604 – Chorka • 13

Dear DM

Okay. So, here is the deal. Kevin’s wrists are bothering him and I forbade him to be on the computer this weekend at all — cause that’s what kind of power I have on Birthday Month. Boo-yah. So, now he’s all sullen and whiney about not being able to get on the computer. When he didn’t get up at a timely hour this a.m. I went to check on him. He said “What’s the point?” — referring to having no computer access. Geez. I told him he could turn on his ipod.

Anyway, because I am so awesome (and kinda responsible) I told him I would answer his “Dear DM” questions for Monday.

Dear DM…

What is Chorka ?

Chris

Answer from the comments via Kevin last week: “Chorka is the name of the “snow polar bear” that Bunker and Freya went off into the woods looking for. You will get a much more satisfactory answer to this question next monday.”

Answer from Lena. No. You won’t.

Dear DM…

What is Chorka ?

Chris

Dear Chris,

I felt guilty for not answering you in more depth. Chorka is the name of the “snow polar bear” that Bunker and Freya went off into the woods looking for.

Dear Dm,

What was the best (Non-touching-in-special-place) present you had this year?

Yours concerned,

Alan.

Dear Alan,

It was the Ultimate Avengers Blu-Ray that I bought him. This is not to be confused with the inferior “Director’s Cut” Avengers. I know it’s inferior because there was a lot (A LOT) of not so subtle hinting going on before Christmas. I found out that “Ultimate” is at least 8 hours longer than the substandard other versions. Other than that I couldn’t really tell much difference between that and the version we saw in the theatre. Actually, that’s not true. There is this scene about 5.5 hours in where the slutty chick’s daughter is in her civilian clothes walking across some city someplace doing something and you can really tell how cute her shoes are.

[EDIT] Kevin says the movie was Watchman, NOT Avengers. But, whatever. They are so close.

Dear DM,

What was your worst (touching-in-a-special-place) present you had during the previous decade?

TSED

Dear TSED,

This question would have been a lot easier if you has asked for “best” instead of worse. And even easier if it had anything to do with D&D. Unless this is about a D&D present. In which case it’s probably some crappy unpainted miniatures or lop sided dice or some gaming books. I mean, who would want any of that crap, right?

Kevin has admitted to me that 10 years ago upon opening his Christmas presents he thought “Do you even KNOW me?” Apparently I sucked that year. Although, he can’t recall what any of the presents were. Maybe they were cleaning products and toilet brushes. A girl can dream, right?

Dear DM,

It appears my players enjoy being railroaded along the story (which is ludicrous, ridiculous, and a little silly), and not really the whole ‘playing’ part. Is there any system that might help make the games more enjoyable to them as compared to D&D ? Proof reading and poetry nights are not valid answers.

TSED

Dear TSED,

All RPG systems suck equally. One isn’t any better than another. They all have complex systems that were obviously devised by boys. There’s all these sheets and complicated dice structures. None of the character sheets are pretty or scented. And, you have to do all your “shopping” when you aren’t playing. WTF? They are actually devised to make you THINK about the game when you aren’t sitting at the gaming table.

So, now that you understand that the game isn’t the problem you can focus on what REALLY IS the problem. It’s either you or the players or some combination of both. If it’s one or more of the players you can just kill them off for not paying attention to the story. “Gosh Jim, if you’d taken your time to bother listening to the storyline, you could have figured out how to step around that land mine. Sorry dude. Don’t let the door hit you in the ass on the way out. OR you can roll up a mushroom or some other kind of fungus for your next character.”

What you REALLY want here is for the problem to be you. If you are the problem, you can fix it. Listen to the players. What parts of the game do they enjoy? Did they particularly perk up when you ran them through the land of the big-tittied-nymphos? Maybe you need more boobies. You could put maps and clues on the boobies. Yeah. Do that. Put all the clues and story arcs on boobies.

Wait. Do you have female players? Put the clues on penises or shoes. Or chocolate. Oooo! Or fairies. Make all the answers come to them in the night via little fairies – with tiny little shoes and miniature cupcakes. OMG. So cute! And make sure the cupcakes are magic. And have something even cuter inside of them like even tinier shoes!

You’re welcome.

Dear DM…

What is Chorka ?

Chris

Dear Chris,

Okay, I don’t really know what Chorka is. I had to google it. I assumed it was some obscure ancient god from the 14 1/2 level of hell — because that’s the way Kevin rolls. But instead I found out after a thorough google search that is it some kind of nolid moth that shits in the woods — except it should be spelled “chora”. So, probably Kevin spelled it wrong. Or he was trying to combine Orka (the man eating shark whale) with “Chora” the moth that shits in the woods and came up with a bear from the same cold waters that Orka comes from.

Dear DM,

I hate this campaign.

Lena

Dear Lena,

I know, right?

22 Responses to 604 – Chorka • 13

  1. Dear DM…

    What is Chorka?

    Cheers,

    Alan.

    Heh.

    Seriously though,

    Dear Dm,

    When describing a new area / room / person, what kind of details do you include to set the scene?

    (See previous questions regarding players getting caught up on minor unimportant details)

    Yours concerned,

    Alan.

  2. Dear DM,

    How much time and effort to you put into making maps or npc stats for your games? I’ve gone the route of drawing up a detailed map of the town the players would be spending the majority of their time in, as well as the surrounding countryside and a detailed list of all major people living in the town and their backgrounds. But then I’ve also just winged it and made it all up as I went along. Which do you prefer, and how much time on average is good to spend setting up the, well, the setting for your players?

    • I find that depending on the style of game, making maps can almost write the adventure for you.

      This works especially well for Dungeon bashes, because the dungeon is the star of the show. I also find that it works for large townscapes, because when I have drawn the layout, I find that there are gaps in the locations, so I can think, Hmm, I think I will put something here, which often triggers and idea for an NPC of some description.

      However, I have also come accross another GM, who I regard as being one of the best GMs I have gamed with who doesn’t use maps at all.

      All he has is a general idea of what is in a building / dungeon / town, some location notes to write a map for a major encounter, and the rest is just a general idea that if you want to go somewhere, you go there. You don’t have to trace routes much.

      This guy doesn’t use dungeon bashes that much, and tends to be more flowing in the way that he runs adventures.

  3. Lena …
    You know, right? that an “Orca” is a tooth-whale, and not a shark?
    It mostly feeds on seals …
    But good luck keeping the mood high… seems like you need it! 🙂

  4. I’m disappointed in my answers because in BOTH cases there was a negative either removed or added in a suspiciously convenient place.

    I was asking about players who LIKED being railroaded through the trogdor-infested woods of elysium whilst they attempted to stop forest fires! Who LIKED the sport of monologue-judging when their arch-nemesises all joined forces and took turns explaining in excruciating detail why they had it in for their respective opposite.

    I’m totally stealing penis shoe fairies, though. Thanks, Lena! Shoe penis fairies? Fairy penis shoes? Fairy shoe penis? That last one sounds like some sort of mushroom…

    Thanks for trying, though! It was, as the internet would say, ‘lulzy.’ (I’m just assuming you were intentionally doing that to the present question because it’s not for the internet to know.)