574 – Gorch • 01


The Higgs Boson is sometimes known as the god particle, and if conclusively observed and proved to exist could demonstrate how massless particles moving though a non-zero vacuum… this being the theoretical Higgs field… could attract and pick up mass, thus hopefully explaining how particles have mass. This could be used to extrapolate backwards to the big bang, and explain how our most recent universe began. (Apologies to any particle physicists in the audience who just fainted at my inept description.)

Anyway… it’s a big deal, and it’s one of the big reasons (among many) the Hadron Collider was so anticipated by the scientific community of Very Tiny Things. (We’re talking even smaller than mice.) But the Hadron Collider has had a run of extremely bad luck in simply operating normally, much less discovering any stray bits of god laying about, leading some scientists to become a little superstitious about the whole thing. Dr Holger Bech Nielsen and Dr Masao Ninomiya have forwarded the theory that god doesn’t like Higgs Bosons, and is reaching back in time to sabotage the collider in order to prevent any being made.

I’ll buy it. It’s no stupider than anything else people claim that god does.

I’m wondering though, what exactly it is that god has against this particular boson. If we saw his math on how he made the universe, is he afraid we’ll make our own? Or maybe we’ll see his mistakes and be able to fix some things around here, like making rainbows end in real pots of gold or making domesticated turkeys smarter so they won’t drown when it rains. If I had a Higgs Boson I’d use it to make a nude code on my TV so I’d always see Jessica Alba naked no matter what she was wearing.

Do you think god would bother doing a time travel-ninja sabotage move just to keep us from doing something stupid like blowing up the universe or making strawberry milkshakes where the strawberries don’t freeze*? If you were god, would you?

*Chik-fil-a already has these… and they’re awe-SOME! Doctors Nielson and Ninomiya need to hoof it down to Chik-fil-a and check out their bosons!

47 Responses to 574 – Gorch • 01

  1. considering how many people are needed to run that thing, and the fact there is a lot of idiots who actually think it will destroy earth, I would be shocked if there wasn’t a human saboteur.

    As for God? I would think he would WANT us to study his work much like a painter would want someone to study their work.

    • I do think it’s funny (and typical) that given the enormously complicated nature of the thing, no one seems to be considering that we simply haven’t gotten it tuned properly yet.

      • Esoteric Detection Instruments that need extremely precice environments to function? Check
        The largest collection of Superconducting Matter ever assembled on earth? Check
        Said Superconductors require the largest liquid Helium cooling system concieved of? Check
        Thousands of computers acting in parallel to control the Supercollider? Check
        Miles of Network Cables and equipment to coordinate the computers controlling the superconductors inhabiting the cooling system of the millenia whlie gathering Petaflops of data every moment the system is rumnning? Check.

        Who thought this puppy would work as intended on the first try?

        Never attribute to malice that which can be adequately explained by stupidity. -Robert J. Hanlon

  2. Before I comment, let me state I am a Catholic and a Scientist; that said, let us continue…

    I think it’s absurd to claim God (or any other supernatural being for all those who disagree with me theologically) would proactively attempt to prevent the LHC from running out of fear of becoming more equal. Being a knowledgeable Catholic, it’s taught that God made us like Himself–therefore with the expectation that we are capable of the exact same things He is at some point in time. Should He (or any other supernatural being) show “fear” towards us, why not go further back and have embedded a mistake in Einstein’s Quantum Field Equations (i.e. the founding premise of Quantum Mechanics & Particle Theory)?

    I agree with the first comment–Given the large number of people working on this thing, It would not shock me if there was a saboteur in the ranks.

    • A human saboteur seems less likely to me than a time-ninjaing boson. I’m guessing that there is a lot of checking your neighbor’s work on this kind of project, and while far from impossible to commit, I bet sabotage would be a lot easier to detect after the fact. The whole reason these guys have come up with their time-traveling theory (which may be tongue-in-cheek) is that the problems seem to spring up literally out of nowhere, giving them an aura of inexplicability.

