608 – Chorka • 17

The Wednesday Video

Apparently the studios are relenting and allowing Sam Raimi to have his way with Spiderman IV: The Movie That Should Never Have Been Made. Maybe he’s looking for a little redemption… although… I have to be honest and say that I did not hate III as much as everyone else in the world seemed to. All of the movies have seemed to follow the comics that I remember pretty well, in tone and action if not in play by play story. Of course, I am very easily entertained.

Even I, however, was not immune to the movie’s many flaws and logical shortcomings. So for all of us who still care enough to queue up to see John Malkovich play the Vulture, here is Spiderman III, the way it should have been.


Update: Apparently as I was writing the above Sam Raimi and Tobey McGuire were waving farewell to Spiderman forever. From the sound of it, Sony said if the only pic they could get outta Raimi was one with the Vulture in it, they were just gonna take their movie franchise and go home. The plan now is to reboot Spidey, (again) taking him back to high school (again) where he will deal “with both contemporary human problems and amazing super-human crises… again.”

In related news the Spiderman broadway musical (cringe) has had it’s release date pushed back a second time, forcing the production to refund everyone’s special preview performance tickets. Again.

27 Responses to 608 – Chorka • 17

  1. Batman: “I was afraid something like this would happen. Have you seen this?”
    Superman’s facepalm was hilarious. :mrgreen:

      • At least he still had a face to complain with. Talk about whining. 😈
        And I see the makers of this video had the same complaint like I did about the origin of the Sandman. Secret military mad science experiment (what was it even supposed to do originally?)… and you hold it in a sandbox open to the sky? Without even a camera to check if anything alive fell in? What? Lamest experiment-gone-wrong origin story ever.

        I mean, a wolfspider hunting for sand fleas could’ve fallen in, and then those morons, sorry, “scientists” would have had a giant, crazed spider-shaped sand elemental on their hands. On second thought, that would’ve been funny.

        Really, of all the Spiderman opponents in the three movies so far, I liked Dr. Octopus best. Played by great actor, handsome man, charismatic, smart, intellectual, loving husband, sarcastic villain, with four extra kickass cybernetic arms. What’s not to love?

        Too bad the fusion subplot made anyone with even a passing knowledge of physics cry out in mental pain. Especially the ending: “dousing” an artificial microsun in a river as if it is a candle flame? Umm…. river water that contains hydrogen, right? Fusion… hydrogen… does that ring a bell? Not to mention the magical magnetic field. Right, right. Mad Science.

        • clarkes law; “any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic”. Unfortunately that does not save movie moguls from being stupid, as per the fusion subplot. I’m sure someone there had a whiff of scientific knowledge, and could figure out a way to stop the fusion, but it probably wasn’t as spectacularily thrilling visually speaking as that “dousing”. But then, if you compare how big producers view science, as opposed to how it really is: http://www.xkcd.com/683/

        • Christina, you are totally right about Dr. Octopus being the best villain so far. I didn’t really hate Spiderman 3 but am of the opinion that the only way they could have made a worse movie would have been hiring Uwe Bool to make it. Seriously, bad guy goes good, bad guy took a wrong direction in life, and what the hell were they thinking sharing the Venom’s spotlight with the other villain’s? 👿 In my opinion, there are only two others who could qualify as Spiderman’s arch nemisis and they are Doc Oc and Kraven the Hunter. Spiderman 3 should have been all about Venom. Let’s hope that if they do bring in Kraven, he won’t be part of the sinister six. And yeah, dousing an artificial micro sun in a river didn’t seem like a good idea to me either, but that’s Hollywood.

          • Venom in Spiderman III was visually cool, I grant them that. The black slime effects were truly icky. Of course, as a biologist I couldn’t help noticing that the way the black slime moves resembles the way certain slime mo(u)lds aggregate and move, speeded up. (Google it, if you want.)

