558 – The Council of Erias • 09


Getcher Geek on: A Retelling of The Matrix

Disclaimer: Any use of the word “Christian” below refers to all Christians other than you and people you know personally. Obviously I would never say anything bad about you guys. You guys are the best!

So I was on this web site that was talking about how the movie The Matrix was actually a Christian yarn and watching it could turn you into one, and I’m thinking “What the hell movie were you guys watching?” and wondering if someone put acid on the communion wafers. (I always wanted to do that.)

I did a little research and found out that the writers of The Matrix stole liberally from all the major world’s religions, so I guess it’s easy to see why the Christians would be confused since they usually only see the stuff they think relates to them and ignore everything else. In this case they see Keanu Reeves as Jesus, though he doesn’t even have a beard and does drugs.

So in this movie Jesus starts out as this totally normal dude until this Bald Guy in a pince-nez gives him some pills that turn him into Jesus. Then the Bald Guy teaches Jesus kung-fu so he can kick Elrond’s normal sunglasses-wearing face in.

The Bald Guy takes Jesus to the Cookie Lady who tells Jesus he’s not Jesus because that’s what he needs to hear to really be Jesus later in the movie where he kicks in Elrond’s face. (And a little kid teaches Jesus to bend a spoon.)

Later Elrond breaks the Bald Guy’s pince-nez and Jesus has to come save him, all on account of them getting betrayed by another Bald Guy with a beard… who wanted to go back to being a normal dude again like he was before the first Bald Guy gave him drugs and Elrond started trying to kill him, except now he’ll be rich and have lots of hot babes all over his furniture.

Anyway, Jesus goes to save the Bald Guy and shoots about a hundred innocent security guards but then Elrond shoots Jesus and he dies. Trinity (not “the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit” Trinity but this totally hot chick in really tight black vinyl clothes) tells all the little children that if they believe they should clap their hands and bring Jesus back to life, which they do and now Jesus is Jesus and kicks Elrond’s face in and breaks his sunglasses.

In the end Jesus flies off into the sunset to go and have lots of hot sex with Trinity, who we still hope is not the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit.

The End!

47 Responses to 558 – The Council of Erias • 09

  1. That explains much: It seems these “Christians” you refer to are the ones who don’t actually pay attention to their scripture and behave in a cargo-cult manner with regards to making motions of worship without actually putting any thought, study or will into it. You know, the ones who have no clue about humility, turn the other cheek, love thy neighbor as thyself, not judging and especially not prejudging people, etc. The ones who by rights should be ashamed of their intellectual and moral laziness, but instead decide that they are right and everyone else is wrong.
    Still, many people seem to think that it’s better to act certain about things they don’t know enough about instead of admitting their ignorance. Who among us is truly so enlightened that they have no unfounded or malformed opinions? Or perhaps an easier question: Who among us doesn’t have more ignorant opinions than informed ones? Anybody who thinks they aren’t prone to gross distortions and misinterpretations in their everyday lives is very, very wrong.

    • I was thinking about something like this the other day, wondering just how surprised I’d be if I knew the actual percentage of things I thought were true but were actually dead wrong. While I’m sure I would be, (unless I’m wrong) it would also be really exciting to have sudden access to all that truth you didn’t before.

    • I don’t remember any wiccan equivalent of hell… it’s just reincarnation and the Summerlands, right? Of course, here in Florida, Summerland might be hell. I’d rather end up in Falland or Early Springland myself.

      Unless there’s air conditioning, in which case it wouldn’t matter.

      • We do have a hell of sorts. An opposite to Summerland, Winterland. Neither is for punishment or reward, all punishment for bad deeds are supposed to be dealt out during this life or our next one, not during our time in the “underworld”.

        p.s. And that’s the reason I stub my toe every morning(jk).

  2. This is why I hated Literature in school. I read books and watch movies and never see any deeper symbolism. I’ve dabbled in writing and when I wrote, it wasn’t about conveying a message, it was about telling a story (well, more on that later). That’s why I read, too…..to enjoy the story. (Might also be why I don’t read the types of books that literature professors like to assign.) To me, the Matrix was just some really cool sci-fi (syfy?) that introduced the world to bullet-time.

