591 – Da Boss • 06


Yesterday (as I write this) was Black Friday, that day of Extreme Shopping where the gatherers of our tribe become hunters. Last year I made fun of people at WALMART who would trample store employees to death for a Tickle-Me-Elmo. This year, managers were more cautious about the crowds, instructing their workers to dodge when confronted with a tidal wave of bargain-addled customers. There were still a few incidents, but they were much less severe.

At a WALMART in Rancho Cucamonga the police were called when a couple of would-be laptop computer owners started fighting. I’m guessing they thought it would be a “to the victor go the spoils” situation, rather than a “the victor and his punching bag share a jail cell” one. In Upland California, at the local (surprise!) WALMART, the fighting was so intense that the manager threw everybody the hell out of the store and closed that bitch down… until a little later when higher-ups in the company told him to open that bitch back up again.

At some WALMART stores, crowds of thousands showed up to purchase doorbuster specials there were as few as 30 of. Sensing no potential for disaster, the store managers allowed the crowds to stand and wait, before finding out hours later that only the first few dozen in the door had found what everyone else had come for. (And before you go saying that these people should have known better, let me remind you again that these are folks who would wait hours to get into a WALMART.)

What does this have to do with anything? I’ll tell you. Shoppers this year were total weenies. Yes, this year I’m making fun of consumers for not murdering anyone while shopping for the birthday of Our Dear Lord Baby Jesus. (I’m fickle that way.) What are you people? Atheists? Do you really care about Our Dear Lord Baby Jesus’ birthday so little that you’d let any Tom, Dick, or Elmo claw past you to steal the joy of Christmas away? Is that the line you draw for god? “Sorry god, I love you enough to get out of bed at two in the morning and stand in line at Walmart, but you can send the souls of myself and my family straight to hell if you want me to murder a faithless, humanist, criminally sinful shopper for your glory. Let’s get real — I’d probably have to run.”

Okay, you’ve made your point. God isn’t worth the exercise. I understand. And for what it’s worth, I agree. That’s right folks. If you failed to murder anyone this past Black Friday (and it’s too late now!) then you are an atheist just like me.

Merry Christmas.

22 Responses to 591 – Da Boss • 06

    • Looking at the traffic stats, no one really does “Cyber Monday”. The busiest online shopping days continue to be in the first third of December. I couldn’t even tell you for sure if anyone I know is aware of it.

      (For those of you who haven’t heard of Cyber Monday, it’s a marketing gimmick designed to drive people to more online shopping on the Monday after Thanksgiving. However, the basic allure of online shopping is that you can do it whenever the hell you want to, so trying to wedge shoppers into a specific day has thus far been pretty fruitless.)

  1. ahh my favorite time of year has finally arrived i put my christmas lights up (yay) and they look good this year. but man im having a hard time trying to find power for all my lights so i couldnt put them all up. im going to get an electrician out here in feb. to install a whole new breaker box and new outlets just for my lights so next year ill be able to put them all up. i dont know if the icon chosen for me was random or not but it fits me to a tee thanks whoever planned that.

    heh spent two hours playing with her penis thats just too effing funny

  2. Thank goodness WALMART is around. Otherwise I suppose you’d be uncertain whether you ought to be picking on SEARS or BEST BUY (nothing like this ever happens there, right?) instead.

    • Other than all the violence reported at Walmart, I was able to find one scuffle at a Toys ‘R Us that got called into the police. However, my beef with Walmart really has little to do with people fighting in the aisles, and everything to do with their corporate philosophy.

      The guy on top is often the one who is committing the most offenses. My (current) target is the guy committing the most offenses. For what it’s worth, you are absolutely right. If some other company such as Sears or Best Buy were the worst, they would certainly be in my crosshairs instead.

  3. They should start calling it Red Friday, since everything at Walmart comes straight from Communist China. Way to go- lets fuck up the American economy just a little more by buying a bunch of cheap plastic shit from China and handing them all our money. We should be buying cheap plastic shit from America. At least we’d have some jobs out of it. Merry fucking Christmas comrades. What better way to show x-mas spirit than to trample some lowly American peasant.

    One odd point of sad irony- taco shells are made in America.

    • :mrgreen: The reason it’s called balck friday is that in business, being in the “black” is making profits, and being in the “red” is losing profits. I MOCK YOU for not knowing these things. 🙄

      • that’s the ironic part- it isn’t really us that’s making all the money. Sure the store CEO’s make whopping profits, paychecks, and bonuses, but every product stamped “Made in ______” (not USA) is money that leaves our economy. Talk to any employee (off the clock- or they get fired!) and you’ll hear a story of a paycheck to paycheck existance, which limits them to buying cheap imports for christmas. Total catch 22. I mock at your mocking. Nyaaaaaaa

        • Added to that is the fact that many (if not most) of the products that DO say “Made in U.S.A.” are actually only assembled here out of parts manufactured in other, sweatshop countries. The people in charge of the decision-making in these countries are typically so corrupt that they are willing to allow the manufacturing to be done at a net loss to the nation’s overall economy as long as they get their pockets stuffed. This allows companies like Walmart (who are directly responsible for setting the system into place) to ruin other nations’ economies at the same time they poison ours! Yay!

