585 – Violet • 04

585

So I was just confused. I mean, (and not to belabor this point, this will go somewhere we haven’t explored yet) I knew that booby-averse companies like CSX would begin to ban HOLE from their servers when I started making pencil drawings of nude trolls, (I love how silly that sounds) but what I didn’t get was why.

Every afternoon Lena and I take Guinness, our bird dog, for a walk around the neighborhood. I figured this would be an excellent time to tap my font of corporate wisdom for an answer. (That would be Lena, not the dog.)

Me: So Lena, you worked for years in a cubicle at a corporate job, I have a corporate question you can help me with.

Lena: Why are you talking like that?

Me: I am not talking like anything in particular. What ever do you mean?

Lena: Are you awake? You’re not sleepwalking again are you? I hate talking to you when you’re asleep.

Me: Certainly not. I have a question about why I was banned from CSX. This does not make any sense to me.

Lena: You were banned because you have the sensibilities of a seven year old.

Me: Perhaps I do, but why ban me? What does corporate America have against seven year olds?

Lena: Nothing, but you… what is that? No, your other hand… are you recording this? Oh, that’s why you’re talking like you’re retarded, right?

Me: Fine, whatever. That was my interviewer voice. I hope you’re happy.

Lena: You’re an idiot.

Me: This is for my blog.

Lena: I told you to tell me when you’re doing that. You’re not smart enough to edit what we say. What if I had started talking about how [content removed on account of it being a complete lie] you are? Would you have left that in?

Me: I am an honest journalist. The people have a right to know.

Lena: What was your stupid question?

Me: I want to know why CSX banned me.

Lena: Boobies.

Me: I know that. I just don’t understand it. Corporations aren’t people, they don’t have morals. I mean, I know that women’s bodies are shameful and perverse… ow! No hitting!

Lena: Oh, I’m sorry.

Me: Yeah, well… any American corporation that got a study claiming that male employees performed half a percent more efficiently while their dicks were getting sucked would either start their own dick sucking department or they’d invent a new kind of chair that did it for them.

Lena: Sure. I wonder what VP of Dick Sucking pays?

Me: So what’s wrong with what I do? The moral reason is a sham. What’s the real reason?

Lena: Duh, it’s money. Sure it’s a nice coincidence that they can claim the moral high ground, but the real reason is to keep from getting sued. Let’s say I walk past Joey’s cubicle, and he’s watching some porn. Maybe some Randy West. Old school. Anyway, I walk past and EEE! A penis! I’m so upset the only way I can possibly get over it is for the company to slide me over a big old pile of cash, which obviously calms my nerves.

Me: The clouds part…

Lena: See? Ninety percent of everything that corporate ever said to us was trying to figure out some way to keep from being sued.

Me: Keep your friends close and your employees closer.

Lena: Yep! You got it!

Me: You’re so smart. This is why I married you. So tell me, you got any ideas on dick-sucking chairs?

16 Responses to 585 – Violet • 04

  1. Great post, and thank you Lena, I understand now, this all makes perfect sense.

    Now, I’ll just rip your idea, invent dick-sucking chairs, command a false study, and then sell this to companies worldwide :mrgreen:

    BTW, great name for a dog 😆

      • They exist….I’ve seen them. I’d pull up a link, but 1) it would be blocked here at work and 2) I’d get fired for looking for it. Lena’s answer pretty much matches what I would have said.

        There was one webcomic I followed for quite a while that eventually got blocked here at work. Yours is still unblocked……we’ll see.

  2. Bunker, son, you should put on some trousers before meeting your new father-in-law. Just a thought. 🙄

    • What…? He’s got a towel!

      (Un-spoiler: Gorch is not Violet’s father. He is the witch-doctor the party was looking for because he knows where the weapons to kill Erias are. He also happens to be the regional warlord that Bunker would need to overcome if he were to divorce Violet without losing everything he has. These two objectives are likely to be mutually exclusive.)

  3. awfully convenient that Gorch just happens to be there right under the ship, what is that called? bad writing?

    I kid I kid don’t kill me!

  4. Even without getting sued, allowing boobies on your employees screen makes both the company and your superiors as individuals look bad if anyone else found out. Bad PR, bad socially.

    • Sure, it may LOOK bad… but a company will happily dump sewage and radioactive carcinogens into people’s back yards no matter how many people it kills and infants it deforms, as long as the penalty it pays for doing so is less than the cost of proper disposal. (This happens daily in the U.S.) Obviously no one is afraid of looking bad… except to the shareholders… who as a group tend only to care about profitability and not to look too closely at how it came about.

      Now it is possible that seeing a penis would be a bigger deal than poisoning a neighborhood. Seriously. That’s how screwed up things are in our “moral” society. However, the whole point of PR for a corporation is to make the atrocities they commit seem okay. If they can spin murder, they can probably spin porn.

  5. Tsk. You’re asking wage slaves about “why” on the business sense.

    I’ll break the unwritten rule and Explain it.

    There are two (connected) reasons.

    Reason The First.
    – Employees already waste money and steal time that they are paid for. Seeing carton boobies will create overwhelming passions in the little dears and not only will we lose more resources to them reading webcomics at work, but now we’ll be paying them to schlep off in the loos afterwards (or in some cases eat their lunch while …relaxing… off in the loos, very unhygenic.)

    Reason The Second.
    – Having realise the sadness of the early situation many of said employees might realise just how sad arse their jobs Really Are, and will quit, finding people to pay them to do mor interesting things. Because drawing troll boobies has gotta bet sitting in cubicle everyday, despite the loust pay. This awareness must be prevented at all costs and the nations economy relies on it. Which is why TV is so mindless, fast food is a concentration of brainkilling chemicals, and if such scenairos were realised then politicians would have to find real work.

    Reason The Third.
    – Obvious from the earlier two but I’m put separate to summarise. Access to Boobies represents freedom of humankind. This must be prevented at all costs (or heaven knows what might occur!)

  6. If you can’t stop thinking about dicksucking chairs, you might be interested in Subtable J of the Wandering Harlot Table, which can be found at:

    Wandering Harlot Table

    It is my update of everyone’s favorite subtable on p. 192 of the AD&D DMG. In this particular case, updated for Mutant Future.

    A Cousin

  7. What the hell? My first comment I wrote never showed up, while the second one (above) did.
    I even tried to repost it, thinking it hadn’t gone through, when I couldn’t see it even after refreshing the browser window a couple times. Only to be told that I had already submitted that exact comment. I thought it was a damn funny posting, and now it’s lost. 😡