@Alan: Dear DM, As our group is chronically short of people willing to GM/DM, I am sometimes placed in the situation where I must do it. However, while I tend to write encounters which are fairly balanced, I have a tendency to actually try and kill of the players. Is this normal? If not, what do I do about it?
Okay, this totally normal. Now most DMs just kill the characters, but everyone WANTS to kill the players. EVERYONE.
True story… we were having this Villains and Vigilantes game over at our house and there was this guy who was always telling Lena not to cuss and how to play her character and she was SO over it. One night after everyone had gone home she says to me, “If that fucking dickhead tells me to watch my language in my own house one more time I’m going to fucking kill him!” So I’m all like, “That’s really sexy, Baby.” and she says ,”Eat shit, asshole, I’m still pissed.” but that’s not really part of the story.
Anyway, the next week sure enough this little turd tells Lena, “Watch your language.” and Lena gives me one of those ultra-cool mafioso moves where they flick their thumbnail off of their front teeth and it means “Cap this fucker”, so I said, “Hey dude, I’ve got something to show you in the back yard.” Then we went out in the back yard and I totally beat this guy in the head with a shovel.
Then I went back inside and everyone is all like, “Hey, where is that dude?” and I’m all like, “What do you mean? Didn’t everyone see Lena give me the Cap That Fucker signal? I beat him to death with a shovel.” And then suddenly Lena’s all like, “What the fuck do you mean? I WAS PICKING A CARAWAY SEED OUT OF MY TEETH! WHAT ARE WE GONNA DO WITH A DEAD GUY IN THE BACK YARD?” And I was all “What the fuck were you eating with caraway seeds in it? I don’t even know what what a caraway seed looks like! Who have you been fucking eating with?”
And then we realized that no one was telling us not to cuss anymore and we all had a good laugh and went back to the game.
@woohoo: Dear DM, Are Centaurs herbivores or omnivores? And a bit of a linked question… As they have arms but can’t reach their own backsides do they have complicated social rituals for who wipes?
Dear woohoo, First of all, centaurs only eat other centaurs, specifically MALE centaurs, so yeah, they are totally carnivores. And cannibals. CANNIVORES. I just made that word.
I don’t think anyone wipes the asses of the lady centaurs, they just poop on anyone foolish enough to be standing beneath their webs. Nobody knows this, but if you are standing beneath a centaur web and you’re smoking a clove cigarette, (one of the good imported kind) the centaur will toss you down a virgin Vietnamese girl to do do your housework and stuff. She has to stay a virgin or she will turn into a murderous rhinoceros made of cheap, flakey chocolate, but you can totally get handjobs and junk like that.
@TSED: Dear DM, Right, so, I have this band. Only my bassist’s being a dick and has disappeared. He did not show up for practice, we could not get ahold of him, blah blah blah. Since the band is actually very, very new, the drummer (keep in mind we’re currently a 3-man project) is talking about replacing him with this other bassist he knows. How do I punish the bassist for being an apresent dick without driving him away from the band completely?
You should totally invite him over for Wii or both Kill Bill movies or something else that’s pretty much awesome, and then while he’s mojoing that light saber or grooving on Uma you should be taking millions of pictures of him at every possible angle. Then, the next time you see him you can whip out your iPhone and play the movie you made out of the digital likeness of him where he’s jamming like Stevie Ray while getting head from (young and hot) Stevie Nicks and you say, “Well obviously we don’t need YOU anymore.” and then you CAP THAT FUCKER with a SHOVEL TO THE HEAD.
That’s what I’d do.
Remember to ask your questions for Dear DM to answer next and future weeks! See you then!