            Of course, so far mycologists have reported no sentient myxomycetes violently attacking and eating people. 😉 Unless each and every mycologist who stumbled across a man-eating slime mold in some out-of-the-way forest was promptly eaten, so we’d never get to hear about it. Sneaky things, those myxomycetes. :mrgreen:

            But I guess you don’t want to hear me rave enthusiastically about the wonderful and colorful world of slime molds for the next five pages, right? Pity.
            http://www.flickr.com/groups/slime/pool/ (Lots of pretty pictures of myxomycetes)

    • “Sony official statement: Columbia Pictures and Marvel Studios announced today they are moving forward with a film based on a script by James Vanderbilt that focuses on a teenager dealing with both contemporary human problems and amazing super-human crises.”

      So, exactly like 5 million other movies and series about teenagers dealing with magic/werewolves/superpowers as metaphor for daily life teenager problems? Bleh, the official statement sounds like it was written by a committee.

      That’s so ridiculous. So each time Hollywood producers run out of ideas they’ll just keep remaking the same story over and over with different actors, hoping no-one will notice? 🙄 Wait, what am I saying…. of course they do.

      What’s next, another Superman reboot? 😡 A Terminator reboot? I mean, some idiot wants to do a remake of Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Why, God, why?

      Maybe the new high-school Spidey can go to Sunnydale High and meet the latest incarnation of Buffy and they can fall in love and fight cyber-vampires and… arg, make it stop!

      At least the new Star Trek took the story and characters in a new direction while staying true to the concept and the main character’s motivations.

  2. I’ve only ever seen Spiderman 1. Maguires bad acting was offputting enough to keep me clear of the whole franchise

      • I gotta agree, the whole naive display was right up Spidey’s alley. At least the early-on Spiderman comics.
        The one I did not care for much was Spider-Man 3.

      • I felt Tobey Maguire as Spiderman worked. What bothered me much more was how the script writers of the second movie rammed home the point that apparently Fate has decided that Spiderman must always be miserable and poor, barely scraping by on low-wage jobs, to the point of starvation and his aunt losing her house and living on the street. It’s not like Peter Parker tried to get rich off of people needing help, or sold his powers only to the upper class. Remember when you oculd be a masked superhero by night and have a normal life by day and NOT live in a box in an alley eating from garbage cans?

        Funny how all the other superheroes, like Batman or Professor X always seem to be excessively rich by default? Or at least they seem to make enough money from a standard journalist desk job that leaves them ample time to run around and save people falling of high buildings or volcanoes blowing up, and still be able to afford a spacious apartment in downtown Metropolis? (Clark Kent, I’m looking at you!)

        In Spiderman 2, the scriptwriters were just mean and evil. Whenever Peter tried to actually do something normal, like hold down a job to be able to afford food and help out his aunt, or go to college to become an engineer and not let his talents and intellect go to waste on a wage-slave job, whenever he dared to actually have things go right for him, he was brutally punished in the most anvillious ways possible. I don’t know and don’t care if it’s based on the comics, if there’s some rule that says Peter Parker must always be poor and miserable. It sucks. 👿

        Don’t tell me Professor X never used his telepathic powers to amass that fortune so he could build the X Mansion and afford all those military-grade tech-toys. The money probably just fell from the sky, right?

        It was the same with Buffy, the season after Buffy came back from being dead for 6 months and was told she was broke, her mother’s house was mortgaged to the hilt, she couldn’t get a well-paying job or a bank credit, she had fallen out of college (what with being dead), and her useless friends who had moved into her house during Buffy’s “absense” had apparently not even bothered to pay the bills. The Council of Watchers didn’t pay their Slayers for risking their lives and saving the world. And for some demented reason (script writers script writers) Buffy thought that it’s somehow immoral taking a paycheck for saving people. Honey, no-one is saying you should only save rich people from vampires and demons. But you could work for the community. Like a policeman? Or a firefighter? Firefighters get monthly paychecks, too, even if there’s no fire at all! (Because, as Terry Pratchett so succinctly put it, it’s not a smart idea to pay firefighters by the number of fires they put out….) In Sunnydale, of course, “The Community” consisted of people who like to pretend that all those vampires and demons and weird curses were nothing but mass-hallucinations.

