508 – You Can’t Go Back: 15


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“Every act — a type of caress, a sexual position — with the goal of arousal is permitted and pleases God… During sexual intercourse, married couples can show their love in every way, can offer one another the most sought after caresses. They can employ manual and oral stimulation.”

So writes Franciscan Friar, the Rev. Ksawery Knotz, author of Sex as You Don’t Know It: For Married Couples Who Love God, which is being called the Catholic Kama Sutra. Knotz intends for the book to encourage married couples to enjoy their sex lives, calling sex a sacrament to god. I guess the idea of having a third person such as god in the bed with you when you’re having sex with your spouse is supposed to be a turn-on. It’s kinda kinky.

Anyway, Ksawery goes on quite a bit about sex, marriage, and all the fun stuff a pair of folks can do between the sheets… all of which he has no practical knowledge of. He can’t marry, and he can’t have sex. It’s kind of like the Amish Guide to Videogame Repair. It just makes you scratch your head head and say hunh?

Ksawery says that even though he has no genuine notion of what he’s talking about, he can speak authoritatively on the subject because he’s heard lots of other folks conversing about sex. More to the point, these were people who were coming to him for answers to their questions. Let me run that past you one more time. People who knew less than the guy who knew nothing came to him for advice, prompting him in turn to write a book telling the rest of us all about it.

The publisher is talks to have the book translated from Polish into English, Italian, and Slovakian. Hooray!

46 Responses to 508 – You Can’t Go Back: 15

  1. “Those that can’t do, teach.”

    This is just another timeless example of that ancient bit of wisdom.

    • This is way late, but I was out of town.

      This is what I have to say to that “ancient bit of wisdom”:

      By Taylor Mali

      He says the problem with teachers
      is, “What’s a kid going to learn
      from someone who decided his best
      option in life was to become
      a teacher?” He reminds the other
      dinner guests that it’s true
      what they say about teachers:
      That those who can, do;
      and those who can’t, teach.

      I decide to bite my tongue instead
      of his and resist the temptation
      to remind the other dinner guests
      that it’s also true
      what they say about lawyers.
      Because we’re eating, after all,
      and this is polite conversation.

      “I mean, you’re a teacher, Taylor,
      Be honest. What do you make?”
      And I wish he hadn’t done that
      (asked me to be honest)
      because, you see, I have a policy
      about honesty and ass-kicking
      which is if you ask for it,
      I have to let you have it.

      You want to know what I make?

      I make kids work harder than they
      ever thought they could. I can
      make a C+ feel like
      a Congressional medal of honor
      and an A- feel like a slap
      in the face. How dare you
      waste my time with anything
      less than your very best.

      You want to know what I make?

      I make kids sit through 40 minutes
      of study hall in absolute silence.
      No, you may not work in groups.
      No, you can’t ask a question
      so put your hand down. Why won’t I
      let you go to the bathroom?
      Because you’re bored and you don’t
      really have to go.

      You want to know what I make?

      I make parents tremble in fear
      when I call home around dinner time.
      Hi, this is Mr. Mali. I hope
      I haven’t called at a bad time,
      I just wanted to talk to you
      about something your son said today.
      He said, “Leave the kid alone. I still
      cry sometimes, don’t you?”
      And it was the noblest act
      of courage I have ever seen.
      I make parents see their children
      for who they are
      and who they can be.

      You want to know what I make?

      I make kids wonder,
      I make them question.
      I make them criticize.
      I make them apologize and mean it.
      I make them write, write, write.
      and then I make them read.
      I make them spell definitely
      beautiful, definitely beautiful,
      definitely beautiful over and over
      and over again until they will
      never misspell either one
      of those words again.

      I make them show all their work
      in math and then hide it
      on their final drafts in English.
      I make them understand that
      if you got this (brains)
      then you follow this (heart)
      and if someone ever tries
      to judge you by what you make,
      you give them this (the finger).

      Let me break it down for you so
      you know what I say is true:
      I make a goddamn difference!
      Now what about you?

      No, I’m not a teacher yet, but one day I will be. If it weren’t for teachers, nobody would be able to do anything.

  2. As a professional consultant I have to add that there is good money to be made in sounding like you know things that you don’t. There is often even greater money to be made in being paid to do basic research that ends with giving answers that the client could’ve found themself without much work: Lots of people are too lazy, anti-intellectual, research-clueless, overworked, or socially fearful to do their basic research for themselves, and I accept lots of their money regularly.
    Specifically on the topic of sex; if you’re at all passable at using google you can wade through stacks of sexual how-tos so numerous and “reference images” so varied that there’s little excuse for virgins to be totally clueless when the clothes come off anymore–that’s just failing to do the homework. I think it’s perfectly plausible for a priest who’s done their homework to have things more relevant to say on the subject than a large number of non-virgins.

      • Overworked? 60 hours is a light week, 80-100 is normal. If I couldn’t do most of my work in my own bedroom I’d have died of exhaustion several times over.
        It’s enough to make me jokingly consider becoming an author since they get more time off than I do.

          • Dude… I fully agree that I’m overworked. If I didn’t love my job and weren’t my own taskmaster I wouldn’t stand for it.
            More than 40 hours a week means you’re working past the point at which you’re giving optimal productivity/ability. This is one of the reasons why there are varyingly effective labour laws in multiple “developed” nations insisting on serious overtime bonuses, ability to refuse without being fired for people who get more than that “asked” from them, minimum vacation time allotments, etc. These laws tend to be underextended, underapplied and underenforced.

