So I was just confused. I mean, (and not to belabor this point, this will go somewhere we haven’t explored yet) I knew that booby-averse companies like CSX would begin to ban HOLE from their servers when I started making pencil drawings of nude trolls, (I love how silly that sounds) but what I didn’t get was why.
Every afternoon Lena and I take Guinness, our bird dog, for a walk around the neighborhood. I figured this would be an excellent time to tap my font of corporate wisdom for an answer. (That would be Lena, not the dog.)
Me: So Lena, you worked for years in a cubicle at a corporate job, I have a corporate question you can help me with.
Lena: Why are you talking like that?
Me: I am not talking like anything in particular. What ever do you mean?
Lena: Are you awake? You’re not sleepwalking again are you? I hate talking to you when you’re asleep.
Me: Certainly not. I have a question about why I was banned from CSX. This does not make any sense to me.
Lena: You were banned because you have the sensibilities of a seven year old.
Me: Perhaps I do, but why ban me? What does corporate America have against seven year olds?
Lena: Nothing, but you… what is that? No, your other hand… are you recording this? Oh, that’s why you’re talking like you’re retarded, right?
Me: Fine, whatever. That was my interviewer voice. I hope you’re happy.
Lena: You’re an idiot.
Me: This is for my blog.
Lena: I told you to tell me when you’re doing that. You’re not smart enough to edit what we say. What if I had started talking about how [content removed on account of it being a complete lie] you are? Would you have left that in?
Me: I am an honest journalist. The people have a right to know.
Lena: What was your stupid question?
Me: I want to know why CSX banned me.
Me: I know that. I just don’t understand it. Corporations aren’t people, they don’t have morals. I mean, I know that women’s bodies are shameful and perverse… ow! No hitting!
Lena: Oh, I’m sorry.
Me: Yeah, well… any American corporation that got a study claiming that male employees performed half a percent more efficiently while their dicks were getting sucked would either start their own dick sucking department or they’d invent a new kind of chair that did it for them.
Lena: Sure. I wonder what VP of Dick Sucking pays?
Me: So what’s wrong with what I do? The moral reason is a sham. What’s the real reason?
Lena: Duh, it’s money. Sure it’s a nice coincidence that they can claim the moral high ground, but the real reason is to keep from getting sued. Let’s say I walk past Joey’s cubicle, and he’s watching some porn. Maybe some Randy West. Old school. Anyway, I walk past and EEE! A penis! I’m so upset the only way I can possibly get over it is for the company to slide me over a big old pile of cash, which obviously calms my nerves.
Me: The clouds part…
Lena: See? Ninety percent of everything that corporate ever said to us was trying to figure out some way to keep from being sued.
Me: Keep your friends close and your employees closer.
Lena: Yep! You got it!
Me: You’re so smart. This is why I married you. So tell me, you got any ideas on dick-sucking chairs?