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General Mills, makers of Cheerios, has been rebuked by the FDA for printing on the Cheerios box that the cereal will “lower your cholesterol by 4% in 6 weeks,” and treat heart disease. Apparently only actual FDA approved drugs are allowed to make that kind of claim… and Cheerios isn’t a prescription-only cereal.
General Mills responded in a snit, saying that Cheerios’ claims at healthiness were approved 12 years ago, and that the FDA’s problem was only with the box and not the cereal. The FDA said duh, that’s what we said, you’re just deflecting.
See, while Cheerios can help with cholesterol and such, the truth is that it’s only peripherally involved. If you cut fat and processed sugars from your diet, eat lots of fruit and vegetables, exercise, and don’t eat more than one bowl of Cheerios a day, you can lower your cholesterol by 4% in just 6 weeks — and help treat heart disease. Saying it’s the Cheerios is kind of like saying it was Budweiser’s fault that girl you screwed in the alley behind the honky tonk turned up pregnant. Sure, Budweiser was there, but it wasn’t the beer who decided condoms were for sissies.
“Therefore,” says the FDA, ” your claim does not convey that all these factors together reduce the risk of heart disease and does not enable the public to understand the significance of the claim in the context of total daily diet.”
Chagrined, General Mills relented, saying they never like Cheerios anyway. In the same press conference, the food giant introduced Immortal! Energy Bars, guaranteed to protect you from the swine flu, cancer, and make you completely bulletproof.*
*When used in combination with good diet, social isolation, chemotherapy, and bulletproof jacket.