492 – Grasshopper: 04


You guys are totally making with the awesome by voting every day with the Top Web Comics button. I cannot begin to tell you how much I appreciate your efforts! Well, I guess I can keep making comics, can’t I? Thank you all, so, so much! You are really helping this site (and me) be a success!

Back in 1984, scientists in Siberia dug an experimental well some 12 kilometers deep. At the bottom, they discovered water and gas flows, rarely seen rock formations, and temperatures as high as 180℉. (Pretty hot in Siberia.) 

This event has been transformed over the years, growing into a popular christian legend. In the “re-imagined” event, the well was even deeper, and the temperatures even hotter. (Over 2000℉!) The scientists dropped a microphone into the well, and at the bottom they hear the screams of thousands of suffering souls. (Maybe even millions!) The scientists all ran off, and since then more people have been flocking to christianity than ever.

This tale has been variously told and retold by TBN, (the Christian Broadcasting network) christian magazines, and other christian TV shows. It has been at least twice debunked by two separate christian magazines, but picked up again by the Weekly World News, who claimed that 13 men were killed as the devil burst out of the well.

In related news I am starting the auction of a potato that looks exactly like the Virgin Mary’s right ovary at $20,000.

23 Responses to 492 – Grasshopper: 04

  1. Yeah, I recall seeing that (along with the transliterated Spanish translation). Wasn’t the story drawn from Weekly World News? I think I recognized the format. I’d rather believe the Onion say that than WWN; at least their stories are “interesting”.

    Or at least, almost as believable as Freya’s class-developing skills.

  2. Where do you find these stories?

    I read it and I WANT to think that you are trying to pull the wool over my eyes (you do like writing the occasional pure satire, after all) but I know your writing style better then that. So, instead, I have to do a deeply disagreeable task and accept that something so stupid, has actually happened.

    It’s a bit depressing. With Dawin Award behaviour, at least it’s funny. This… is just pathetic.

    • “I have to do a deeply disagreeable task and accept that something so stupid, has actually happened. ”

      Or, you know, you could look it up. 😉

          • This sounds so very unecessarily confrontational! When I’ve GMed/DMed/whatever acronym-ed you could always count on me to tell the truth as best I could… it was my NPCs that lied like some horrific cross between lawyers, politicians, televangelists and used car salesmen. Really, I was on the players’ side, I wanted to see them survive that horrible, horrible world full of similarly murderous, thieving liars (to themselves) I inflicted on them… long enough to find an entertaining way to go at least.

        • Don’t worry, it’s not just you. Ron doesn’t accept anything anyone says at face value. Natural-born skeptic, that one.

          • Ron is right, never trust the guy running the game, no matter what title he/she/it uses. It’s not that the GM’s going to lie to you, it’s more that he’s only going to tell you what you characters would know, or think they know, and that may not always be right… And even if it is, if the GM’s on the ball at all (and I’m betting that Kevin is more than a little on the ball in this sense), then he’s always got something going on that you probably haven’t spotted yet… Especially when he’s smiling! (-:

  3. Typical behavior for TBN, though. I like that bit about the screams of the damned. If we hit Hell at a mere 12 km… (-: Mwuahahaha! 🙂

  4. Well, I can understand religious people, who already believe in hell, hearing this, trusting this, and spreading the news.

    The problem comes with the story’s origin.
    Did someone heard a fraction of it, and misunderstood it, with a snowball effect following, or did someone deliberately reinterpretate actual events?

    I’d tend towards the 1st solution, but, as people have manufactured “cries from hell” in order to give credibility to this story, I may be wrong. People are… disappointing, in the depths of lies and lowliness they can sink to.

    The comic: Poor bunker… I really hate when things like that happen.
    I “played” (was a victim) in a “game” (it was not funny at all) when the “DM” (he isn’t worthy of the title, even less that of GM) projected all his fantasms of glory and power on the character of another player. We ended up with phallic dungeons designed to make this guy stronger and stronger, with power growing in an exponential way. As there was already the same difference of power between him and us that between a terminator and a normal human, power differences just grew. That, and he met lots of typical nymfomaniac beautiful NPC women, when any other guy in the party was just castrated sooner or later (about 25% of hits happened here, it seems).
    Worst thing is, this was in no way the player’s fault, and just the “DM” being an asshole with serious mental issues. Being optimistic, it took us quite a while to realize we couldn’t get him to understand that there was problems with his “games” (because this was only one of a few)

    • I couldn’t really say, Vincent. It is a genuine legend, with genuinely real roots, so whether it’s simply a story that grew in the telling or something deliberately fabricated… who knows? I like to think it wasn’t on purpose, but rather grew organically like a game of telephone.

