Yesterday (as I write this) was Black Friday, that day of Extreme Shopping where the gatherers of our tribe become hunters. Last year I made fun of people at WALMART who would trample store employees to death for a Tickle-Me-Elmo. This year, managers were more cautious about the crowds, instructing their workers to dodge when confronted with a tidal wave of bargain-addled customers. There were still a few incidents, but they were much less severe.
At a WALMART in Rancho Cucamonga the police were called when a couple of would-be laptop computer owners started fighting. I’m guessing they thought it would be a “to the victor go the spoils” situation, rather than a “the victor and his punching bag share a jail cell” one. In Upland California, at the local (surprise!) WALMART, the fighting was so intense that the manager threw everybody the hell out of the store and closed that bitch down… until a little later when higher-ups in the company told him to open that bitch back up again.
At some WALMART stores, crowds of thousands showed up to purchase doorbuster specials there were as few as 30 of. Sensing no potential for disaster, the store managers allowed the crowds to stand and wait, before finding out hours later that only the first few dozen in the door had found what everyone else had come for. (And before you go saying that these people should have known better, let me remind you again that these are folks who would wait hours to get into a WALMART.)
What does this have to do with anything? I’ll tell you. Shoppers this year were total weenies. Yes, this year I’m making fun of consumers for not murdering anyone while shopping for the birthday of Our Dear Lord Baby Jesus. (I’m fickle that way.) What are you people? Atheists? Do you really care about Our Dear Lord Baby Jesus’ birthday so little that you’d let any Tom, Dick, or Elmo claw past you to steal the joy of Christmas away? Is that the line you draw for god? “Sorry god, I love you enough to get out of bed at two in the morning and stand in line at Walmart, but you can send the souls of myself and my family straight to hell if you want me to murder a faithless, humanist, criminally sinful shopper for your glory. Let’s get real — I’d probably have to run.”
Okay, you’ve made your point. God isn’t worth the exercise. I understand. And for what it’s worth, I agree. That’s right folks. If you failed to murder anyone this past Black Friday (and it’s too late now!) then you are an atheist just like me.