567 – Warning Shot • 03

567

Plose and the Dragon

DM: As you quietly make your way down the sloping tunnel, you perceive a reddish glow coming from up ahead, along with a rhythmic rumbling. Peeking around the corner you see that the glow comes from within the breast of the largest red dragon you have ever seen, the rumbling being the sounds of his sleeping breath. The huge natural cavern is strewn with piles of wealth… gold, silver, platinum, along with tens of thousands of gemstones, heraldic weapons and armor… and then finally, the blue glow of the Elf God’s Eye, the object you have searched for these last eight months, less than ten yards away.

Me: Is all this stuff gonna fit in my bag of holding?

DM: Not even remotely. This is the biggest hoard of treasure you’ve ever even heard of. Besides which…

Me: Oh. Well my porter can carry it, right?

DM: What porter?

Me: My minion. Whatever you call it. I have a guy.

DM: No you don’t. That was 3.5, with the leadership feat. There’s no leadership feat in…

Me: Right! My leadership guy! We start bagging up all the treasure. I take the copper too! It’s funny when you pay tolls in copper.

DM: Aren’t you forgetting something?

Me: No. What?

DM: There’s an enormous red dragon that could kill your little 5th level party just by rolling over on you. What about him?

Me: What do mean the treasure won’t fit in my bag of holding? Doesn’t it hold anything I want? I tell the bag I want it to hold all the treasure. Will it do it now?

DM: I could have been watching Warehouse 13…

Me: Okay, great. Now we go down and get the treasure.

DM: Does anyone want to stop Plose and his imaginary friend from walking into the room, waking up the dragon, and killing everyone?

Janine: My barbarian will sit on him!

William: I begin a silence ritual. I think we’re gonna need it.

Treat: I’ll sneak ahead to the mouth of the tunnel and make sure the dragon stays asleep.

DM: The dragon opens one glowing yellow eye, and glances about the room. Hearing nothing more, he settles back to…

Me: Are there automatic handguns in this world?

DM: What?

Me: Automatic handguns. If I had a big Ol’ Clint Eastwood gun I could shoot that troll in the eye.

DM: The troll was three encounters ago! This is a dragon!

Me: Like to see him regenerate that.

DM: DRA—GON.

Me: Pow!

Janine: I’m looking for a rock that will fit into the paladin’s mouth.

DM: There are several hundred within arm’s reach. You have no problem silencing Plose.

Me: I would probably already have a big gun. I’ll just go ahead and write it on my sheet.

DM: Treat, your rogue thinks he could sneak down to the Elf God’s Eye without waking the dragon. It’s only a little way into the room and…

Me: I walk right up to the troll and stick my gun in his face and say, “Make my day, punk!” And then I blow him away!

DM: There are so many things wrong with that I don’t know where to start.

Janine: Are you even playing the same game as we are?

Me: Ha-hah! He doesn’t have anything witty to say about that, does he?

William: He thought the trolls were witty?

Treat: This is why they won’t let him into the game store any more.

DM: You know what? Fine. Plose kills the troll chief and becomes the head of the tribe. Treat, roll stealth.

Me: Yeah!

Treat: 28. I want to get to the Eye and come straight back.

DM: No problem. You grab the Eye and get out of the cave in time to save the elves and restore the city’s water supply.

Me: Now I just need to get enough samurai swords for all my trolls.

DM: Whatever. The Prince appoints each of you… who returned… to the council of elders as thanks for cementing the city’s alliance with the elves.

Me: Oh snap! I bet troll chicks are virgins every time they do it! ‘Cause they regenerate their girl-virgin-thing, right?

DM: Go fuck yourself.

18 Responses to 567 – Warning Shot • 03

  1. Wow, that’s one hell of an ugly green eyesore! And that anatomical accident nailed to the wall isn’t too pretty, either! *Ba-BOOM*
    That old guy’s just asking for a face full of fireball, isn’t he?

