528 – Walk on the Wild Side: 05


VOTE FOR HOLE! I’m not trying to be pushy or anything but VOTE FOR HOLE!

Bar Cop

Anthony Abbate, a 40 year old, 250 pound Chicago cop, went drinking at a local bar one night. After he had consumed a few too many, the bartender, 125 pound Karolina Obrycka, cut him off. Anthony responded by beating the hell out of the woman… which was taped in it’s entirety by the bar’s security camera. During the trial both Karolina and the bar owner reported threats called into them, including harassment of customers and the planting of illegal drugs so that they would both be thrown in prison. Cook County Circuit Judge John Fleming sentenced Anthony with probation, anger management, a curfew, and community service. The maximum sentence for aggravated battery would have been 5 years in prison. Karolina lost her job, being too fearful to continue working as a bartender.

Rogue Lama

Osel Hita Torres was chosen by the Dalai Lama at the tender age of 15 months as the reincarnated soul of the deceased Lama Yeshe. Osel was taken from his family, raised as a guru to the Buddhist people, and venerated within the religion. At the age of 24, Osel had finally had enough, and took his ball and went home, angry over the perceived theft of his youth. No word yet on whether or not Yeshe has found another innocent to possess.

Gay, But Not So Queer

According to the author of a 2006 study on the subject, every species of animal on the planet that has sex, exhibits homosexual behaviors. The study looked at 1,500 species, and concluded that contrary to previous thought that animals had sex only to reproduce, most animals enjoy having sex, and will do it recreationally with whomever is at hand… or paw. Homosexual activity is even an important survival mechanism in animals with more complex herd and pack social structures where sex can replace violence as different groups of animals first meet and… get to know one another. It happens a lot, it happens everywhere, and if you believe in god, it’s really hard not to believe it wasn’t his idea.

20 Responses to 528 – Walk on the Wild Side: 05

  1. #3. A male dog will hump a human man’s leg and love it. So apparently animals are into gay bestiality. Dolphins RAPE people, regardless of gender. Any species will stick it anywhere there is a hole. At least the males will. The females tend to adopt stray children of other species. Everything else is just imposing our views on nature so that we can look really stupid.
    #2. I thought each Dali Llama was a reincarnation of the last, is it more complicated than that?
    #1. I saw that video of that cop like a year ago and it was already surrounded by stories of things the cops had done to squash the case. We live in a VERY dangerous police state. Accept it, and be very polite.

    • #2: In Vajrayana-Buddhism, “Lama” merely means “teacher”. So there are many lamas around. The reincarnation angle means there are many tulkus, reincarnated wise men, around. The Dalai Lama and the Panchen Lama are merely the most famous.

  2. #2 EVERYONE and EVERYTRHING is supposedly a reincarnation of something else. Dog, cat, bug, whale, Lama, llama, whatever. The exception comes when someone reaches nirvana, and breaks free from the cycle of reincarnation, and rises to a higher plane of existance.
    Think there’s also an exception where someone is so utterly bad they break the cycle and become a demon, but not sure on that.
    Also not sure, if souls keep breaking out of the cycle and moving to other planes, is the number of souls in teh world slowly decreasing, or are they replaced somehow? Never found someone able to give a real answer.

    • The representation of karma is most often given as a wheel, (or pie, for even easier understanding.) The wheel is kept spinning by Yama, the great beast who acts as a sort of celestial Pat Sajak.

      Each section of the wheel, or piece of pie, is a different state of being for your atman. (Atman is your “self,” and is the result of you not being in the loop, spiritually speaking. In a nutshell, it’s what keeps you in the pie.) Souls, like bodies, personalities, minds, morals… etc., are simply something the atman picks up each time it is reincarnated, and discards again after death. I used “soul” above because it’s the closest approximation we have to the concept.

