601 – Chorka • 10

Dear DM,

@Jamescrappedcorn: Dear DM, blah blah blah blah, everything’s about me, blah blah blah.

Dear Jamescrappedcorn,

My day? Glad you asked!

Okay, to begin with, Lena has been nursing her hands all weekend long because she is a designer and works on the computer all day and gets the Carpal Tunnel Syndrome so she can’t do shit and I am like the only person in the whole house with WORKING HANDS, so like, that totally sucks for ME. Just try and ask my dog to open a bag of salad greens. Unbelievable.

So this is how the weekend STARTS when I go to the movies with our good friends Floyd and Carot. (Names cleverly changed to protect the innocent-ish.) Floyd is a guy who went to see the Watchmen and came out of it with, “There was a lot of blue penis.” We picked Sherlock Holmes because none of us had seen it yet and who DOESN’T want to see Iron Man kick the crap out of a bunch of evil British cultists? It was okay, though I kind of lost the tread a bit during that part between the beginning and the end when I fell asleep. $10.00 is a lot to pay for a really loud 90 minute nap.

Our friends wanted to go see Avatar after but Lena and I had already seen it (and it ROCKED!) so we headed home. The next day Floyd calls me to say, “There were a lot of blue boobies”. I think if I had made a movie for three hundred million dollars and the take-home was “blue boobies” I’d be pretty okay with it. Teenaged boys may not show up for peacenik environmental awareness stories but they’ll be wrapped around the theater for little blue cat-monkey space boobies. If I made a movie for three hundred million dollars the first thing I’d want is my freaking money back from it. After that I’d worry if anyone paid attention to what it was about.

The next day I got on my OTHER computer to upgrade the OS. (My OTHER computer is a Windows laptop.) I bought it when everyone was so sorry about having to sell a computer loaded with Vista that they were offering free upgrades months later when Windows 7 came out. I finally decided to do something about it and get all upgraded-like, so I went to the manufacturer’s website (I can’t say who it is but it’s Asus) and filled out the form for the upgrade. After I’ve filled in the WHOLE THING the form errors out and I get a message showing me a small page of code that says their server fucked something up and WOULD I TAKE A LOOK AT THIS CODE AND SEE IF I COULD FIGURE OUT WHAT THE FUCK IT IS. It’s kind of like if you paid a painter to pait your house but he’ll only do it if you paint his first. Of course that example is actually a lot more satisfying because in that instance you’ve got someone in front of you to PUNCH IN THE FUCKING FACE, instead of just an error message. I bet error messages are the real reason Muhammad Ali talks that way.

That night my brother and sister came over for Christmas dinner (which the guy with the HANDS made) and after we ate we decided to watch a Christmas movie non of us had seen. We picked Miracle on 34th Street. (The ’70s version.) This movie is an AMERICAN HOLIDAY CLASSIC, which in my view is a statement of deeply held shame. This is a train wreck of a movie. The “plot” revolves around a crazy man who calls himself “Chris Cringle” and claims to be Santa Claus. The miracle is that the judge and the State’s Attorney are so gormless that they fail to lock him up. The catastrophe is that the producers of this film did the same with the movie itself. Bad movie. Bad, BAD movie.

Finally I get back to my REAL computer (iMac) and the god damned external hard drive is out. Now this is the drive where HOLE lives, and apparently it had started crapping out a loooong time ago, because a loooong time ago is when the AUTOMATIC BACK-UPS STOPPED WORKING. Lena was full of no-hand helpful advice, like “I told you to check the back-ups,” and “I told you to burn that to disk,” and “This wouldn’t happen if you’d keep the kitchen clean”. (Which I think is BULLSHIT.) So now it’s two in the morning and I’m writing this blog because I’ve spent the last four days being someone else’s hands who doesn’t have the time to touch me in my special place, cooking Christmas dinners and losing brain cells to insipid holiday tripe, fighting to get a crappy operating system to replace my slightly crappier operating system, spending ENDLESS hours trying to fix a hard drive which not only doesn’t want to be fixed but is also apparently much smarter than I am about it, and the only time I can find to sleep is a $10.00 per hour and a half chair rental at the AMC theater.

I gotta go, the dog just chewed through a bag of salad greens and is shaking them out everywhere.

Please write YOUR questions for Dear DM below, which I will actually answer as soon as I get the stupid hard drive up and running again!

21 Responses to 601 – Chorka • 10

  1. Dear DM…

    As someone with HANDS… two of them exactly, I think you should be more sensitive to those with fully functioning appendages, it takes a lot this day and age to keep them like that. Didn’t you hear about the babies getting their fingers sliced off by strollers?

    but onto my question…

    What is Chorka ?

    • Chorka is the name of the “snow polar bear” that Bunker and Freya went off into the woods looking for.

      (Edit) You will get a much more satisfactory answer to this question next monday.

  2. Saw avatar too.
    Twas very beautiful, sure, but other than this? Cliched, previsible, without nuances… I mean, on the one side, you’ve got cupid and militaristic morons which are clearly antipathic, and on the other side all those cool, beautiful, nature loving blue indians (Plus the very new-age-commercial “energy flow”). On a related theme (Fraternizing and becoming an alien species), a movie like District 9 is a million times better.
    Hell, even Solomon Kane has more interesting philosophical questions in it 😆

    This is NOT to say the movie is bad. I quite enjoyed it, and didn’t see time pass. But, save from the CGI, it is just a good movie IMO, far to be the masterpiece everyone is talking about, and I am angry to see all those people flock to the theaters to see it because it’s hype, while they’ll refuse to see any over sf flick any other time of the year.