    Seriously, I think I need to make a SAN check, and then roll against my Cthulhu Mythos score.
    Hm, the Spotters’ Guide to Mythos Monstrosities has this to say,
    “Three Mile Island Shoggoth: A smaller, inoffensive subspecies of the Atomic Shoggoth. Unrelated to Starkweather’s Whistling Showtunes Shoggoth. Range: worldwide, but habitat threatened by ecological activists. Durable pet, suitable for small children. Clings to walls. Goes into torpor in the presence of alcohol vapours. If it oozes, clean it by brushing down with a wet sponge.”
    😉

  2. “I bet troll chicks are virgins every time they do it!”

    There are troll chicks? 😕 And here I thought trolls bred by cutting bits off themselves and letting them grow into more trolls. Like that Jehova guy did with that Adam guy… cut out his rib, zip, and some genetic engineering evening courses later he had three women. Only His fan club gave all the media coverage to the third one.

    In a way, the other fictional players should be thankful they have Plose in their group. The GM hand them all those easy victories simply to piss Plose off.

  3. In the name of chronic integrity, the DM should’ve said “Go plow yourself”.

    Bad, bad DM. Poor Plose having to endure such injustice.

  4. I like the way Plose sort of drifts off into his own little world where he can have a handgun…
    Samurai swords for trolls??? Can twolls even *hold* items of elegance and beauty (even though deadly) in their hands without throwing it away as something not appropiate for smashing things?

    But yes, the party does come a little easy to the rewards – the describing style reminds me of some 20+ years ago where it was easy to discearn the newcomers and us with at least 1-2 years of roleplaying under our belts – “My priest tells the innkeeper that… “!
    Typical beginner-narrative…

  5. Hey, trolls can be some of the best samuari out there! Just get them some wired reflexes 3 and a smartlink, maybe some bioware muscle aug, and they kick serious ass!

    ….wadda ya mean ‘wrong system’?

      • I disagree, it is an abomination to mix fantasy with cyberpunk; cyberpunk is a distillation of what is dark, vile and violent in today’s reality amped with dehumanization turned up to 11. If you add in elves and trolls and crap like that you’re ruining it, plain and simple.

        • No, then you get crack-addicted elf punks, troll mafia heavies, dwarf bouncers, dragon CEOs and anorexic elf poser fashion victims. 8) The real crap thing was when the authors tried to link Shadowrun (The Sixth Age of the World) and Earthdawn (The Second? Third? Age of the World) via the demons/immortal elves/dragons conspiracy metaplot, which got rather silly.

          Since all the metahumans in Shadowrun ARE human and not some pointy-eared Tolkien races, you can DEhumanize them just as well.

          Now, for mixing fantasy races with the modern world, look no further that d20 Modern Urban Arcana, with literally puts dozens of D&D races into a “real world” setting.

          Or the novel Jack of Kinrowan by Charles de Lint (actually made up of two novels: Jack, The iant Killer; Drink Down the Moon). The Faerie Folk in 1980s Ottawa.

          Or the Anita Blake novels and its spin-offs.

          Really, fantasy-creatures-in-modern-world is its own genre by now.

  6. Let me guess- the thing on the wall… a catoblepus? My abject nerdiness may be in question due to my inability to properly spell it, but that would be my guess.

    Just a point of curiosity. Ekindu has boobs now… why isn’t (s)he showing them off all over the place, or at the very least playing with them? It seems a little un-Ekindu-like to be a female and not have some fun with it. And where did the cigar go? Or do we not want to know?

  7. The thing on the wall is not a D&D monster. It is… something else, but it is a thing. (Just kinda silly.)

    As for the rest… stay tuned!

  8. Re: Comic
    Ha ha, that NPC was being even dumber than a player! Pro tip: If you’re a scrawny little barstaff guy in an apron who barely weighs more in pounds than you are tall in inches you should not make fun of women that are taller than you, a lot heavier than you, and also wearing armour casually.

    Re: Plose
    Plouse is Dutch, translating as “fluffy” and when you mention his name I can’t help but snicker imagining this D&Dunderhead player suddenly replaced with a fluffy white cat who doesn’t know what’s going on with all these nerds, scattering all the dice and character sheets on the gaming table as they glare around trying to get their due attention from the human slaves.
    I’m torn though: I can’t tell if you’re understating, overstating, or communicating raw truth about how awful a gamer you once were.