529 – Getting on with It: 01

529

Okay, I gave it a shot, but I still need to do more to cut back on how much time I’m spending with the comic. I love doing this, but I have to reconcile the fact that this pays nothing and keeps me from other projects that do pay. For the foreseeable future I’m going back to three comics a week, Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. I kinda hate it, but you do whatcha gotta. At least this way I don’t have to give up on it entirely, and I still get to spend time with you guys… which is the best part of the experience.

Thanks for hanging out with me.

So! The Monday Question!

I once took a girlfriend who was less mentally gifted than most to Disney World’s Universal Studios for a day of fun and frolic. (She was cute, I was young… sue me.) We hadn’t been going out for long and had yet to get busy in the sack together. As we came off of Star Tours and were directed to exit through the gift shop, (classy, Disney) she had to run to the little girls’ room. Before she did however, she made a fuss over a stuffed ewok that she thought was adorable. Seeing an opportunity, I bought the ewok while she was gone, hid it in our bags of other stuff, and waited for her outside the shop. I didn’t mention it until we were back at my apartment, where I took it out and presented it to her. As I handed her the ewok I leaned in close and breathed “I want to make love to you.” into her ear.

The way to a man’s heart may be through his stomach, but the way into a woman’s pants is through her plushy.

So the question is this; what is the goofiest/stupidest/most embarrassing thing you have ever done or said to have sex… or if it’s better, what is the goofiest/stupidest/most embarrassing thing you have ever had to endure at the hands of someone trying to have sex with you? I already showed you mine, now show me yours!

50 Responses to 529 – Getting on with It: 01

  1. I call shenanigans. It only counts as a stupid/etc. thing if it DOESN’T get the nookie. Therefore this story is not showing your cards at all sir.

    Not.
    At.
    All.

    😛

    • Well, since I find the whole thing terribly embarrassing, I have to disagree. Interestingly enough, telling all of you helps to make it much easier to laugh about.

      (Edit) I looked back over my post and I think that the story does exactly what it was intended to do, which was to tell a story relating an occasion of me propositioning someone for sex that I am embarrassed about. Whether or not that sex was had is completely immaterial. (And trust me, if you had a two-minute conversation with the girl in question, you’d realize that this was yet one more thing to be embarrassed about.)

      So I call shenanigans on you sir, for reading the post and then claiming that it isn’t something it was not intended to be.

      Like, duh.

      • Fine. Then I call shenanigans. You ask us to post about the most embarrassing thing we’ve ever done to get laid, and all you can offer is “I bought a stupid girl a plush ewok”?

        Surely there must be something more embarrassing than that? 😉

        • You’re kidding me. You think the ewok is the embarrassing part?

          I bought a girl a stuffed toy and told her I wanted to “make love” to her. It still makes me gag!

          • I dunno, man. While I admit using “make love” might be a little embarrassing, saying that it’s the most embarrassing thing you’ve ever said/done is pretty weak. 😕

          • Clearly, then, we have vastly different standards for what qualifies as “embarrassing.”

            Or you’re just holding out on us. 😉

          • Hmm. Okay.

            Perhaps I should have said “we obviously have different opinions of what we should be embarrassed by.”

            Or something like that.

          • Dammit. I hate to say this, but I did think of something more embarrassing.

            I was at a party flirting with this girl, and she left, telling me to follow her home in my truck. I was parked in my friend’s front yard, and it had been raining. I left twin trenches where my tires dug up the grass leading straight to a palm tree, which I backed into at full speed and cracked the back of my head on the back wall of the cabin.

            Drunk and concussed I managed to drive to her house, where I wobbled into her living room and passed out, falling to the floor as she was trying to kiss me. She was drunk enough to think it was funny instead of calling an ambulance… but I did wake up the next day, so I guess all’s well that ends well.

            I hope you’ll forgive me for not remembering that. Most of it was pieced together over the next few days from different friends’ accounts.

            And to satisfy TomaO2, absolutely no sex was had that night.

  2. I’ve been offered money for sex by a tranny hooker.
    Not much more to tell about the story except for the few events leading up and people who for years after told me I should’ve taken the money.

