564 – Monster Soup • 06


Plose and the Ogre

DM: As you approach the goblins, you see a hulking creature in their midst, clutching a two-handed sword in one huge fist. It…

Me: Is it an ogre?

DM: … Yes. You think it might be an ogre.

Me: Where’d these goblins get an ogre?

DM: I imagine it was the other way around. Anyway, the ogre is…

Me: Are they trying to get rid of him?

DM: He looks like he’s their leader. They’re doing what he’s telling them to do. And what he’s telling them is…

Me: Do you think an ogre could have sex with a goblin?

DM: What?

Me: Sex. There are no other ogres around, right? I wonder if he’s jerking off every morning or he’s using one of those goblins as a Fleshlight.

DM: As a flashlight?

Me: No, Fleshlight. It’s like this silicone vagina in a plastic flashlight shell. Hang on, I’ll show you…

DM: No, stop. Please. What does this have to do with the goblins again?

Me: The ogre. He could just pick up one of the goblins in one hand and…

DM: I am officially retracting the question.

Me: I’m just trying to understand the enemy. You’re the one who created the whole ogre/goblin sex situation.


Me: What?

DM: As I was saying… the ogre is directing the goblins to take the…

Me: I charge the ogre.

DM: You… why?

Me: Because… he’s… an ogre?

DM: The Prince hires ogres and goblins all the time. This one is wearing the Prince’s colors.

Me: What was that about the shoes?

DM: I have no idea what you’re talking about.

Me: It’s right here in my notes… uh… okay, here. “Shoes needs magic sword. Look for ogre… something, something.”

DM: Let me see… No, that’s not shoes, it’s “Plose.”

Me: That’s my character’s name!

DM: And you’ve miswritten it again. It looks like you were reminding yourself to kill one of the Prince’s ogres and make it look like an accident so you could steal his magic sword.

Me: That’s it! I charge the ogre!

DM: You do remember that you’re a paladin, right?

Me: Yeah, so?

DM: And that the Prince is the head of your paladin order?

Me: Who is the Prince again?

DM: The man who rescued you from a burning forest as a baby and raised you as his own? Who educated you and taught you to fight? Who has provided for every material, spiritual, and emotional need you have ever had?

Me: Well he should have given me a magic two-handed sword. Roll initiative, ogre!

DM: The ogre gets a 16.

Me: Damn.

DM: The ogre hits you with a twenty-five… you take fifteen hit points.

Me: Hah! Not even bloodied!

DM: The goblins all whirl their extra-large tripod-mounted crossbows on you…

Me: What? What crossbows? Tripod…? I thought they only had those on the city walls or something? You’re making this up!

DM: You’re on the city wall.

Me: How did I get here? I thought we were in a field.

DM: No. The rest of the party is in a field fighting giant spiders. You left and climbed on top of the city wall to see if the apple trees on the royal lawn were ripe, because you were going to sell the apples to the homeless and “be so rich you could pay the Pope to eat his own poop.”

Me: Heh heh. That’s a good idea.

DM: Let’s see… hit… hit… hit… hit… hit…

Me: Is all that against me?

DM: hit… hit… yes… hit… hit…

Me: How can they all be hitting? I have a 20 armor class!

DM: They’re ten levels higher than you and using specially steadied crossbows with a +4 proficiency bonus, and they all have 16 dexterities and expertise feats. They need a four to hit you. Okay, you take 65 more points of damage.


DM: Your turn.

Me: I’m dead! I’m all out of turns!

DM: Okay. In that case the ogre turns back towards the field, and orders the goblins to start firing on the giant spiders. What spiders don’t die are driven off, and the party can quickly retrieve the Orb of Amarran.

Me: That was stupid.

DM: Though saddened by the death of his adopted son Plose, the Prince is overwhelmed with relief at the return of the Orb. In payment he allows each of you to pick one weapon from his magical armory.

Me: That bastard! He never gave me anything!

DM: He is also refitting Plose’s old rooms as the new royal gaming arcade, and you guys can come by any time you like.

Me: What!? No!

DM: Oh, and remember those two serving women Plose was always going on about? The Prince claps his hands and they rip off each others clothes and start making out on the floor.

Me: Nooooo! It’s not fair! Wait! Plose has a twin brother! I just wrote it in my background! Plose II bursts in through the front door!

DM: Nope. Plose II died of syphilis at age six. He sat on the wrong toilet seat.

Me: Fine! I’m coming back as a zombie!

DM: Great! The rest of you guys up for a little zombie killing?


40 Responses to 564 – Monster Soup • 06

  1. “You do remember that you’re a paladin, right?”
    AHAHAHAHAHAHA!! 😆 😆 😆 :mrgreen:
    Please tell me this happened when you were a 16-year-old gamer. No, wait, it sounds like D&D 4E rules. Damn. Do 4E paladins get mandatory lobotomies?