        • Unfortunately, Christina, the whole “Peter Parker has to be miserable” is from the comics – at least from 20 years ago when I still read them. I remember that there was always something going on to prevent him from being happy – even his marriage to MJ didn’t last.

          • Yeah, Peter was NEVER allowed to be happy for long… which actually brings me back around to Joss’ #1 rule for Buffy the Vampire Slayer. “Buffy happy, show bad. Buffy sad, show good!”

          • I can’t speak about Buffy, but in the case of Spider-Man, I think it’s what made him so popular. Unlike Clark Kent and Bruce Wayne, Peter Parker is a regular Joe with regular Joe problems that he’s trying to juggle in addition to his crime-fighting. People can relate to trying to hold down a dead-end job and not being able to afford your rent, therefore they identify with Pete more than they might other heroes.

          • The uncool part of Peter Parker? All that whining about how his life sucks. Granted, the writers were always sadistically messing with him but still. The cool part of Peter Parker? Driving his adversaries nuts with wisecracks. I think the cast of the movies did a fair job with their respective characters especially Willem DaFoe as the Goblin. He nailed the “We’ll meet again, Spiderman.” I didn’t mind the Sandman as a villain but he was too emo for me. What gets me is that they hit all the main points of Venoms character while totally missing the point with Eddie. I’ve followed Venom since he first appeared and if it wasn’t for his name and costume, I wouldn’t have guessed that it was Eddie. While I can’t put my finger on it, something was off with that portrayal.

          • “Joss’ #1 rule for Buffy the Vampire Slayer. “Buffy happy, show bad. Buffy sad, show good!””

            The last two seasons of Buffy are proof that even Joss Whedon can be wrong.
            Fans hated the chronically depressed Buffy plotline and what it did to the character. 😡

            Unending missery does NOT make for good drama. Unfortunately, too many hack writers in the 1990s thought that they only had to add a helping of “dark and edgy” to their story and blam, instant good writing. Which is bullcrap.

            Every essay about writing ficiton (and even fanfiction writing websites) will tell you that if you, the writer, decide to make a character suffer, it should be for a reason and not be an end in and of itself. And there should be an end to the suffering, a way to improve and overcome the problems. Deliverance, redemption and hope. Otherwise you’ve trapped the character in a static situation.

            Or you’ve broken the character so much that you cannot put him back together. Joss is very good in breaking characters dramatically and taking them down dark paths, but often beyond hope of saving. Then the only path left for the character is suicide. Which is, let’s be frank, what Wesley committed at the end of Angel when he entered into a wizard duel with that ancient sorcerer without proper back-up or plan.

            “People can relate to trying to hold down a dead-end job and not being able to afford your rent, therefore they identify with Pete more than they might other heroes.”

            Oh so that’s why American people never watch all those shows about rich and famous people and dream about making it big themselves by becoming a star…. Oh wait, they do!

            Why is Clark Kent (who is way more “uncool” than Peter Parker) never tormented this way then, while Peter is? I don’t buy the “regular Joe” explanation. (Otherwise, why is Wolverine so popular?) The point is, Peter is not in a dead-end job and dead-end life situation because he is untalented, stupid or lazy. There’s acually no reason for it, except of course that the WRITERS control the universe and make everything go wrong for Peter on purpose.

  3. I never liked super heroes. Any real human being who suddenly found themself imbued with super powers would take said super powers and use them to further their own lot in life. I would, you would, we all would. And we know it. I assume that’s what people like about Clark Kent and Petey Parker though. They have powers and what do they do? They go off and try to save the world. Fuck the world I says. I’m gonna use my new lightning powers to become a celebrity and make millions! And sure, if someone finds themself in trouble, and I happen to be there, I’ll zap the baddy with lightning. But then if I was there and had a gun… You get the point. Which is why I like the Punisher. Because he’s usually there, with a gun… You get the point.