486 – The Lizard King: 13


Last March, in an effort to stem the ever increasing tide of illegal drug commerce, Mexican police destroyed thirty shrines to Jesús Malverde, the so-called “Narco-Saint.” As of yet the definitive picture of Malverde hasn’t really emerged, but we do know that he was either a construction or railway worker before turning to a life of banditry, where, obviously, he did the work of god. He was either hanged from a tree that subsequently died, or shot by a friend for cash and amnesty. 

Malverde is seen as a “steal from the rich, give to the poor” type, which makes him pretty popular with the poor, and rather less so with the rich. Visitors to his shrines leave shrimp in formaldehyde-filled bottles, in case their saint should get hungry or need to preserve some snake eggs, candles in the event the electricity in heaven ever goes out, pictures of people they think need the help of a Saint of Banditry, or small plaques telling about miracles Malverde has performed for them. (He is apparently a bit of a trained seal as far as the miracles go.)

There’s even a Malverde beer now, if you want to drink the saint. No report on whether it’s any good or not. One bright spot in Saint Malverde’s future though is that the Catholic Church does not accept him as an official saint, which gives him a bit more street cred. The church has a very strict admittance policy regarding official saints, involving proof of a holy and heroic life and either martyrdom or at least one miracle after death. (Proof first… then faith.) They do admit to not having the exhaustive list, however.

Some saints that did make the cut: Erasmus, saint of abdominal pains, Francis, saint of nice animals, Vitus, saint of mean animals, Joseph, saint of astronauts, Matthew, saint of bankers, (where the hell has this guy been lately?) George, saint of Boy Scouts, Claire, saint of television everywhere except Peru, where it’s Martin, Apollonia, saint of toothaches, Eligius, saint of people who collect medals and those who work at gas stations, Agnes, saint of Girl Scouts, Barbara, saint of gunners, and literally hundreds more.

When I die I want to be the saint of inappropriate comments, pictures of boobies, and butt jokes.

16 Responses to 486 – The Lizard King: 13

  1. Seems like a lot of work to make it happen; the effort is probably better spent on more inappropriate commentary, butt jokes, and boob-photography.

    The question I find interesting: How would a real-deal Robin Hood be treated in America today?

  2. Well, did you know John-Paul 2 is is good way to being canonised? Seems like sometimes, policitics and popular pressure may somewhat help become a saint.

    Anyway, having canonised more people (among them Rosé Maria Escriva…) than the 5 centuries of previous popes combined, I guess heaven and hell owe him…

  3. @Vincent: I think you mean Josemaría Escrivá, founder of Opus Dei? If so, the man did do a huge amount of very effective work for the church, and received a record number of “votes” from cardinals to be saintified… and he probably wasn’t a nazi.

  4. Hmm, just had a thought.

    Endiku had a +8 headband of intellect didn’t he?

    He then put it on his um, er… ‘pork sword’ for another kind of bonus.

    Maybe he could put it back on his head where it belongs.

    Or maybe on his chest to improve his cup size.

    Or not.

    I don’t really spend that much time thinking about half orc genitals.

    Or breasts, well, not ones that until recently were attached to a male, well not attached, Um, yeah, I think that I will stop now.

  5. RE: Alan – My head just exploded…

    I doubt I’ll EVER be nominated for Sainthood… I have too much fun in life. Saints seem to get killed standing up for something they believe in, and that’s too much work for this old 70s guy.

  6. RE: the headband of intellect [part 1 of 3]

    I was always under the impression that this “headband +8” was a fake? After all, it was handed to Enkidu by Martin (an accomplished liar) when they were dividing the loot from Glandiri’s lair. Back then, Martin and Fleece kept a whole pile of the best magic items for themselves whenever loot was found, either by outright hiding those items’ existance from the rest of the group or by fobbing the others off with lesser items.