      • I was pinch-hitting as a security guard at the time, on the verge of ejecting him (her) from the property.
        I swear, the truly weird stuff you learn and do as a systems-dev consultant…. 😯

    • Orangutan Bob – if you might explain this a bit, I’d be most appreciated.

      I had this (or something similar) happen to me once. A friend of a friend was staying at my apartment and sleeping on the sofa. I was young and stupid and got tricked into it. I was uncomfortable, so I left the friend alone in my apartment while I spent the evening with other friends. When I came home he was standing naked in my living room. When he saw the look on my face, he was embarrassed and covered himself up with his hands. I gave him a disgusted look and locked myself in my bedroom until he left the next morning (Yes. I should have left the apartment. But, remember: young. stupid.). All night he wanted to talk about it and was constantly at the door begging forgiveness and for me to let him in (I guess that was tactic #2). I didn’t budge. He finally left leaving a few items in my apartment – which I promptly threw out the front door on the walkway. Never saw him again.

      What tool.

      So, is this a version of “the naked man tactic”?

  3. … what is the goofiest/stupidest/most embarrassing thing you have ever done or said to have sex … ?

    “Hi. My name is Ron.”

    • The ability to say that with a straight face is either awesome or pathetic. I need more details to decide which one of the two doesn’t apply (or if they both apply).

  4. True stories:

    1) A neighborhood crackhead (literally) somehow got the idea that I was into him and offered me $50 to have sex with him. When I said no, he offered me $100. When I still refused, he asked how much it would take. At the time I was deeply offended, but thought about it later in different terms: I’m not sure about the price of crack, but I would assume $50 to $100 could get you quite a bit. So this guy was willing to give up all that crack, just to sleep with me. From that perspective, I was almost flattered.

    2) me: “No, I just got off work and I need to shower. I smell like pancakes.” him: “I like pancakes.” I am terribly embarased to admit that yes, I did have sex with him. And it was AWFUL. Big surprise, eh? What makes it even worse was that the next morning he was bragging to his roommates/our mutual friends that he “folded me like patio furniture” and “made me cry like a 2 yr old.” I can only claim Lena’s excuse above: I was young and stupid. And he was incredibly hot. And HUNG. 🙂

    3) “I play DnD. Wanna go back to my place and watch Batman Beyond: Return of the Joker?” (not an exact quote) I didn’t have sex with him that night after our first date, but I did eventually, and I’ve never regretted it. 😀

    • #1) Proof that you can put a positive spin on almost anything.

      #2) Can’t say I blame him – who doesn’t like pancakes?

      #3) That guy sounds like a real stud. I wish I was as cool as him.

    • 1) This is why I always go with the gut reaction initially. And only after removing myself from the situation think of positives. 🙂

      2) Hehe. I love pancakes too. Wait he was hung and it was awful? Yikes, no wonder he’s single. 😛

      3) Can’t say that a guy ever told me in the beginning prior to the first date about DnD, RP, or gaming. Video gaming yes. Usually from my experience guys hold off til the 2nd or 3rd. But hey as long as you had fun that all that matters. 🙂

    • #1: Crack is usually pretty cheap, but some crackheads master the art of being conmen before disintegrating into a fully useless idiot or dying. Perhaps it was a scam to get into your apartment to steal shit.

      #2: If this is as bad as it gets, at least your stupid still-immature mistakes with “romance” didn’t land you with permanent scars or a criminal record or anything like that. Count your blessings.
      Funny fact: Of the girls worst at sex I’ve *ahem* known, they tended to be either particularly attractive or unattractive.

      #3: Careful about geek self-esteem issues. These may or may not be easier to tolerate than the machismo-style, ‘I am your living god so worship me,” self-esteem issues I’ve heard women endlessly complain about from male non-geeks (which I figure serves them right for dating peacocks dressed up in human skin).

  5. “Love” has always been an activity that my girl and I shared through pure emotion and physical, the thought of actually asking through words just felt kind of dirty and almost boring. This lead to many ways of asking, from stupid fun things that couples do in their rooms, to touching those right buttons all day long just to get the other begging for it by the end of the day.

    So my most embarassing moment… simply… I asked.

