If you have a question for Dear DM, put it into the comments below to get it answered next week!
@Christina: Dear DM, what would the Muppet Show have been like if all the muppets had been D&D characters (and non-human D&D races)?
While the player races of Dungeons & Dragons are physically identical to the Muppets, their behavior is not. Muppets tend to be comedically short-sighted and inanely violent, while D&D players are inanely short-sighted and comedically violent. Muppets also tend to hew closer to porcine martial arts and conventional TNT than monastic martial arts and arcane fireballs. These drastic differences lead me to believe that a Muppet Show comprised of D&D characters would be almost unwatchable… more like a Better off Ted or According to Jim if those shows were comedies.
@Alan: Dear DM, what do you do when you get confused between the edible monsters and the non-edible monsters that you have in your gaming sessions, and accidently eat one of the lead based minatures?
As everyone knows, Dungeons & Dragons players are voracious consumers of junk food, and that includes your typical subterranean monster. Unfortunately, when these monsters were first introduced to the public they were typically made of lead, which at the time was generally considered a healthful snack, like meat mousses, barbiturates, and cow’s milk. While most DMs have weeded the lead monsters out of their adventures, occasionally one will slip through. In these events, it is important to keep this picture of Amy Winehouse around as an emetic.
@Kern: Dear DM, what would you have done with all those spare hours if you had never discovered D&D?
I would have joined the football team in junior high, played in high school, had a girlfriend in high school, blown out both my knees in my senior year, married my high school sweetheart and had 2 kids, then become an alcoholic, gotten divorced, been a deadbeat dad, and grown old lonely, embittered, and miserable selling faux-wood paneling for a company that thinks “vacation” is for what you call it when you fire a guy because his liver finally gave out after 30 years of drinking cheap vodka for breakfast, and died in a cardboard box beside the freeway from eating a parasite in the roadkill I had to pry off the road with a stolen screwdriver.
Something like that.
@Christina: (A twofer!) Dear DM, what was your favorite Famous Last Words line or scene, that you personally witnessed?
We were going to play the Dungeonland/The Land Beyond the Magic Mirror modules… based of Lewis Carrol’s Wonderland books. One of our players, who ran a monk, had decided to cheat a bit and read the source material before we played. Once we had started the game, the party was walking down a path through the woods and spied a large grin smiling down at us from a tree branch. Our sneaky monk, knowing the Cheshire Cat to be a relatively inoffensive creature, leapt into the tree, stuck out his hand, and said, “Hi there! How ya doin'”?
It bit off his arm at the elbow.
The monk screamed and plummeted from the tree, bereft one good right hand and a full complement of hit points. (His Ring of Regeneration now inside the cat.) As the rest of the party battled the beast and he bled to -10, I leaned over and said, “You read ahead and thought you knew what was coming, which you shouldn’t have done. But this just goes to show you, forewarned isn’t always forearmed.”