@Jamescrappedcorn: Dear DM, blah blah blah blah, everything’s about me, blah blah blah.
My day? Glad you asked!
Okay, to begin with, Lena has been nursing her hands all weekend long because she is a designer and works on the computer all day and gets the Carpal Tunnel Syndrome so she can’t do shit and I am like the only person in the whole house with WORKING HANDS, so like, that totally sucks for ME. Just try and ask my dog to open a bag of salad greens. Unbelievable.
So this is how the weekend STARTS when I go to the movies with our good friends Floyd and Carot. (Names cleverly changed to protect the innocent-ish.) Floyd is a guy who went to see the Watchmen and came out of it with, “There was a lot of blue penis.” We picked Sherlock Holmes because none of us had seen it yet and who DOESN’T want to see Iron Man kick the crap out of a bunch of evil British cultists? It was okay, though I kind of lost the tread a bit during that part between the beginning and the end when I fell asleep. $10.00 is a lot to pay for a really loud 90 minute nap.
Our friends wanted to go see Avatar after but Lena and I had already seen it (and it ROCKED!) so we headed home. The next day Floyd calls me to say, “There were a lot of blue boobies”. I think if I had made a movie for three hundred million dollars and the take-home was “blue boobies” I’d be pretty okay with it. Teenaged boys may not show up for peacenik environmental awareness stories but they’ll be wrapped around the theater for little blue cat-monkey space boobies. If I made a movie for three hundred million dollars the first thing I’d want is my freaking money back from it. After that I’d worry if anyone paid attention to what it was about.
The next day I got on my OTHER computer to upgrade the OS. (My OTHER computer is a Windows laptop.) I bought it when everyone was so sorry about having to sell a computer loaded with Vista that they were offering free upgrades months later when Windows 7 came out. I finally decided to do something about it and get all upgraded-like, so I went to the manufacturer’s website (I can’t say who it is but it’s Asus) and filled out the form for the upgrade. After I’ve filled in the WHOLE THING the form errors out and I get a message showing me a small page of code that says their server fucked something up and WOULD I TAKE A LOOK AT THIS CODE AND SEE IF I COULD FIGURE OUT WHAT THE FUCK IT IS. It’s kind of like if you paid a painter to pait your house but he’ll only do it if you paint his first. Of course that example is actually a lot more satisfying because in that instance you’ve got someone in front of you to PUNCH IN THE FUCKING FACE, instead of just an error message. I bet error messages are the real reason Muhammad Ali talks that way.
That night my brother and sister came over for Christmas dinner (which the guy with the HANDS made) and after we ate we decided to watch a Christmas movie non of us had seen. We picked Miracle on 34th Street. (The ’70s version.) This movie is an AMERICAN HOLIDAY CLASSIC, which in my view is a statement of deeply held shame. This is a train wreck of a movie. The “plot” revolves around a crazy man who calls himself “Chris Cringle” and claims to be Santa Claus. The miracle is that the judge and the State’s Attorney are so gormless that they fail to lock him up. The catastrophe is that the producers of this film did the same with the movie itself. Bad movie. Bad, BAD movie.
Finally I get back to my REAL computer (iMac) and the god damned external hard drive is out. Now this is the drive where HOLE lives, and apparently it had started crapping out a loooong time ago, because a loooong time ago is when the AUTOMATIC BACK-UPS STOPPED WORKING. Lena was full of no-hand helpful advice, like “I told you to check the back-ups,” and “I told you to burn that to disk,” and “This wouldn’t happen if you’d keep the kitchen clean”. (Which I think is BULLSHIT.) So now it’s two in the morning and I’m writing this blog because I’ve spent the last four days being someone else’s hands who doesn’t have the time to touch me in my special place, cooking Christmas dinners and losing brain cells to insipid holiday tripe, fighting to get a crappy operating system to replace my slightly crappier operating system, spending ENDLESS hours trying to fix a hard drive which not only doesn’t want to be fixed but is also apparently much smarter than I am about it, and the only time I can find to sleep is a $10.00 per hour and a half chair rental at the AMC theater.
I gotta go, the dog just chewed through a bag of salad greens and is shaking them out everywhere.
Please write YOUR questions for Dear DM below, which I will actually answer as soon as I get the stupid hard drive up and running again!