    Now you see this is embarassing to me because we vowed never to be the couple that sat and never spoke in a restaurant, or made plans to have sex because it lost its romance, the thought of asking if it was OK or not felt like a betrayal to our emotions.

    …or maybe she just trained me well. 😛

    • You said it yourself.
      Truth be told though, if she recognizes and accepts your needs too–as opposed to you having to bribe and beg for it and never getting it without paying a toll–this can totally work.

    • There is nothing wrong with asking for sex from your partner, as long as they feel comfortable telling you no, and you can hear it without feeling rejected. People put a lot of weird pressures on themselves by coming up with all kinds of goofy rules and ideas about love and sex that can add real strain to their relationships. Sex doesn’t always have to be spontaneous and love alone will never be enough to make a relationship work. (That’s where commitment comes into the picture.) Realistically assessing your situation and being willing to act on that assessment is what will give you a happy and successful relationship.

      This is all separate from romance, which comes primarily from paying close attention to your partner, being sensitive to their needs, and surprising them in some way by how well you can read their desires. It sounds a little dry in the telling, but it’s wonderful in the doing.

      • Ah good point, I guess we view our love life as a romance rather than a pure physical activity. Honestly it is simply that much more enjoyable to have that strong emotional bond… there is just a certain satisfaction you get.

        • Without that bond you don’t have the foundation of the relationship… but it’s just the foundation. The relationship is so much more than that. I think maybe we’re talking past each other a little bit here. I’m not saying that anything you have is wrong in any way. It’s really great. All I’m saying is that if you want to keep what you have, you will need to develop practical, less etheric means of doing so.

  6. Not really stupid/embarassing…more violent and shocking…
    Just started working at a BigLots. Met this girl working in furniture. First words out of my mouth:
    “Hey, you’re Jess, right? My cousin works with you at the group home. She says I’m supposed to hate you because you’re a spiteful, vindictive, retarded blonde ____ who wouldn’t know the truth if it beat you to death with a baseball bat. I think you’re kinda cute though…Guess first impressions are everything, huh?” *did a cute little blush/smile combo and scratched my head*
    TOTALLY worked. I felt like a champion.

    **Edited the C word, because I didn’t know what the language barrier was like here.**

  7. Is there a language barrier here? Never noticed. Wasn’t really embarassing or stupid, but my favorite way to being asked for sex was from a Japanese exchange student I dated once. The day before she had to go back to Japan we were hanging out in my room and she leans in real close and says “So. What do you want to do?” While giving me that look. You know the one. Bout three seconds later our clothes were on the floor. Good times. That was the only time we had sex though. Oh well.

  8. As a former 70s college student, there were times when girls actually asked ME for sex… yes, me. Here’s a silly one:

    A girl from one of my classes was at the library and we decided to study together. Study. At the library. There were reports of girls being harrassed by local boys so it was suggested girls be escorted back to their dorms by a guy. So, being a guy, she asked me to walk her back to her dorm. We were talking about general stuff… no come-on lines of any type. Suddenly, out of no where she states “I bet you’re good in bed.” I was stunned… how did she know? Stupidly my gut reaction was this “Probably, but you’re not going to find out.” Shocker. I turned her down. I was a freshman and still had all those “guilty” thoughts my parents had for years embedded in my brain that you didn’t “do that” to girls unless you were married.

    Happily, I got over those thoughts quickly, but not in time for that poor girl. But, not long after that a girl hit on me while we were in line waiting to pick up refrigerators for our dorm rooms. My roommate ended up getting the refrigerator as he couldn’t figure out how I had managed to “forget” to pick it up. 🙂

  9. Of failed-date-techniques:

    As I was a young stud and was enjoying a fab evening at a bar with some of my friends, a MILF approached and tried to seduce me. She was not that ugly but totally not that kind of woman to float my boat. She was drunk and getting more and more desperate to get me hooked. And then she accidentally mentioned her husband who seemed to be a jeaulous psychopath by what she was telling and she didn’t know his whereabouts after they had a violent marital row just before she dropped in into the bar…
    Now, that’s just what you want – a wacky drunk on your lap while her bloodthirsty cuckold runs down the frontdoor.
    I tried to decline her offer as politely as possible but she had to be dragged off by the police (the bartender called the cops in because of “sexual assault on a customer”). While my friends had a good laugh on my expense, I felt a bit pity for the poor lady after all…