      First piece of the pie is “hell,” all torturey and unpleasant, second piece is hungry ghosts, where you’re hungry all the time but can’t eat cuz you’re a ghost, third piece is animals, where you’re stupid and have to work all day, fourth is humans, and we all know how that goes, fifth is warring gods, which is like a 24 hour wrestling program, and the sixth is heaven, where everyone gets to be a peaceful god and everything is clean and looks like Disney World. Even heaven has it’s problems though, and the gods are vain and mortal, and apparently suffer some kind of extreme bipolar disorder with really high highs and very unpleasant lows. (After this there are actually four more stages once you attain buddhahood and you’re circling the crust, but that’s fairly elite and follows different rules than the gooey sweet part of the pie so I’m formally ignoring them.)

      You can die and be reincarnated somewhere else on the wheel, but no matter where you are, the goal is to get the hell off and go to Nirvana. (I’m not sure where Buddhism sits on this since Kurt Cobain’s death.) If you have a bunch of karma you end up on the lower pieces of pie, less karma means a better slice. No matter where you are you can always achieve enlightenment which equals a pass off the pie entirely. Boddhisatvas are beings who have achieved enlightenment and decided to return to help others off the pie too. Lama really just means teacher, and a reincarnated lama does not need to be a boddhisatva… though in the case of Osel Hita Torres I believe that was supposed to have been the case.

      I got in trouble twice with the same lama, once when I asked if reincarnation happened linearly, or if atmans could ignore the flow of time and reincarnate anywhere and anywhen. When he said yes that was true I asked how we knew then that there was more than one of them and that we were not all actually the same atman crisscrossing ourselves though time. He snapped that his religion was not a science fiction novel. Unfortunately this just made me curious to see just how snippy a lama would get when properly provoked and I next asked him what state of being came after Nirvana. He said that was the end but I pointed out that there wasn’t anything that really indicated that… boddhisatvas might come back from enlightenment but even they had their knowledge of Nirvana stripped away, so they really couldn’t say.

      The answer to the question is very snippy.

      • Good job with the abstract, I physically applauded you at approximately 1700 EST (DST).

      • He snapped that his religion was not a science fiction novel.
        Never confuse Buddhism with Scientology. 😛

        • And Buddhism is NOT a religion, oh no! It’s a philosophy 🙄 . Or so they say, since it sells better that way. Problem is, I’ve never know any philosophy where you where supposed to shave your head and wander around in a red bedrobe…

          Great questions anyway, kevin. I have nothing special against buddhism per se, but get very unnerved to see how they are seen as parangon of wisdom, virtue and philosophy.

      • Kevin,
        Your sinhle atman suggestion is very similar to something proposed by theoretical physicist Richard Feynman. The main difference – he got a Nobel prize (actually part of a shared prize).

        As for the cop incident: this did take place in Chicago. That police union is still complaining about how their fine officers were mistreated by the press during the 1962 Democratic Convention.

  3. #1 We’re not in a police state yet, the justice system is just a bit hobbled by it’s own attachment to the police. The world is a mess and I just need to…. rule it.

    #2 Are you telling me that the Lama shepherds could have been wrong?! NoooOOooOOOoooOooooo!!!!!

    #3 That’s one intelligent design.

    Comic: ~sigh~ ‘Pretend I’m whitty’ never works when I’m trying to pick up chicks. Never. Hell I even tried to roll for one girl and got TWO natural 20’s in a row. She STILL wasn’t inpressed. I don’t get it. (/sarcasm)

  4. -I’m certain the judge’s sentence was affected by a couple things which may not be obvious to folks outside police services: First, the guy was losing his ability to radio for backup forever after–a serious safety concern for people who look, walk and talk like cops like I’m sure a 40-something career-cop will do for the rest of their life. Second, putting him in prison would require special protective custody which costs lots more than normal incarceration–and which might not be enough to protect him from other inmates.
    However, it’s not a secret that police have lots of dirty tricks to make charges stick on people they don’t like (or need as scapegoats). I’d go so far as to say that all police worth their salt can stick phony charges on other people and beat raps they otherwise provably earned. The good news is that it keeps getting harder to undetectably hide, distort or forge evidence as time goes on, meaning that cops will be less and less able to keep dirty secrets: DNA-evidence conviction reversals of jailed “criminals” is a good example of this (despite the legal hiccups along the way). There’s some reason to hope that continued improvements in forensics technology and methodology will eventually end the tradition of police impunity.

