Trying out yet another new bloggy thing here at HOLE called “Dear DM”. The idea is that you, the reader, will ask me, the DM, questions about any old thing that pops into your head, gaming related or not, and I will answer it. So, you guys ask your questions to the DM below, and I will pick from them for the next time I do this. To get the ball rolling, I will start with this fabulous group of fake questions I have right here…
1. (@Rattlesnake) Dear DM, I have a person in my gaming group who is loud and obnoxious. I have asked him to be quiet so the rest of us can hear what the DM is saying, but he won’t shut up. He’s not that great a friend but he also gives me rides to gaming so I don’t want to yell at him and piss him off. What should I do?
Dear Rattlesnake: Dude, you’re a freakin’ rattlesnake! How stupid is this turd that he’s willing to piss YOU off? But okay, I get it. If you bite him and kill him he can’t drive you to gaming. So here’s what you do.
First, find yourself one of those squirt bottles, like the kind the Windex comes in. Fill the bottle with vinegar, and take it with you to gaming. When your ride starts gabbing, immediately spray him in the face. It is very important not to tell him WHY you are spraying him… he has to figure it out on his own or else the training won’t take. Don’t worry about him getting mad at you, vinegar in the eyes hurts like fire, and he will be so blinded by his own tears that he will be unable to pinpoint who just sprayed him.
2. (@Jehosesplat) Dear DM, I have been playing D&D for two years now and my character is 6th level. I’m beginning to get a little frustrated at the pacing of my progress. I started playing D&D for the devil worshipping, and all we ever do is play with little plastic figures on a map our DM draws out. How long do I have to do this for before being initiated into the Dark Cult?
Dear Jehosesplat: Like a ninja who must pull a bow for a year before ever picking up an arrow, you must accept our ways of selecting new members if you hope to be chosen. Be patient, persevere, and do not question your superiors.
Of course if you want to jumpstart the process you can always sacrifice a few cats to the dark lord. Satan likes the way cats taste AND you’re helping out your neighborhood by keeping the feline population down, which in turn helps keep certain vectors for disease at a minimum. A few tips for early entry into the Minions of Darkness: 1) Always bring beer and chips with you. Any satanist will appreciate a bag of Doritos! 2) Make a list of names for the DM to use for his PCs. The Fell Horde likes a proactive thinker! 3) When sacrificing your cats, sacrifice some barbecue sauce too. Most people don’t know this, but Satan is from Texas.
3. (@Hornyandbeautiful) Dear DM, I read that while you have based the physical look of Bunker on yourself (though he is not quite as muscular) you have resisted showing him to us in the nude because you felt our collective suspension of disbelief would be broken by the spectacular size of Bunker’s penis, modeled as it is on your own. I don’t really have a question.
Dear Hornyandbeautiful, What a deeply insightful observation! Hey, can you cook?
So there you have it, the first installment of Dear DM. Ask your own questions below, and I’ll answer the best ones next week!