  10. Two stories… this is going to be a long one…

    When i was 12 I moved from the countryside with 27 km to the nearest light regulated crosssing, to the capital city in Denmark, and everything was different… the people, the customs and especially me! Trying to get the feel of this “metropol”, whitch is small (1.1 mill people) in comparison with some of the huge cities in other countries, i took to wander the streets in the center of the city… One day i was approached by a fellow, standing with a city map, and asked for directions. Feeling flattered that i looked like a “city-dweller”, i chatted a little with the fellow, age maybe 30, and discovered that he, like me, was from the countryside and feeling a little intimidated by this caos of impressions. He suggested that we took a soda at a place, and this was fine! He was a photografer, and took several pictures of me, suggesting that i should come with him to his atelier for some serious shooting, especially if i was accepting being in the nude and in intimate contact with him! I smelled the smoke, bailed out and left…
    Some 10 years later, the lesbian little sister of my girlfriend turns 18, and she throws a party at the hottest gay-bar in town, and somehow i get this queasy feeling about being there… suddenly i realize that i have been there before – the subject of a pickup attempt by a pedofile “photografer”… ew!

    This girlfriend and i split up, and somehow it was possible to score another by complaining about how sad it was for me to be alone… And i’m still together with this one these 14 years later! Get that… !?
    But… shortly after I met her, I went to this university party, lots and lots of young people, summer time and girls with pretty dresses… I did’nt feel to attacthed to my new catch and my eye caught this girl and i chatted her up. Being an archologist is not bringing a lot of snappy phrases, but somehow she accepted my presence, not too inviting but liking the attention – sounds familiar??? I spend several hours with good conversation, cold beer, blue sky and this adorable thing, trying to steal a kiss and make something out of it! As it approches the time most people get up in the morning, i decided to pack up and leave, saying my goodbyes after thanking her for a wonderfull night – despite everything it WAS quite a pleasant way to spend an evening… And at THAT time she plays her cards, suggesting that i come home with her and “sleep over”! Having made up my mind, i sadly refused her, tried to kiss her again (witch she would’nt!) and went home …
    Unfortunately, some of my friends later talked about the party in presence of my girlfriend, and mentioned that i was seen taking to this girl (STUPID!) … and to this day, the now mother of my three children still refuses to believe that nothing happened – despite my best efforts and intentions, both to convince her otherwise and that night at the party. But i might just as well had slept with her since i get the blame anyway…

    • I can understand how you might feel that way… but what if you’d caught a disease and brought it home to her? How much worse would you feel then? Laying aside the cheating dimension (One night of anything is never worth the rest of your life with your spouse. That’s just bad math.) you still did the right thing in refusing, even if it wasn’t your original intention.

  11. You have a point – but considering that i met the mother of my children just a few weeks prior to this party-flirt, i think of it as going to horse-racing… Not really knowing enough to know witch horse to bet on as the winner!

    And still – The chance of catching something nasty is basically a matter of condoms… It is not just up to the woman to prevent unwantet pregnancy, but as you say also a sexual transmitted desease-matter … So protect yourself! Everytime! It’s like brushing your teeth every evening – something that should come naturally and each and every time… Hear that, kids? 😉

  12. heh…. HEHEHE. Well. I got unexpectedly and unbelievably drunk with some pretty skeezy guys… and it was basically their fault, as they later told me that they sneakily managed to get 1/4 litres of vodka into me. And after that I don’t remember much, though what happened was that I basically climbed onto one of them I was attracted to and told him to have sex with me? I’m not sure, I can’t remember.

    Actually it’s incredibly mortifying and awful to think about to this day. There were some more embarrassing happenings that evening, but we won’t discuss them here 😛

    ETA: I also had a very low alcohol tolerance at age 17, when this happened (don’t judge please, sex is way different in my country, the legal age is admittedly too low at 14, but… yeah), so whereas a quarter of a vodka-litre might not make me throw-up-black-out-rape-someone drunk, it’ll still screw me over pretty bad 😀