    -I’ve always been skeptical of how Lamas kept reincarnating after supposedly being nifty enough to have earned oblivion (nirvana), the ‘they came back because they wanna be nice guys’ reasoning seems more than a little suspect to me. Perhaps it’s time that someone calls out these folks on the inconsistencies of buddhist doctrine?

    -I suggest reading Norman Mailer’s interpretations of ancient Egyptian life in Ancient Evenings. That book is a little window into a strange, strange world where mansex was mostly an unremarkable way of asserting dominance in masculine interactions (by being the top and not the bottom). I also suggest giving a copy of it to a homophobic acquaintance you don’t like for laughs.

    –An anonymous, shit-disturbing, coward

  5. Hey Kevin: Could you link to or give the full name of that report on animal homosexuality?

  6. Hello, first time posting here, and love the comic.

    Just wanted to point out that there are many very varied Buddhist doctrines (or sect/groups/whatever). The concepts of boddhisatvas, gods, and demons aren’t a universal concept in the religion, if I recall correctly.

    (I love these sorts of conversations, thus enjoyed reading through most of the comments when plowing through the archive.)

    • Yeah, for the sake of “brevity,” I didn’t go into all the different stripes of Buddhism. But there are a lot of them, and some of them look far more different than Baptists and Wahhabis.

      • I figured as much, just thought it needed saying was all. They do go pretty widely too, some I’m pretty sure if you took out the names and just looked at the concepts and such you’d have trouble associating them.

  7. I always wanted to be a cop when I was a kid. Still kinda do. But I’d make a terrible cop. For one I’d shoot too many people and for two I’d want to get into Internal Affairs so I could bust dirty cops and put the squeeze on ass-sacks like that guy in Chicago. As for the lama thing, I think it’s funny that Osel decided to take off and go do his own thing. That’s what you get for kidnapping the poor kid and forcing him to be your monkey. Spiritual monkey or otherwise. And I always figured we weren’t the only species to have homosexuals. That just didn’t make sense. Plus, if a monkey jerks off then why would they not screw for pleasure? Even other monkeys of the same sex? And yes, monkeys (or chimps, whatever) jerk it all the time. Just like humans.

    I don’t know what to think about Freya’s sister. I don’t like her style of play, though I’ve played with plenty of people who respond to my GMing that way. “I tell the guy where the thing is,” or what have you. Sigh. Nobody’s ever gone so far as to say pretend though. Ugh.

    • Is it just me, or is Kevin drawing Zobbie more…. feminine since Freya’s sister is playing him? Not just the stance of a young girl in her puberty, but also the facial lines.

      Eh… I had hoped the sister would be a good player, but I agree, she seems to be one of those people who don’t quite get the hang of what roleplaying is about. I mean, talking to the GM and starting every sentence with “Pretend that I do this, do that….” Arg. That’s way worse than talking about your own character in third person (which is totally permissible if you’re quickly summing up what your character is doing in those scenes where playing out every fine detail isn’t important).

      • LOLZ I think Freya’s sis is awesome. Is she the older or younger of the two? Too easy to forget, we were all that player once. Wait till she gets the party killed by running for the big trapped chest in the middle of the room. On the other hand it’ll just make the DM like her more. There’s definitely a gamer lingo that has to be learned and people who don’t speak it look weird by comparison.

        Anonymous Coward who obviously knows a lot about cops: you make some good points. I’m curious, are you saying the guy was afraid of all the people who would be out to get him because he couldn’t call for backup, and flipped out on the bartender as a side effect? Or was afraid to go outside that late at night (let him sleep in the bar)? I just always kinda figured if I dialed 911 and said I was a retired cop, they’d probably take me pretty seriously.

        Kev, you know a lot of interesting stuff about Buddhism and you make it sound funny. Care to sum up what comes after Nirvana in a nutshell?

        • “Zobbie” is younger than Freya, though it’s probably not all that much younger.

          After Nirvana comes Transformers, where everyone gets to be an awesome 70s muscle car that turns into a flying robot with lasers, and there’s a special cockpit (heh heh) just for Megan Fox.

  8. (Spoiler) Freya’s sister plays D&D like someone who doesn’t have any other friends and has never played before. (/Spoiler)