          • Curiously enough many of the middle and lower tiers of “sweatshops” are also subsistance (or sub-subsistance) paychecks. Which is why they can afford sweatshop prices. Their incomes are increased by “bonuses”, “commision” and “gratuities” just like many other countries, this is called “corruption”.

            The highest levels of pay are usually reserved for the people with the real power and for other companies investing in each other.

            Result being the only people getting rich are the people owning the banks and those high in government seats (because people pay them “operation bonuses” and “project incentives” and they seldom have to pay anyone else anything from their own pockets.)

  4. I am sorry Kevin that you have the belief that you do. I am a Christian and I truly regret the sad individuals who subvert the true meaning of the holiday with such shallow things as “Black Friday”. Disappointed in the christian faith not to resist the materialistic ways that have taken over instead of true meanings.
    Christmas was originally a holiday for celebrating the birth of Christ, not how many presents did you buy me or what their monetary value is or was. Presents should represent a giving of faith and love. They should be given freely and to those who have need.
    The best presents I ever received were never bought or fought for in some shopping center, they were made by people I cared for and they cared for me. I rarely buy my presents during the “Holiday season”, I spend time throughout the whole year trying to find something that reflects the love and friendship I feel for that person. Sometimes that is something that I have made or created. I do buy things, but I try to find something they would like, but won’t get for themselves.
    “Keeping up with the Jones’ ” only shows how much we have fallen out of faith. Every year we see fewer carolers, fewer volunteers, fewer smiles. Don’t ever forget that this isn’t supposed to be about just us or our families as much as it is about being a people of the Earth. Spend time with people from all walks of life, even a smile when you don’t feel like it can be a present to someone who needs it.

    • I think you need to say wether this is a joke or not, because i got a good one saved up either way.

    • “Christmas was originally a holiday for celebrating the birth of Christ, not how many presents did you buy me or what their monetary value is or was.”

      Actually, I’m pretty sure Christmas was originally a carryover of some pagan winter solstice festival, or yule, with the whole ‘birth of Christ’ thing shoe-horned in by the church. It’s never been so much about goodwill towards man, so much as it’s been “Hey, everyone enjoying the festival? It’s for Jesus now. Praise him or else!”

      Whether or not you channel your faith into something well meaning… Let’s just say that the history of Christianity is “interesting” regardless.

      But if you want to be the True Scotsman, go right ahead.

      • Didn’t they track the Bethlehem census- or whatever Mary and Joseph were travelling 9 months pregnant on camelback for- to like June or July? The clergy of the middle ages (including some unscrupulous Popes) did some very bizarre (and political) things with the bible and the records they kept. As with anything nowadays, it’s the spirit of it that really matters

        • I like to give presents that are personal and meaningful, not ones like, “Oh hey, he likes the Gators, right? Let’s get him something with a Gator on it.” If I can think of something the person really needs, or has wanted for a long time, or best of all something I can make, that’s where I’ll go. Selfishly, I want my present to reflect the fact that I love and was thinking about that person, and I want them to know it. (Though I hardly think I am unique in this regard.)

          I believe it was the Vatican Councils (primarily the second) that played Editor with the bible so heavily, rewriting parts and throwing out many, many entire books. These were made up of cardinals, and while I suppose the pope could have stopped or altered what they were doing, I don’t think he actually sits on the council.

          Christmas has always been about celebrating the birth of Christ. However, it was originally just a really long and heavily incensed mass (the Catholic church somehow sees their church services as “celebrations”) and had nothing to do with presents. Whenever the Romans overtook another population they assimilated their holidays by melding that day’s traditions to whatever holiday they already had that was sort of close. Same thing happened again when the Empire went Christian. “Christmas”, as we know it, is almost completely foreign to the “celebration” it once was. Nobody really knows how many different religions’ observances to how many different gods are wrapped up into it. But it’s a lot.

          Feeling sorry for me because I don’t believe the same things you do is a waste of your time. I am not sad or unhappy. I have real, true, honest love in my life and that is so wonderful, and so magical, and so fulfilling that I will go to my grave never being able to express how much it means, just because I have no language for it. I have a wife who sustains me, magnificent friends who support me, and all of you to energize me. I would frankly feel a little sorry for those in the world who don’t have what I do, except that I recognize fulfillment comes in a bewilderingly large variety of packages. Fulfillment is not religion, it is not marriage, it is not friends, though it could be any of these things. Fulfillment is a decision, and for now it is one I have made.

          P.S. Yes, Goofy, it was a joke.