front. But guys on guys practically can’t help but hit the right place. (It has long been my opinion that the missionary position became the officially church-sanctioned way of doin’ it specifically because it’s the least likely to produce any female satisfaction.)
So naturally that got me thinking about god. Making the jump and saying that god made man in his own image, (and faked the whole evolution thing to throw us off the scent) we know a few things about god. One thing we know is that god is built to enjoy gay lovin’. Another is that he’d rather watch TV than work, but that’s for another discussion. When god makes the world he makes all these crazy-assed animals and “natural” systems that work perfectly together and all serve a purpose, because the way the world operates is part of god’s plan. If god made it that way, that’s the way it ought to be and we stupid humans ought not go mucking about with it.
So… what’s up with the butt sex? God is rather infamously down on butt sex… so why did he make it an even more efficient pleasure-producer than the vaginal variety? And if he made it that way, shouldn’t we respect that? Evolutionarily speaking, butt sex makes a certain amount of sense. Bang a dude when you just want to get off, and bang a chick when you want to make some babies. Bring the tribe close. The family that comes together sticks together. I would go so far as to suggest my own sexual prejudice in favor of women is entirely cultural in nature, and is likely the opposite of god’s original intention.
Which points up what most likely happened. God made man thinking “Hey, this dude can fuck anybody he wants. I made him, I want him to have fun.” But then some point later god changed his mind and thought, “Y’know, this ‘man’ thing is starting to piss me off. To hell with you. You want satisfaction? Fine. You have to be able to get women now! See how you like that!” (We all know that god hates women. Man and woman have sex, he gets an orgasm, she gets pregnant. Duh.) Now god, being omniscient, knew he was going to change his mind and knew he shouldn’t have made the butt sex so attractive, but since god is a bit of a prick himself and can never admit it when he’s wrong, he just let the whole thing slide all these years and pretended to be off golfing or snorkeling in Aruba or whatever it is god’s doing when he isn’t making little images of his kid on someone’s toast.
My friend eventually stopped going out with the guy with the giant pecker. I think he still drinks Coke though.