  3. I think it’s a funny theological argument. If God really does exist, then didn’t he create the Big Bang? And evolution? And, like, everything else in all creation? How could anything existing prove or disprove the creator of said object? Why would he not like something he made?

    Of course, some people think God is a giant old man with a grey beard, sitting on a big chair, floating around on a cloud somewhere…… up there!!! People get funny ideas in thier heads about God, so I guess scientists aren’t so different.

  4. God is just a computer nerd/programmer and we are his “sims”. Sometimes Satan gets on his computer and starts burning down orphanages and making all sorts of weird crap happen… or is a hacker…

    That would also explain how the devil makes everyone do stupid or bad things. 😛

    • Hunh. That puts a new spin on this last weekend.

      I got stuck out in the front yard in a tiny square of white picket fencing, unable to make it to the kitchen, toilet, or bed. Curiously though, all I really wanted to do was play videogames and shower.

  5. I am of the imagination that God could care less about us discovering a micro particle to partially prove a theory. It’s not like God has not tried to show us that he/she/it (giant spagetti monster in the sky) does exist, I mean with all the children being born, people surviving horrendous accidents, down to the innovation and discovery of ones own mind, less not we just forget one of our oldest history books being the bible do create the belief that God could or does or has existed.

    Besides if anything God is probably rooting to see the Collider explode just like everyone else. Explosions are fun…

  6. I’m one of those crazy “Mormon” people, and the theology I hail from believes that the whole point of existence is to become more like God. I would say that sabotaging the Collider so that we don’t learn more stuff that He already knows would be the last thing that he would do. Unless… Hmm… I have 4 kids (the oldest being 8 years old), and they all believe in Santa still… Maybe the Big Chief doesn’t want to take the magic out of why matter exists and whatnot? 😀

  7. It’s all those time travellers from the Future trying to keep all the Higgs bosons to themselves. The bastards.
    It’s the quantum crack of the future, people.

    God was totally high during his Ediacaran Period, that’s why all those early precambrian lifeforms look like something a newbie whipped up while playing SPORE for the first time. Then after God woke up from his boson crack trip he tried again and came up with some better evolution[*], not stuff that looked like something he’d found oozing around behind the fridge. Finally there was some proper scuttling! And lo, He saw it was good.

    ([*] the remains of which can still be seen at the Burgess Shale and at Chengjiang… obviously God liked to order seafood take-away.)

  8. I’m sure it’s some kind of Twelve Monkeys thing where the Hadron Collider will explode causing a huge apocalyptic event and the few survivors have created time travel and sent someone back to get a job working on the thing and sabotage it to the point where they give up on the thing, thus no explody apocalypse and they don’t have to be told what to do by monkeys or whatever. So it’s not really God going back in time to stop them, it’s themselves going back in time to stop them. Besides, if you’re God there is no time, there simply is.

    • I think that as long as the are observable phenomena (do-do—de-do-do) to measure it by, then there is time. There isn’t any is-ing unless we let the collider go boom. Therefore, it must be the agents of Evil trying to keep us all from god that are sabotaging the collider from the future! (Unless the universe is truly cyclical in which case they are also trying to sabotage the collider from the past!)

  9. I think God would be proud of us for discovering how His/Her Universe works. We may be wrong about this Higgs Boson thing, though.

  10. Chik Fil a has strawberries that don’t freeze n milkshakes. Chik il a closes on Sunday in observance of a religious holiday.
    Do they have The Answer? Crap, I’m going to hell… where there are undoubtedly no strawberry milkshakes and I really like those. 🙁

    • If they’re not closed on Saturday they’re disrespectful of Judaism then. If they’re not closed on Friday they’re disrespectful of Islam then. If they’re not closed on Thursday they’re disrespectful of Norse religion.

      ….See, when you start down the dark and dreary path of respecting any religion you by definition are disrespecting the other ones even worse. The only proper answer is to just say no to religion.

