Getcher Geek on: A Retelling of The Matrix
Disclaimer: Any use of the word “Christian” below refers to all Christians other than you and people you know personally. Obviously I would never say anything bad about you guys. You guys are the best!
So I was on this web site that was talking about how the movie The Matrix was actually a Christian yarn and watching it could turn you into one, and I’m thinking “What the hell movie were you guys watching?” and wondering if someone put acid on the communion wafers. (I always wanted to do that.)
I did a little research and found out that the writers of The Matrix stole liberally from all the major world’s religions, so I guess it’s easy to see why the Christians would be confused since they usually only see the stuff they think relates to them and ignore everything else. In this case they see Keanu Reeves as Jesus, though he doesn’t even have a beard and does drugs.
So in this movie Jesus starts out as this totally normal dude until this Bald Guy in a pince-nez gives him some pills that turn him into Jesus. Then the Bald Guy teaches Jesus kung-fu so he can kick Elrond’s normal sunglasses-wearing face in.
The Bald Guy takes Jesus to the Cookie Lady who tells Jesus he’s not Jesus because that’s what he needs to hear to really be Jesus later in the movie where he kicks in Elrond’s face. (And a little kid teaches Jesus to bend a spoon.)
Later Elrond breaks the Bald Guy’s pince-nez and Jesus has to come save him, all on account of them getting betrayed by another Bald Guy with a beard… who wanted to go back to being a normal dude again like he was before the first Bald Guy gave him drugs and Elrond started trying to kill him, except now he’ll be rich and have lots of hot babes all over his furniture.
Anyway, Jesus goes to save the Bald Guy and shoots about a hundred innocent security guards but then Elrond shoots Jesus and he dies. Trinity (not “the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit” Trinity but this totally hot chick in really tight black vinyl clothes) tells all the little children that if they believe they should clap their hands and bring Jesus back to life, which they do and now Jesus is Jesus and kicks Elrond’s face in and breaks his sunglasses.
In the end Jesus flies off into the sunset to go and have lots of hot sex with Trinity, who we still hope is not the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit.