523 – As the Larva Turns: 05


No one who voted for HOLE on Top Web Comics every day has ever been thrown into a live volcano. I’m just sayin’.

I live in Florida — Jacksonville Florida specifically. So it is with a wearily familiar eye that I observe that with around six percent of the nation’s population, something like fifty percent of the truly stupid and bizarre behavior of this country occurs here. Why? I don’t know. Maybe it’s the heat, maybe it’s the mix of people from all over the United States, (most people who live here are not from here) maybe it’s the fact that even with water on all sides and our very own species of lobster that tastes delicious and is easy to trap, restaurants like Red Lobster who ship all their seafood frozen from somewhere else continue to thrive.

I just don’t know. (But Red Lobster has the worst seafood available in Florida… in case you were wondering.)

In any case, this was probably not what was going through the heads of the two victims walking home from Popeye’s Chicken here in Jacksonville one early morning just after midnight on April the tenth. The young woman and her boyfriend watched four men in a new Pontiac drive by them several times, shouting “Give us the chicken!” before the car finally pulled up in front of them with it’s lights out.

One of the men jumped out of the car and shoved a pistol in the frightened couple’s faces, as a man still in the car shouted “Blast him! Blast him!”

“You know what time it is.” intoned the gun wielder ominously, “Give it up.”

Deciding to save their heroics for a time when something more than fried chicken was on the line, they gave it up.

This made me think back to the time when a pack of 15-20 rednecks, having just vacated a bar, came across me and three of my friends drinking beer after having just closed up the Pizza Hut where we all worked. They wanted beer and pizza, and I considered myself extremely lucky to have come away merely having be en knocked senseless when punched in the back of the skull. (I never even knew the guy was behind me.)

What is it about Florida? What makes us more crazy, stupid, violent, deluded, perverted, hypocritical, and willfully ignorant than other Americans? Ah… wait. I know what it is.

It’s the chicken.

12 Responses to 523 – As the Larva Turns: 05

      • yeah i like my guy too it suits me.(plus on top of that im really into christmas decorations so i couldnt have planned that any better {you can see my house from space…..heh i wish})

  1. Color me cynical, but I suspect it’s the climate –

    The climate inspires the rich and super-rich to move in.
    They use private armies for security, so they shortchange police services.
    They don’t want to “waste” their money on ‘deadbeats”, so social services also gets shortchanged.
    This leaves normal people with unfilled nedes creating resentment that they can easily tajke out on each other.

    Note that Southern California is much the same.

    • I’ve certainly had it be hot enough that I wanted to hurt someone. But, usually I have no energy and are stuck to the car seat – so nothing really happens. Just a lot of whining.

  2. I’m no Floridian but I’d be inclined to blame the lack of winter: Having a real winter season that can really freeze you to death if you’re stupid enough helps train people into deferred gratification and forward planning–AKA not being completely feckless morons. The fact that winter is fully predictable and potentially deadly in many ways, including ice slips, slippery roads, and snowfalls which make it impossible to go “emergency shopping” or panhandling and more… is a stupidity-punishing phenomenon.

  3. Mmm. I like Popeye’s chicken. And I always get the cajun rice as a side.

    Certainly worth robbing someone at gunpoint for.

  4. I almost moved to Florida once. Was planning to go to film school. It didn’t pan out. Just as well I think, as I live in Oregon and the weather is immensely different and the people (though stupid) are unlikely to shove a gun in your face over chicken. As far as Anonymous Coward’s comment goes, I agree, and yet we have winter here every year and it still seems to always catch people off guard. Like I said, they’re still kinda stupid.

    • Just because someone was taught something doesn’t mean that they learned what they were being taught, or even anything at all. For instance, it’s pretty apparent if you vaguely follow the news about American politicians (or even just paid attention to those posts on the topic the comedian-in-chief brings up) that they believe that the lesson from scandals is to try not to get caught instead of to not do illegal things.

  5. Was Popeye’s closed? Cause suddenly basic economics says the value of the chicken just went up. If memory serves Miami had two guys whose idea of mugging tourists was to shoot them in the back then take their wallets. The Miami PD were under a lot of pressure after the number of victims topped 20, so when it was proven in court that they had gunned the guys down and planted guns on them (and yet they got the right guys), the judge said:
    “It’s O.K. this one time.”
    My point is the problem is not caused by the police not having enough power. Same with Los Angeles.
    I believe in the supernatural, and certain places sucking the bad people towards them, but in Florida and L.A. I think it helps that you have a bajillion old people (FL) and idiots (LA) with tons of money. Especially those guys in L.A. who carry the little dogs everywhere. GAH!

  6. Well I did live in Florida for awhile and I noticed a few things. First, sadly, where I was there were so many retired people willing to work a part time job for pennies that it was hard for anyone to get a job, degree or otherwise. Second, the people who move to Florida and expect it to be different than where they were bring their problems with them. i.e. People move away from crime, but they want things to stay the same as where they lived. This causes resentment and social pressures on the community if enough people move there from somewhere else. We are all creatures of habit and rarely change. Third, I am sadly disappointed with the Florida School system. I mean when teachers can take almost 1 day a week off for whatever, that’s not helping the students learn. I subbed a history class for 9th graders. They were so fascinated I was from Idaho, but couldn’t find it on a map. A map that said Idaho on the state. I mean I don’t expect them to know all the trivia facts, but come we haven’t been fighting native americans for over 100 years now and we all have cars and only ride horses because we want to, lol. Wow, I guess I will get off my soapbox now. Sorry Kevin. – Great comics by the way.