      • Nah, I totally don’t buy that. If a Christian goes to church on Sunday he is not being disrespectful of Judaism by not going to temple on Saturday. He’s just not a Jew. Truett Cathy was a Christian, and he wasn’t disparaging every other religion in the world by not belonging to them too. He just wanted off on Sundays, and thought if he took it, it was only fair to give it to everyone else who worked for him as well.

        Now if an atheist got on his own website and said that not only was there no god, but that the people who pretended he exists were willfully deluding themselves out of a need for belonging… well that would be disrespectful. But at least it would be equally disrespectful to everyone.

  11. All I have to say is that if they’d ever built the one in the American southwest like they were planning in the 90s at one point they wouldn’t have needed time-traveling saboteurs. They’d come from all over the states.

  12. I’m wondering though, what exactly it is that god has against this particular boson. If we saw his math on how he made the universe, is he afraid we’ll make our own?

    Actually, this is pretty coherent with God’s actions in the Old Testament and all the statements about man’s hubris. You just need to remember the tower of babel, which was cast down because man had the so-called hubris of wanting to reach Heaven through mundane means, which was considered as wanting to become god’s equals.
    And look at Adam and Eve eating up from the tree of knowledge (which god told them about, then forbid them to eat from. Devious, sadistic guy) 😉

    Note also how prometheus was punished for bringing fire to man.

    If gods have something in common, it’s this: they like us naked, afraid, and dumb.

  13. Satan was cast from heaven for deciding he was equal to God.
    Adam and Eve were cast from Eden when they ate the forbidden fruit because they were told (by Satan) that it would make them like God.
    God sabotaged the tower of Babel by changing the speech of its builders into multiple languages so they couldn’t communicate because the designers intended the tower of Babel to reach heaven and thus perhaps become gods themselves.
    and only slightly related, I don’t remember who but there was a man in the bible who openly declared he was God and was struck down (maybe one of the more avid readers here would remember who)

    the pattern here indicates that God has a problem if our intention is to be like him or otherwise challenge him such as claiming we are gods, considering we likely now have towers much taller then Babel and are now able to fly (both of which we do w/o divine interference) seems to suggests that God has no problem with these things unless its to challenge him

    • I must respectfully disagree with you, Stephen.

      By most interpretations, Satan was cast out for openly rebelling against God. I’m sure his thinking that he was/is equal would be considered blasphemy, but there was more to the situation.
      Adam and Eve were cast from Eden when they ate the forbidden fruit, because it was FORBIDDEN. Sure they sought to be more like God in doing so, but it was the direct violation of God’s rule that saw them cast out.
      The Tower of Babel is an interesting example. It is most likely that the “tower” actually refers to a ziggurat. Basically a ziggurat is a Mesopotamian stepped pyramid with an alter on top. Ziggurats were built to reach as high into the heavens as possible so that the prayers were able to reach the gods. This being stated, the sabotage was mostly likely more related to the worship of gods rather than the people seeking to be the equal to God.

      The Bible states that we were created in God’s image. Why would our creator make us like him, then punish us for being like him?

      • Okay, I was taught that Lucifer was cast out of heaven basically for “saying no to apes”. God had this awesome idea about making people out of mud, and was telling the angels about how cool it would be, and the angels were all like, “Oh yeah. That’s really cool, god. Dirt people.” but they were all thinking, “Thank him I don’t have to live down there! I mean, we’re friggin’ angels and he wants us to get excited over people made of dirt?“… buuuut they managed to keep it up until god told them about how the dirt people were gonna turn away from him, and then god was gonna make a special dirt-person named Jesus and all the angels should worship him just like they did god.

        At this point Lucifer called a time-out and was all like, “Whoa there god. I think your little science project is cool and all,” and he rolled his eyes towards some of the other angels in the room, “but dude, we’re friggin’ angels over here. You really want us bowing down to dirt?

