Plose and the Dragon
DM: As you quietly make your way down the sloping tunnel, you perceive a reddish glow coming from up ahead, along with a rhythmic rumbling. Peeking around the corner you see that the glow comes from within the breast of the largest red dragon you have ever seen, the rumbling being the sounds of his sleeping breath. The huge natural cavern is strewn with piles of wealth… gold, silver, platinum, along with tens of thousands of gemstones, heraldic weapons and armor… and then finally, the blue glow of the Elf God’s Eye, the object you have searched for these last eight months, less than ten yards away.
Me: Is all this stuff gonna fit in my bag of holding?
DM: Not even remotely. This is the biggest hoard of treasure you’ve ever even heard of. Besides which…
Me: Oh. Well my porter can carry it, right?
DM: What porter?
Me: My minion. Whatever you call it. I have a guy.
DM: No you don’t. That was 3.5, with the leadership feat. There’s no leadership feat in…
Me: Right! My leadership guy! We start bagging up all the treasure. I take the copper too! It’s funny when you pay tolls in copper.
DM: Aren’t you forgetting something?
Me: No. What?
DM: There’s an enormous red dragon that could kill your little 5th level party just by rolling over on you. What about him?
Me: What do mean the treasure won’t fit in my bag of holding? Doesn’t it hold anything I want? I tell the bag I want it to hold all the treasure. Will it do it now?
DM: I could have been watching Warehouse 13…
Me: Okay, great. Now we go down and get the treasure.
DM: Does anyone want to stop Plose and his imaginary friend from walking into the room, waking up the dragon, and killing everyone?
Janine: My barbarian will sit on him!
William: I begin a silence ritual. I think we’re gonna need it.
Treat: I’ll sneak ahead to the mouth of the tunnel and make sure the dragon stays asleep.
DM: The dragon opens one glowing yellow eye, and glances about the room. Hearing nothing more, he settles back to…
Me: Are there automatic handguns in this world?
Me: Automatic handguns. If I had a big Ol’ Clint Eastwood gun I could shoot that troll in the eye.
DM: The troll was three encounters ago! This is a dragon!
Me: Like to see him regenerate that.
Janine: I’m looking for a rock that will fit into the paladin’s mouth.
DM: There are several hundred within arm’s reach. You have no problem silencing Plose.
Me: I would probably already have a big gun. I’ll just go ahead and write it on my sheet.
DM: Treat, your rogue thinks he could sneak down to the Elf God’s Eye without waking the dragon. It’s only a little way into the room and…
Me: I walk right up to the troll and stick my gun in his face and say, “Make my day, punk!” And then I blow him away!
DM: There are so many things wrong with that I don’t know where to start.
Janine: Are you even playing the same game as we are?
Me: Ha-hah! He doesn’t have anything witty to say about that, does he?
William: He thought the trolls were witty?
Treat: This is why they won’t let him into the game store any more.
DM: You know what? Fine. Plose kills the troll chief and becomes the head of the tribe. Treat, roll stealth.
Treat: 28. I want to get to the Eye and come straight back.
DM: No problem. You grab the Eye and get out of the cave in time to save the elves and restore the city’s water supply.
Me: Now I just need to get enough samurai swords for all my trolls.
DM: Whatever. The Prince appoints each of you… who returned… to the council of elders as thanks for cementing the city’s alliance with the elves.
Me: Oh snap! I bet troll chicks are virgins every time they do it! ‘Cause they regenerate their girl-virgin-thing, right?
DM: Go fuck yourself.