      As for your game… we’ve all been there. That’s one of the many, many patterns that most DMs fall into (I did, though at the time I thought I was so much smoother about it — I wasn’t) at some point in their careers. Usually around high school or so. As a DM you can flip this on it’s ear for your D&D, or other RPG players though. For an adventure or two give them an ultra-powerful NPC to kick with who is constantly kill-stealing them. As they grow to resent him give him some occasional sinister tendencies. Keep stepping that up until they finally decide he isn’t worth having around any longer and decide to kill him. It’ll make the players feel great for getting to remove an big irritant, and it’ll be almost like everyone at the table will have gotten a measure of revenge on that DM in their past who inflicted his favorite character on them!

    • I’m not sure what’s worse:
      A gamemaster who projects all his (or her) fantasies onto an ultra-powerful, super-cool, unkillable GM-NPC who then proceeds to steal the show while the players are relegated to sitting there watching “The Adventures of Mary Sue/Marty Stu” while their player characters exist only as groupies for the GM-NPC.
      Or a gamemaster who projects all his or her fantasies into the character of a favored player, just as you described. I’ve seen similar scenarios. I’ve been in similar situations, although never anything as extreme as you went through.

      What puzzles me, though, is the fact that the favored player was obviously male, and the GM apparently was too. In my experience, every time I’ve seen a situation like that, it’s been female GM favoring male player, or vice versa. Either your GM, Vincent, was gay, or he would really have wanted to run that player’s character himself. I’ve seen too many horribly bad fanfiction stories where an author inserted a blatant author avatar into an established universe and gave it every power in the book. *shudder*

  5. You know, I’ve always considered myself blessed. But now that I hear they found hell the year I was born, I wonder which side got me.
    On the upside, you’re rank 100 now! Go Kev Go!!

  6. As far as religious delusions go… what’s to be surprised about? They’ve already invented an invisible sky fairy that’s somehow everywhere, watching everything, and for reasons I don’t quite fully grasp apparently cares if you choke the chicken or tickle the taco by yourself.
    For those who take offense/exception to that description of events, have the Christian-friendly version:
    What’s to be surprised about that these faithless heretics disbelieve our good Christian brothers? They deny that God exists and seek to push Him out of public policy at every step so it should be no surprise that they also deny proof of the father of lies. This makes perfect, twisted sense since he could not exist if He did not as well, and admission of His divinity and supremacy over all is what they fight against.

    • Tickle the taco. LMAO. That is absolutely my new favorite nickname for masturbation. How have I not heard that before??? 😀

      • You probably haven’t been hanging around stupid places on the internet for long enough yet…
        I wish I could still say the same for myself. 🙁

  7. All hail the cult of Heroes of Lesser Earth.

    For the price of one click you can get access to soul enriching moments in webcomic form.

    Kevin is too modest, saying that this is fictional account of a gaming group, this disguises the life lessons that this amazing experience contains.

    Where else would you leanr that using sex to get unfeasably far ahead is a GOOD thing. Where else would you go to learn that trickery works on friends as well as enemies.

    And finally, and this is important, you can learn here that the moral integrity which has held up many generations of religious fanatics is nothing but a load of bumpkum – with explanatory diagrams and video!

    Yes ladies and gents, here is the ONLY place to learn life-long values to learn to kick down others before they kick you down.


    -Only joking…

    … Well mostly.

  8. Maybe I am blind or something, but that vote button still doesn’t grab my attention… I think my mind writes it off as another advertisement since there are ads above and to the right of the comic… Is anyone else having that issue?

    The new vote button does stick out a lot more than the old one though.

    But at least I still remember to vote each day I come here so its all good. 🙂