536 – Hunting the Hunter: 03

536

About… oh… eight or nine months ago Lena and I went out looking for driftwood to put in our new aquariums. We found lots of cool pieces, Florida being a swampy place, and we began treating the wood according to a well-respected aquarium book we had purchased for just such esoteric information. It took about three weeks, and seemed excessively thorough.

This morning Lena found a fiddler crab in her tank. All of the fish are big and the crab poses no particular threat, so she let it be. But still, it was an oddity.

Maybe Walt Disney’s head is frozen in an underground bunker along with Hitler and Howard Hughes and Serpentor of COBRA, but I bet he won’t get as much milage as that little crab got out of that piece of driftwood.

The Wednesday Video

This is my favorite piece of religious celebration ever. In it, we sing happily over the idea that god is going to come and kill us and take us back to heaven where we will no longer have access to anything good for breakfast.

This video is just a bit over five minutes long, and while it’s entertaining throughout, you’ve probably got the idea after the first minute to minute and a half. Although the list of things that god isn’t going to let us eat is inventive and funny, (and watching the stoned-looking woman swaying from side to side is eerily hypnotic) if you watch the whole 5 minutes you will get the very repetitive tune stuck in your head until the next time you wash the inside of skull out with boiling coffee.

Here’s your video. I’ll be at Starbucks.

21 Responses to 536 – Hunting the Hunter: 03

  1. All this piety has worked up a nice appetite for me. On a serious note, though: “no more beef steaks”?! Really? For breakfast? Not to mention the gravy *shudder*

    Remember, folks, eat a healthy breakfast or you’ll end up using your barely adequate voice to sing about nutriligion on TV.

    • I’d guess they’re from the south. I grew up in (north) Louisiana (so I’m not a Cajun) and I know people who have had each of those items for breakfast. Biscuits and Gravy can be found on many a menu around there. I’d eat almost any of it, myself (not a big fan of grits; they taste “gritty”).

  2. I love me some grits, but “beef stew” for breakfast is a slice beyond the pale.

    Just watched the video again, (I’m a glutton for punishment) and I’ve figured a few things out. First, I’m fairly certain he is singing to either an enormous cue card, or a karaoke machine. The karaoke option would also explain the rich band sound they manage to get from all those unattended musical instruments in the background.

    Also, I think I know why the woman looks so depressed. While he may be excited about having nothing but the Word o’ God to eat for the coming eternity, (it’s a cheap Cream of Wheat knock-off) I think she’s a little less enthused about no mo’ biscuits.

    I’m right there with you, ma’am.

  3. Yeah. The story about Lena’s aquarium. There’s a joke in there somewhere. Something about thoroughly cleaning your wood so you don’t end up with crabs …

      • I say that Ron needs to take a do-over, the delivery was off. Then again, I am a relentlessly picky guy with most joke delivery so feel free to shout me down on that.

        • Meh. Wasn’t trying to make the joke – merely suggesting that the material was there for one. To be honest, I didn’t think it was funny enough to put in more effort than I did.

  4. Alright, alright, I guess I have to treat both subjects then.
    If someone gives me a decent Charlton Heston mask for inspiration I promise to attempt the accent/style as hilariously as possible when I say, “You can take my Steak and Eggs when you pry it from my cold, dead, jaws!”
    And because it’s really not fair to criticize joke delivery without being willing (at least once in a while) to demonstrate your own ineptitude (or potential lack thereof) with it:

    Looks like Lena hasn’t been polishing her wood often enough, or at least not using enough of the right kind of polish. Not me, I know I have to polish my wood just right–use enough force but not too much–and do it twice a day, always making sure to use enough polish. If you do it right it might make a mess but it is really worth it and failing to do it often enough or long enough is a tragedy that is far too common. Remember kids, don’t skimp on polishing your wood, no matter what your friends or family might say. If they don’t understand how vital it is you just have to make sure to get some privacy first.

  5. So I took that as a challenge and watched the whole thing. I just really hope for that guy’s sake that he dies in the morning. Otherwise he’s gonna have a hearty breakfast of beef stew and gravy, then kick it and be all “Son of a bitch!” while waiting in line at the pearly gates. Tsk tsk.

  6. I find all religion silly — some practices are more silly than others, obviously. I’ve heard audio of this all over the place but never knew there was an associated video. The video adds a whole new dimension of ridiculousness.

    I chortled the whole way through. But when I heard “no mo cap’n crunch” I think I may have ruptured something in my gut. I thought, “they’re not about to rattle off a long list of cereals, are they?” Sure enough, though, they did just that, one after another… and I just kept laughing harder and harder.

    Oh, what a way to start the day! Aside from the burst organ in my belly, of course. Thanks for that.

  7. They shall shave neither the hair on their heads nor their beards. It’s in Leviticus, next to the stuff about gay people being bad. So remember, if you shave, it’s as bad as being gay! Also married people need to pay a Rabbi to sacrifice a dove every time they have sex. Either Moses got senile at the end or bureaucrats were rubber stamping his name onto things. And congrats to that crab he deserves a cool name. Oh yeah shellfish are another forbidden food.