    I did get rather miffed at my literature professor a time or two and wrote some poems with messages, but they were blatantly obvious. One (entitled Odd Rhyme) consisted of a list of 26 single words (except one odd entry which was two words) that rhymed in the pattern ABCDEFGHIJKLM-MLKJIHGFEDCBA. And don’t even get me started on my Haiku-u (the extra u is for the extra syllable I added, obviously). I dared him to tell me that they weren’t poems. I was so “rebellious”…………ok, not really.

  3. I dislike the churches that take individual verses and use them, totally ignoring the context that they came from. Kind of like taking one part out of a book or a movie and saying it’s god like……hey that’s what we are talking about here. The Bible, The Torah, and The Quran all were written in parable form. That means that you can’t just take one verse and run with it if you haven’t read the whole parable. I have friends that don’t understand why I can’t believe like them and I asked one time. Have you ever read the Bible all the way through, not just nitpicked? They couldn’t give me a straight answer. I study religions on the side and since most religious books talk about everything from the creation to the end of days, it’s hard not to write or direct something that isn’t going to have a general feel of “I bet I could find an explanation in the bible”. People need to remember that there is entertainment and religion. Sometimes they go together, but most of the time entertainment should never be mistaken for anything more than a good time.

    • I have read the bible, beginning to end. I came away thinking it read like a bronze age guide to things we don’t really understand. Like rainbows exist because god made a promise to Noah and crap like that.

  4. I’m currently reading thru the Bible (KJV) try and get of list of what it REALLY says. I’ve yet to find a verse that says ‘Thou shalt not have pre-marital sex.’ The again, I havn’t gotten very far. Is seriously dry reading if your reading it to crossexamine the rules.
    There is the rule about ‘Thou shalt not commit adultry’. But, according to Webster, ‘adultry’ is ‘engaging in sexual intercourse with a person who is not your spouse.’ So as long as you aren’t married, you’re fine…. if you are married… well, Genesis establishes pretty firmly that poligmy is just fine. Two wives, three, knock yourself out. Just don’t have sex with anyone you aren’t married to.

  5. The Matrix really should have just stopped at 1. It was a beatiful, on the edge piece of filmmaking, with enough philosophy to make it seem really deep and mysterious. Aaaaaand then….. splat! They went and crapped out 2 and 3, which destroyed all the beauty and mystery of #1 and turned it into an over-philosophized snore-fest with some action sequences thrown in just to wake up the audience. The whole religion thing went totally overboard, and the various “what is reality” arguments made my widdle bwain hurt. I dubbed the whole mess: “the Wachowski Manifesto”
    Therefore- Matrix #1- genious. By all means see it.
    If you like it, then whatever you do- stop there. Proceed at your own risk. If you enjoy special effects, watch them all, but I’d recommend turning the volume on mute. You won’t be missing anything. I speak from experience.
    Strangely enough I feel the same way about Highlander- really shoulda just stopped at ONE.

  6. Tony? Tony the… tiger? Ah I get it now. LOL! Dats funny. I guess for legal purposes he’s Tony the Rakshasa?

  7. Nice recap Kevin. But let’s not forget part 3 where Jesus voluntarily walks into Rome and allows himself to be tentacle raped in a crucifix position as part of a deal with the Devil to save humanity / keep them enslaved by merging with Elrond and destroying him. Wow it’s hard to say all that stuff in a grammatically correct sentence; you must have worked on that. Anyway I would say part 3 has some Christian parallels but B5 did it first and it was fine. More importantly ACCORDING TO THE TVTROPES.ORG EXECUTIVE MEDDLING ARTICLE (it’s all true kids):
    The ORIGINAL plot said the purpose of the Matrix was to create a super computer comprised of a huge network of human brains that was mostly used to run… the Matrix. OK when I say it like that it does sound confusing. The execs thought nobody would understand that so they went with that dumbass humans-as-batteries thing. Anyway I think the real concept is MUCH cooler and also an excellent description of exactly how our little alley of the Multiverse works. Damn I wanna see The Men Who Stare At Goats.

    • “The ORIGINAL plot said the purpose of the Matrix was to create a super computer comprised of a huge network of human brains that was mostly used to run… the Matrix. OK when I say it like that it does sound confusing. The execs thought nobody would understand that so they went with that dumbass humans-as-batteries thing.”

      It was? That makes a hell of a lot more sense…. in fact, that was exactly what I was suspecting why the machines went to all this trouble, breeding humans and keepign them sane: to use their brains as processors. Because in the end, the Matrix was went for the machines and programmes, not humanity.

      The battery plot, on the other hand, makes no sense because it breaks thermodynamics. In a closed system like that, you put more energy into it to keep the humans alive than you get out, not to mention breaking down the dead into molecules and using them as food for the living does not work in the long run. The machines are solar powered, but boohoo the sky is dark what shall we do?? What, they never figured out nuclear power? Or orbital satellites and beaming energy down to the surface via microwave? Meh. 🙄

      • Ah but that was the SECOND ORIGINAL script. In the FIRST ORIGINAL script, the Matrix was the name of a giant robot that kept a glass jar full of candy-coated humans on his desk and ate them all day, yelling at his giant robot secretary whenever the jar got empty. It was changed because the giant robot boss was a film studio executive and the REAL film studio executive thought that it was an unfair portrayal, since he only ate chocolate covered kittens out of his glass jar, and not humans at all.

  8. While rather ridiculous in my opinion as a Christian, I think the motives of people who try to find Christian messages in movies and books, are an attempt to repair some of the damage of the. . .wingnuts, who go all “Oh Noes, Harry Potter Be EVULZ! EVULZ I sayz!”. So in that sense, it can be considered a generally a good thing. A better thing, in my opinion, is to take movies, as movies.
    The Matrix was an awesome movie, which sadly had no sequels. I repeat, No Sequals.

    • It’s an inherent part of human nature to bend logic to its will.

      Wingnuts are everywhere. Christian fundies, Islam fundies, Pelorite fundies (hoo boy, Pelorite fundies!), Buddhist fundies (aka, Shaolin monks!), Shinto fund…erm, nationalists

      They exist because of that. Humanity is akin to adapt to a simple explanation and embrace it with fiery determination (sometimes, too much of a fiery determination, at times refusing to accept alternatives. Those who doesn’t either simply don’t care or are prone to ever growing, complex machinations to replace or embrace as belief.

      …Mmm…how would rasta fundies be? Force everyone to worship Haile Selassie under threat of ganja?

  9. meh… I hate these under-the-comic comments and rants that force me to post

    on the Matrix: as a computer geek myself i sorta did enjoy the trilogy (yes, yes, including the sequels) …computer-heavy, nice action scenes, bullet-time, monica bellucci, hugo weaving… whats not to like? (okay, a LONG list there, but bare with me) …however, it was hardly original, both Dark City and Equilibrium explored similar themes and did so more successfully in my opinion

    on Christians(TM): honestly? if most believers in the abrahamic god knew exactly what sort of deity they worship and what is -really- in their sacred texts, they would be appalled and disgusted by the sheer immorality of it. sorry kids, the whole “love thy neighbour” thing? many philosophies and religions have said that, long before christianity was even a hint of a cult (and again, far more successfully) …so basically, all the bigoted narrow-minded militant Christians(TM) are actually pretty spot on with their bronze age mentality

    • I have read the Bible, thank you, and much of it is appalling. But times change. Woman in most churches don’t wear a veil, I quite enjoy a glass of milk with my ham and cheese sandwich, and I will walk as much as I like on Saturday or Sunday.
      That stuff is not important. If you follow it, then it’s good to follow it. But the important parts are to love your God, and love your neighbour, AKA Everybody.
      Everything else is addendum, the Bible 33333.5 Errata.

  10. No no no, it’s not ripping off Catholic Christianity, it’s ripping off Gnosticism! (Just like every Gothic Punk roleplaying game.) Oh wait, you were being sarcastic. 😆

    [rant] I liked Matrix part 1 and 2, because the story still made sense then, but then part 3 came around and… what the hell? Did someone accidentally leave half the movie on the cutting room floor so they had to reshoot some more big-ass fight scenes instead to pad it out? I was told I had to play the “inofficial 4th part” a.k.a. the video game to “get it”. Thanks but no, movies should stand on their own; I refuse to have to play a video game for the missing backstory. And anyway, I “got it” (the underlying mythology, the Architect monologue) well enough, thanks, I have Joseph Campbell, Spencer’s The Golden Bough and other works on religion, mythologies and folklore sitting in my library. It’s just that my husband and I got the feeling that the Whatstheirname Brothers who did the Matrix trilogy wanted to be all cool and mysterious and geeky, and when too many fans figured out the logical end to the story, based on everything that had happened in the first two parts, they rewrote part 3 just to spite us. [/rant]

    • Y’know, that is exactly the way I took it.