    • nothing new under the sun man don’t bash for cliche (you meant to say unoriginal)

      I haven’t seen it yet. Id like to but the girl im trying to take to see it is being really hard to get, fkin hate California snobs

      • Avatar is a smallish, but well told story in a giant super-amazing package. Like you Vincent, I was entranced by what I was looking at, and like you, I didn’t encounter any real surprises along the way. Unlike you, it does not make me angry when other people go to see it. I’m not sure I can perceive a downside to that for me to get angry over. If folks who were previously unwilling to go see an SF flick go to this one and enjoy it, doesn’t that make it more likely that Hollywood will make more of them?

        The thing that I did notice the most about the story itself was how reminiscent it was of the old school SF stories of my youth. It seemed taken directly from the dozens and dozens of novels I burned through from elementary to high school. I loved that within this hyperreal, 3D, CGI world, the movie managed to make me feel nostalgic.

        …and by “hard to get” you mean she doesn’t want to go see the movie? Don’t worry Stephen, I’m certain you have other friends that’ll be willing to go see Avatar with you. Ask around.

  3. BTW, because one of you asked Lena, I just wanted to let you all know that I am fine. The post above was meant only to be funny, not to reflect my actual state of mind. It even looks like (fingers crossed!) I have fixed the hard drive. Thank you guys for your concern. 🙂

    • As it turns out the drive was fine, it was the enclosure that was screwed. Once that was replaced, everything started working fine. (Copies have been made, and backups are on schedule.)

  4. Despite everyone telling me it looks amazing, is a great story, yada yada… I have no desire at all to see Avatar. Never did. I may watch it one day on DVD (or god willing Blue Ray, which we still don’t have but one day. One day….) but until then I think I’ll just pass. I was never really one to get taken by looks alone, and the story just doesn’t interest me. Someone up there mentioned Solomon Kane, and I just watched that trailer yesterday. Looks okay, nothing like the actual Howard writings, but I’ll watch it. Otherwise I kinda want to go see Sherlock Holmes, but my wife is on the fence about that one so we’ll see. Oh, and as for your rant Kevin: Bitch bitch bitch. Yeesh. Lol, just kidding. I can’t believe you watched Miracle on 34th street though. You want xmas goodness? Go with either Gremlins or Die Hard. Classic xmas movies.

    • Looks amazing? yup. Great story? Let me laugh.
      Yup, Solomon is fun, I enjoyed it. The debut is the best part of the movie (with the very beginning making me scream “black company!”), IMO, with the end being kinda rushed and, sadly, anti-climatic, but I think this comes more from time constraints than anything else.

      Kevin: Yup, they may make more sf shows. But since the thoughtful ones (then again, district 9) don’t sell very well, I fear we’ll end up with a lot of washed-up, consensual stories (avatar) or star wars clones (star trek). And folks make me angry by being sheeps 😉 I have the same beef against budhism, for the same reasons: people flok to it because it’s cool and hype (You’ll notice the whole “everything is one” and kinda life cycle in avatar. Bo-ring)

      • @ Tim, I don’t know who you’re talking to, but no one I know has said that Avatar was a “great” story. What it is is a very immersive film that sucks you in deeply, so that it feels more like an “experience” than a mere viewing. The predictable story actually aids it in this regard, since it gives you a level of comfort with what you are watching and you never pop out of the story to say what the hell was that? If you don’t want to watch it that’s totally your choice and you shouldn’t do it, but I also haven’t talked to anyone who didn’t enjoy it.

        Lena and I watched It’s a Wonderful Life for the first time several days later, which was like like a thousand times better. Gremlins and Die Hard are both good Christmas fare too tho.

        Please be aware that it was all fake-o bitching. I figured that complaining about the dog not opening the salad greens in the opening paragraph would be a tip-off. (I know you were kidding Tim, but I’m still getting this from others.) IT WAS ONLY MEANT TO BE FUNNY. Okay? Okay.

        D9, BTW, has already been a much better and more profitable investment for the studios than Avatar ever, ever will be. That movie was made on a shoestring and returned manymanymany times it’s cost. Avatar will not bring in 200% of it’s price. It’s still going to make money, but studios would rather make a thousand D9s than one Avatar. The blue cat-monkeys came to life on the strength of James Cameron’s swinging dick alone. D10 is already being made.

        Picking one of these movies against the other is a false choice. They are both solid SF flicks that brought mainstream butts to cinema seats. That, and that alone advances the cause of more SF in the theater. Sucky movies lose money and shy producers away from making more. Good movies… for whatever reason they are “good,” make money and spawn more like them.

  5. Dear Dm,

    What was the best (Non-touching-in-special-place) present you had this year?

    Yours concerned,


  6. Dear DM,

    What was your worst (touching-in-a-special-place) present you had during the previous decade?

    Dear DM,

    It appears my players enjoy being railroaded along the story (which is ludicrous, ridiculous, and a little silly), and not really the whole ‘playing’ part. Is there any system that might help make the games more enjoyable to them as compared to D&D ? Proof reading and poetry nights are not valid answers.

  7. I’m catching up on Webcomics that I couldn’t read at work because I was on vacation and skipped commenting on a couple of previous blog posts because timing just didn’t see right, but…..

    You know, with two working hands, you can touch yourself in that special place…..it feels almost as good and comes to the same conclusion. Besides, if you do it in the bed with Lena right there, it might make her want to touch (or have you touch) her special place…..at least that’s how it works with my wife. Of course when it isn’t that 1% of the time, it’s the other 99% of the time when she just rolls her eyes and rolls over…..but YMMV.