            As far as disagreements go: I’d say disagreement is too strong a word for many of the minor differences of opinion we have. I think we’re both in agreement that politicians have a tendency to have lying, thieving scum amongst their number and that this is not a good thing, that large corporations in practice end up being all about externalizing costs and pursuing their own profits through means that often include lying and political manipulation and that this is similarly worth opposing, that theistic oddity which rests on an unprovable is used for authority and justification in all sorts of situations which seem daft at best and often sinister to those of us who disagree about the validity of that unprovable and/or its associated dogmas.
            That this is disagreeing about us disagreeing just gives me a perverse glee: I am a committed devil’s advocate and sometimes have great difficulty holding in my sarcasm.

          • Y’know, on second thought I probably don’t disagree enough with you. You want disagreement to give you more interesting discussions, don’t you? I’ll see what I can do.

          • Yes I did.
            Yes, I appreciate that the logic there may twist a bit, but if you chart it out you can make sense out of it.

  3. Perhaps the priest is hiding something?

    In either case, this is the typical case of self-help books. Loads of bull, some authoritative (or rather, important-looking) data, and lots of steps for X problem, whether it is personal, social, marital, economical, etc.

    I love how true is the claim of people that say they’ve become rich if they do the steps in a book, and then the guy who says it turns out to have written the book, collected the royalties, and made everyone else look stupid in comparison. These people are following the greatest of all self-help tactics: the “make a book of bull and sell it like hotcakes” tactic.

    It seems that the priest just got infected with the viral tactic. Talk about trying to make money.

    As for people being disinterested in doing their homework…sometimes, they don’t even know it’s a homework. They don’t know that, for any kind of action, there’s a bit of study and a bit of practice. You know, just like school is supposed to be. Then again, the way homework is given when in the earlier years…some people would rather forget about that, and they’d rather buy a “for Dummies” book to learn how to do it.

    …On the topic, is there a “Sex for Dummies” book? That would be hilarious.

  4. wait…what? what ever i do between the sheets with my husband pleases god? so what you are saying is that god is a pervy little peeping tom? glad i’m atheist. if god wants a show, he should have to pay, like everyone else.

  5. The take-away from all this, for me anyways, is not about if the good Friar is experienced enough to offer sex advice. The message here is that he’s telling everyone that it’s okay in the eyes of god to give your husband a half-and-half, or to give your wife a rim job, so just relax and get your freak on. For god.

  6. Wasn’t the Kama Sutra written by an aesthetic, a monk that has forsaken all pleasures of the material world?

    • Mallanaga Vātsyāyana was the author of the Kama Sutra, and very, very little is known about him. Suspicions that he was an aesthetic are probably just that. Others have said that he grew up in a whorehouse and gathered his knowledge of sex there.

      Given that the Kama Sutra is really about all the ways to have sex without passion, it wouldn’t surprise me to learn that he was a monk. Sex as You Don’t Know It: For Married Couples Who Love God is the opposite. It’s about how how your passion for physical gratification is really a celebration of god.

      The next step? Fold out pews.

      • (just today started commenting, I’ve been catching up with the strips, and, uh… got the urge to say some things)

        I’d like to offer a non-mocking point of view 😛 I am definitely an atheist, I find that dogmatic, monotheistic religions are dangerous and detrimental to all humankind. BUT I can sympathize with religious people and… yknow, since the Bible forbids a lot of things, like… whoa, a fuckin-LOT of things, people today are finding it more and more difficult to follow it. I mean, yeah… duh, it was written 2000 years ago.

        They argue that the Bible is such a universal and wise book that it CAN be applied to most any life situation, but unfortunately this doesn’t really apply to many practical situations. Spiritual and emotional, maybe? So what the good friar-dude is trying to do (alongside makin’ assloads of teh moneys) is tell people that no, God will not burn you alive if you lead a normal sex life with your husband. What with the sexual liberation and women becoming full-time people now. A lot of people probably feel too shy to try anything besides the missionary position (okay, I don’t really know what they do, just giving the tamest example that comes to mind), and that’s really sad.

        Basically, X-tians are trying to reconcile the major differences our lives today have compared to lives then, at the time of the Bible. While still “staying true” to God and the holy book. Because, yknow… it obviously makes more sense than casting aside aged and senseless tradition 🙂 (sarcasm)

  7. Antone read the 4th edition D&D for dummies? I saw it on the shelf in the game store. Hopefully more useful than the sex book.

  8. ha ha ha thats hilarious
    love the fish especially the wink in the last panel great work obviously zobbie was affected by a “bless” spell when he was young

    as for that book. so they are telling me that i can have freaky nasty sex with my wife and its for god? thats friggin’ AWESOME! now if i can just get my wife to……..

  9. When Lena wrote your “excuse our dust” message, was she inspired by the spirit of Zobbie? Cultivating new functionality is one thing but I’m sure she could have gone further.

    “Exculpate our particulate matter
    We are endeavouring to meliorate your HOLE to be more extensive and qualitatively superior. During the forthcoming arbitrary temporal divisions, you’ll discern numerous alterations as we cultivate new functionality and streamline our manifestation. We determined this would be more desirable than a temporary hiatus.

    The Webmistress”

    (yeah i used a thesaurus, bite me!)

  10. Well, I think this book is more of a good thing than else.

    The guy may have no experience of sexuality (He could very well have know sex before entering the orders), but do you need to have know sex to say “It’s ok”?
    Note that, with this kind of reasoning, you could hardly tell people any sect sucks without having experimented it.

    The important thing there is that he’s telling people it’s ok (as long as its with your wife, of course). This goes directly against centuries of castrative doctrine, which has provided its fair share of mental disorders. The book may be utter crap besides, this is the important thing IMO (and probably why PanzerKardinal ain’t gonna love this)