Splitting the Cheechakos from the Sourdoughs, One Balaclava at a Time.
Thank the Unicorn for Mindlab International. Bravely they explore the frontiers of science-ish discovery and scientific-looking polls to bring us the information we absolutely could not live without. Namely, an enormous risk that has risen it’s ghastly head to menace our cousins across the pond… the dreaded tea biscuit.
That’s right y’all. British newspaper The Telegraph reports that according to a Mindlab survey, over 25 million adult Britons have injured themselves… with cookies. Now lest I arouse any British ire with this bit, I feel I should in all fairness point out that I recently made an emergency trip to the dentist after a Burger King fish sandwich, so you aren’t really alone. Of course, I’d never give a fish sandwich to a baby.
Injuries range from the expected, (dunking in scalding tea) to the unusual, (poking themselves in the eye) to the kinda bizzare. (Getting stuck in concrete because of a cookie.) Five hundred of the reported injuries resulted in hospital visits.
The number one offender among cookies, with 1.41 million casualties to it’s name, was the Custard Cream. (Oreos, Hydrox, Nutter Butters and the like all fit into this category.) The least dangerous cookie was the Jaffa Cake, which is a chocolate covered sponge cake with an orange jelly filling. (Though according to a ruling from the Court of England jaffa cakes are properly cakes and not biscuits at all.) The cookie-sized sponge cakes were responsible for laying only 290,000 Britons low.
I have decided, upon gathering this information, to begin sending one package of Oreos a week to Brit Hume, news anchor for the Fair and Balanced Fox News. Brit (The name was an unintentional coincidence, I swear. Long live the Queen!) recently stated that if Tiger Woods wanted to end his troubles and redeem himself in the eyes of Amurica he should renounce Buddhism and become a Christian. I swear to Pasta that sometimes I feel like I’m living in the looking glass, and any minute the Queen of Hearts is going to slip up behind me and cut off my head because I didn’t ask for “freedom fries” at the drive-through.
The more cookies Brit eats (or stabs himself in the face with… whatever) the better chance I will have of losing some weight. I have been putting off making a serious effort for a long time, but I’m finally out of excuses. Over the weekend I bought a new scale, and I’m finally changing my eating habits to go along with riding the elliptical every morning. It’s too early to tell if the effort will stick, but I am very hopeful. If I fail, there is no one to blame but myself.
After all, cookies just aren’t worth the risk.