      “It makes sense to do it this way, so that’s what everyone will be expecting. I know! Let’s do something stupid instead!”

  11. I agree that, if The Matrix was intended to be a Christian allegory, it’s a pretty poor one. It’s a much better movie when considered as a standard action movie that tries to work in a bit of pop philosophy.

    I admit I once decided to stop viewing your comic because I was getting very tired of you making fun of my religion at every opportunity (it seems divine casters in your comic don’t fare much better, and they aren’t even Christians). However, I’ve recently decided that I wouldn’t be one of those jerks who only listened to people I agreed with, and your comic happens to be rather funny. Your fervor for D&D seems similar to my own. I might as well enjoy your comic and hope your inevitable departure to burn in Hell is delayed as long as possible… (insert smiley here).

    • It’s a strange line for me as well. While I consider religion writ large to be a delusion, I have to come to terms with the fact that on average, it’s a delusion that 84% of my viewers share. That means that any time I discuss this topic… about which I feel passionately… I am insulting the beliefs of most of the people who read my comic. To make up for it I at least try to be funny, and pointedly only address the serious whack-a-doos.

      It might help if I explain why I feel it’s a big deal. Accepting we’ll never come to terms on god, (you can’t have a functional argument where one guy is talking faith and the other guy is talking logic) we’ll leave that aside. For expediency we’ll just say I don’t believe in god. Given that, I try to weigh whether I believe religion, false or not, is harmful or helpful. Religion has inspired plenty of good works, but I also believe that people (even atheists) want to help one another, and that probably the same number of good works would have found a different way to be inspired without it. Religion has also inspired an endless host of unthinkable atrocities, though in fairness, I believe that these were really the result of corrupt men in positions of power… and religion has no lock on that.

      So I am left looking at two things. One is monetary waste. People think that they’re doing good just for giving money to a church, when in truth any dollar they give would be better spent almost anywhere else. The second (and most destructive socially) is the belief in an afterlife. Nothing in history has ever allowed humans more license to treat each other more rudely, callously, or with more casual barbarism that the thought that they were acting towards some unseen and unknowable force that would be happy with them if they did so.

      Sounds evil to me.

      • Sadly, many people use religion as a reason for fighting. It’s not the real reason. Power, plain and simple. I have always said that you get 5 people together you have a discussion, 25 people together and you have tension, 50 people together you have factions, and 100 or more and you have religious politics, lol.
        There was a time when churches were more than a place to worship. They were havens from the outside world. Now, most churches are places that we feel we must go to feel like we are living our lives right. But if aren’t going to live the same life all the time, not just on Sunday, then you are just wasting your time.
        We as humans will cling to anything that makes us feel more powerful and who can make us feel more powerful than God. Do I believe in God, yes, I have seen too many miracles in my life to not believe. I also have reasons for why we toil and suffer on this planet. It has nothing to do with God, but free will. We have the choice to ruin our lives. Humans make pollution, create weapons of mass destruction, Live in places that we know are dangerous to live. Most of the illnesses that we have today can be attributed to these kind of things.
        Wow, I became kinda preachy there.
        I am a pretty mellow guy, I have friends that are of all different types from atheists to Buddhists to Followers of Islam. Sometimes I try to talk them into the way I think and vice versa, but we also respect the right to disagree. That is more powerful than any position in any place of power in my opinion.

  12. After reading everyone’s posts on the topic, I noticed a disturbing trend. Many of you refuse to admit that the Matrix had two awful, AWFUL sequels. Isn’t that a bit like tearing pages out of the bible that you disagree with? That’s about as close as I can get to comparing the Matrix to the bible though. Liked the first one, hated the second one, thought the third one should have been called DragonBall Z, and never read the bible cause I don’t care.

    • Tim- most of us see it as there was The Matrix. Then you had Money Movies. You know like the movies that Disney does after they have a blockbuster. Those are usually released straight to video. Well these Money Movies should have been. Literally the only reason to watch them in the theater (From my point of view) was the CGI effects.

  13. Meh. I agree that the sequels were pretty lame. I’m a christian and I STILL don’t see the movie as a pro-christianity film, or even referring to christianity at all. Trust me that those guys are a splinter group and should not be held as an example of christianity in general. I mean, you might as well say that Raimi’s [i]Army of Darkness[/i] is symbolic of Jesus’ rampage through Hell while he was dead. It makes exactly the same amount of sense, which is none at all.