    • Well…it seems like an odd and bizarre blend of 3E and 4E, since Paladins act now like Warlocks have always acted; they can be thrown out of the order they follow, hunted as heretics, be as evil as they can be, but the god granted its powers to the character and they’re free to follow the path they want.

      But that’s definitely not Kev. That’s probably what someone else told him, a story from when said person was younger. I mean, I did some stupid stuff when I first played an RPG (GURPS, actually), but nothing on the boundary of that.

      And I mean it…REALLY STUPID STUFF. Had I known what I know now, my character’s deity (incidentally, a Paladin) would have made the mother of all divine interventions.

      • Plose is a new “character” I’m playing with just for Friday blog entries. He won’t be around every week, but don’t be surprised if you see him again.

      • Wait, what? Paladins in 4E are glorified sociopaths with divine magic? Officially? What the freaking hell?? 😡

        • Paladins in 4e are whatever you want them to be. They just did away with alignment restrictions on classes. So you can have a Chaotic Evil Paladin of the Blood God if you choose. But a DM who is paying attention will still make sure that you stay true to your alignment, whatever it may be.

          But really, haven’t paladins always been glorified sociopaths with divine magic? In previous editions, they just happened to be Lawful Good glorified sociopaths with divine magic. We’ve all played with or at least heard of the player who needed no more justification than “he was evil” to slaughter any monster or npc they came into contact with.

  2. Re: Comic, I think that Morty’s gambit is an awesome move.

    Re: Log of stupidity, I was never this bad a player but many players started out as very stupid jerks and went on to become at least slightly less stupid. Others stayed that stupid or possibly even got worse. The GM’s assigned punishment in this log wasn’t adequate but it was a start.

  3. However…

    On the Goblin/Ogre sex thing, I did end up initiating a vaguely similar conversation when one of my characters first came across a centuar along the lines of.

    To GM: I’ll take the centuar some food, wait, what do centuars eat, are they vegetarians? Are their stomachs in their human body, or their horse body? Only (the thought process has taken over here a bit) if they aren’t vegetarians, then their crap is really going to stink and with only human arms they won’t be able to reach to wipe. I then spent some time wondering if it would be politic for my character to ask the centuar if he had to ask another centuar to wipe for him…

    I have to say I kind of missed the whole ‘look it’s a centuar isn’t that cool’ point of that encounter.

    • If the centaur was drawn on the Greek myth then you probably didn’t want to talk to him anyway, they were utter assholes with the sole exception of Chiron.

      • No no no, they weren’t “monsters”. They were drunk rapists. The males, anyway.

        Trailer-trash centaurs!

  4. We had our share of stupid paladins like that one who tortured harmless civilians for info and wondered why his deity took away his given powers. Or that warrior who kept running clones of his character so he de-evolved into something like a NPC, just on our side – and didn’t noticed it. And then people thought I was playing bad when I had a clan mother killing off everybody considered a threat to her brood – it was only consequent to do so as a brutal matriarch to protect her line but also annoyed the other players A LOT.

    • There is a weird sort of perspective distortion that happens often in D&D. I think it comes from the players being the only “real” people at the table, which is in an of itself sort of ironically laughable.

  5. This reminds me of one of persons I used to play with he had character who tried to get everything destroyed(yes he was sorceror) once he tried to kill ‘neutral’ towards us creatures inside cave with… (was it tremor or something earth based destructive magic can’t remember) DM says 2in effect of your spell whole dungeon collapses… Start rollind endurance and reflex checks as you run towards the exit. you have 4 turns to escape.”
    me “whats the distance to exits?”
    DM “Too far”
    we all “FUCK!”

  6. Pure gold!

    I must ask though, are you trying some different kind of drawing technique? Our heroes are looking more like paintings than cartoons, not that it’s a bad thing, just sorta makes them look all grown up and serious.
    I can almost see the color in Freya’s eyes.

    • Everyone meet Matt, my new favorite reader. Don’t hate him just because I love him more than you.

      Seriously though, I never thought about it like that, but the pencil does encourage me to be a little less stylized and a little more expressive in the drawings. And since those do sound like words that painter-people use, you may be right.

  7. It’s gonna take years of therapy to get that vision of a big mean Ogre doing “naughty things” to a poor little goblin out of my head. (shiver)

  8. Interspecies erotica is hardly a new idea in D&D. Here’s a little something I wrote about wildren last week:

    From the Planar Handbook:

    “Some instead mingle with the beasts they will one day become, creating new races that are perpetually half-animal, half-humanoid. Prominent among these are the wildren, beings descended from the union of partially transformed dwarf petitioners and celestial badgers.”

    Yeah, you heard it from Wizards of the Coast first: if you’re a really good dwarf, then after you die, you get to fuck a badger.

    And they say Carcosa is transgressive. Pfah!

      • Actually, since Swillberne and Vorpine sabotaged the Golden Keg, nobody is a dwarf anymore.

        They’re all furries now, so I guess sex with a badger isn’t really all that bad for them now, is it? 😆