        At this point god was really embarrassed because he hadn’t thought about it that way, and when god gets embarrassed he gets angry, and then you just better watch out! So god all up and said, “Look here you little shit, I fuckin’ made your fuckin’ ass, I can take you the fuck out! As long as you’re livin’ under my fuckin’ roof you’ll worship whatever the fuck I tell you too! Go worship that plant!”

        And then there was some more yelling, and people said some stuff they didn’t really mean, and Lucifer (who was only like seventeen in angel-years) stormed off, and god said, “If you walk out that door don’t you ever come back.” even thought he totally didn’t mean it… and then it was done. Lucifer had to find a job, and the only place that was hiring was hell, which is more-or-less the angel equivalent of McDonalds, a bunch of Lucifer’s pals left with him and went to work there too. (Lucifer was totally hot and very popular with the other kids.)

        God tried to call a few times and tell them they could have their old rooms back but Lucifer has gotten promoted by then and besides you can never really go back, so no one took god up on his offer. Which is a real shame because god got bored with his dirt-people experiment pretty fast and now he just sort of wanders around heaven trying to tell the same fishing stories over and over again to anyone who will listen.

        That’s the way I learned it, anyway.

    • I thought Lucifer was cast down for claiming equality with god. But Satan is the name given to some sort of omnipresent evil force that opposes god and causes strife on earth. Maybe I’m wrong, I don’t really put that much thought into it. Either way, if Lucifer/Satan was cast down into hell how could he/she/it possibly cause strife on earth while stuck in hell? Unless he/she/it has a lot of cronies to do his/her/its dirty work for them. Cheeky bastard. Wait, I’m thinking too hard about it.

      • Lucifer is the angel who rules in hell. The serpent was the snake in the garden who tempted Eve. Satan was originally a Babylonian snake goddess who got incorporated into the religion and cast as a rival to god. Later the same thing happened again with Cerunnos the Celtic “horned god,” at which point horns and goats legs were added to Satan.

        • Satan’s depiction in catholic art (and the way most view him today) is basically that of the Greek god Pan. You know, the one who’s followers go out into the woods and drink a lot and have orgies. The church didn’t much care for that, they they declared them witches and said they were worshiping Satan. I wasn’t familiar with Cerunnos, but I guess the church thought they could kill two pagan birds with the same stone, huh?

          I would also like to point out that the Bible does not depict God and Satan’s relationship as totally adversarial. The story of Job begins with God and Satan having a physiological discussion. And you’re right, Kevin. The snake is NOT Satan. The Bible literally says that it was a snake. If it was Satan, it wouldn’t make any sense to punish snakes for what Satan did while wearing a snake costume. The entire concept that most churches and Christians have of Satan/Lucifer/The Serpent is in total opposition to the Bible they claim to be the literal word of God.

          • Oh man, wouldn’t that suck. Bad enough that every snake ever since the Garden got their legs taken away for something they didn’t even do, (can we say un-fair…) but now we realize that the snake who tempted Eve wasn’t even a snake, but satan in disguise? Wow! God not only has a serious temper, (plus a kinda fritzy understanding of his own omniscience) but some pretty catastrophically flawed logic as well.

            And what about the kraits? (Sea snakes.) Assumably all snakes before then had legs, which god took away so they’d have to eat his dust. (God’s words, not mine.) Suddenly the kraits, completely uninvolved, swimming around with all their legs all over the place, go POW! No more legs! And god obviously didn’t even know about it since the whole point was to get back at the snakes by making them eat dust… and kraits live in the ocean!

            God should have read a Spiderman comic before he started running around smiting snakes and whatnot. “With great power comes great responsibility.”

  14. And I always thought that the tower of Babel was either a metaphor for controlled immigration or to tell you not to hire firms who use cheap overseas labour.

    How wrong was I.

    • Well, if you mean Morty, he’s a troll now, having gotten his “furry curse” accidentally reversed when trying to turn Enkidu back to normal. If you mean the dwarves in general, we haven’t seen any in a while. There is a reason, but the heroes haven’t stumbled across it yet.