If you have a question for Dear DM, ask it in the comments below and he’ll answer in next week’s column!
@Alan: Dear DM, what witty / entertaining question should I ask on a blog where the webmaster / webcomic artist answers questions based on D&D / Roleplaying / Life in general?
So glad you asked! You can never really be rid of your herpes, but there are several medications you can use to make flareups less frequent, and less debilitating. As always, you should advise possible sexual partners in advance that you are infected with a dangerous, painful, and highly contagious crotch rot.
@Thelma: Dear DM, I like Dungeons & Dragons, but my favorite game is Toon. I like it better because D&D is too violent. What is your favorite game?
If your Toon game is less violent than your D&D game, you’re doing something very, very wrong. That said, I’d have to say that my personal favorite game is… is… is… hunh. I’m not sure I can answer that. The game I play the most often is an iPhone game called Strategery that I play while I’m pooping… but favorite? I used to really love Battlefleet Gothic, but no one plays that anymore… and Pull My Finger isn’t properly a game at all… clearly I love Dungeons & Dragons, but is it my favorite? Heroclix was pretty awesome. Scrabble rocks unless Lloyd is playing. (Same with Trivial Pursuit and that LotR trivia thing we played that one time… stupid Lloyd.) Oh wait! I really like World of Warcraft. I can play that one alone or with friends. I still don’t know if it’s my favorite though. Oh! I know what it is. My favorite game is Mr. Telephone Repairman. It’s a game Lena came up with for her birthday. Um… I probably shouldn’t say anything more than that.
@ Fanseepantz: I just bought a dog. I know you like dogs and was wondering if you had any advice.
Well, it’s against my nature to give advice, but I’ll try.
First, you need to express your dominance. Now many trainers will tell you that the best way to do this is by frequently picking up your new dog, or asserting territory over the food bowl, or by blocking doorways with your body until you allow the dog through, and a variety of other methods that all take weeks to accomplish. The best and quickest way however, is to demonstrate to the dog your position in the pack. For instance, if you have a roommate, pee on them with the dog watching. (In fact it’s a good idea to pee on anyone entering the house for the first few days after you get your dog.) This will demonstrate to your dog that you are someone worthy of respect, as well as someone not to be fucked around with.
As far as other behaviors go, use your common sense. Is the dog chewing on your shoes? Electrify them. Is the dog leaving presents in the middle of the living room rug? Cork him until it’s convenient for you to let him outside. Barking at the postman? Call the Post Office and tell them that your dog only likes hot, asian postwomen. Then when the dog barks, you can run to the door in your bathrobe, which will just happen to fall open as you’re opening the door, and then the porno music starts… excuse me.
@Chuck: Dear DM, my DM never gives us any good treasure. I’m getting sick of it. What would you do about it?
DMs, like any exotic creature, require special handling and care. DMs are not native to the United States and can suffer when taken too long from their proper environments. If your party is not receiving sufficient treasure, you first ask yourself the following questions: Is my DM getting enough beer? Is my DM getting porn sufficient to his/her needs? Is my DM getting a proper diet of chicken wings, pizza, and Cheetos? Is my DM getting laid?
If the answer to any of these questions is no, immediate action on your part can change the equation for the better. Like all relationships, you get out of it what you put into it. Seeing to the needs of your DM can make your game more fun and rewarding for everyone!
As always, if you have a question for Dear DM, put it in the comments below,
or email Kevin with the CONTACT button at the top of the page.