    For instance, when Morty had selected a brilliant energy saber +4 as a gift for Bunker, Martin bluffed the dwarf into giving up the weapon (and Mroty’s share of the gold!) and taking the Decanter of Endless Water instead. Then Martin gave the sword to Fleece.

    So why would Martin hand such a powerful item as a headband of intellect +8, if it was real, to someone else, much less to Enkidu?? Enkidu himself was surprised and exclaimed that headbands normally don’t come in +8.
    Under 3.5 edition rules which the group was using back then, the maximum bonus for such an item is +6; anything higher would be epic level magic. I mean, that alone should have been a warning… but Enkidu doesn’t appear to have more than a substandard Wisdom score and if you show him something shiny he is blinded by greed.

    Furthermore, a headband of “intellect” with an “enhancement bonus” that can be worn somewhere else and used to “enhance” other things?? I smell a rat. Did Enkidu even cast Detect Magic on the damn thing to check if it was magical? He sure didn’t cast Identify.

  7. RE: headband of intellect [part 2 of 3]

    And even if Enkidu did cast Detect Magic, I present to you an often overlooked 1st level arcane illusion spell called (Nystul’s) Magic Aura. With it, you can fake a magic aura to make mundane items look like enchanted items, or cover up a real magic item’s aura to appear mundane to anyone who casts Detect Magic on it (unless the item in question is epic or an artifact). Very useful, man, my NPCs love that spell. You can even make a magic aura appear like a different magic aura! Duration is 1 day per caster level.
    To quote:
    “You alter an item’s aura so that it registers to detect spells (and spells with similar capabilities) as though it were nonmagical, or a magic item of a kind you specify, or the subject of a spell you specify.

    If the object bearing magic aura has identify cast on it or is similarly examined, the examiner recognizes that the aura is false and detects the object’s actual qualities if he succeeds on a Will save. Otherwise, he believes the aura and no amount of testing reveals what the true magic is.

    If the targeted item’s own aura is exceptionally powerful (if it is an artifact, for instance), magic aura doesn’t work.

    Note: A magic weapon, shield, or suit of armor must be a masterwork item, so a sword of average make, for example, looks suspicious if it has a magical aura. “

    See where this is leading? This is just the kind of shit that Martin would love to pull on his team mates. Sure, Martin is a warlock, not a sorcerer, he cannot as such cast arcane spells; but he can write magic scrolls of spells he cannot cast himself (what idiot wrote instant access to all arcane spells into the warlock class??) and then use them with Use Magic Device skill. Also, warlocks get a number of spell-like abilities which mirror arcane spells as innate magic. That’s how Martin was able to fly before Freya thew a fit and Bunker persuaded him to switch it to something different (so Martin selected Animate Dead and created undead cows).

  8. RE: headband of intellect [part 3 of 3]

    Finally, Enkidu didn’t seem notably smarter after he first put the headband on. He was still a moron. (Big words don’t prove you’re intelligent. People who think that using big words shows off how intellectual they are are usually morons.) That leads me to believe he simply hallucinated being smarter than before. Notice how Martin is encouraging Enkidu in this delusion?

    And once Enkidu puts the item on his “sword”, of course he would be positive that he is now the the biggest motherfrakker around. He was already bragging about his sex-appeal previously, such as when he kissed the amnesiac Freya. A little self-deception goes a long way. 😉

  9. @Christina: Don’t forget though, that everyone is 4th edition now. Those rules you’ve mentioned have changed pretty drastically.

  10. @Kevin: But when it happened, the group was still using 3.5 edition rules.

    Anyway, I wasn’t trying to say that I expect the story to run strictly according to D&D rules, heavens no. That would be stupid. It was merely the explanation that my mind came up with from that suspicious moment when Martin graciously handed Enkidu that headband.

  11. Although, if it really was intellect, that was the appropriate place for him to wear it, considering where we know his brain to have been while he was still a him. I wonder, will that change now that he’s a she?

  12. LOL! You’re right, it was 3.5 at the time, I only meant that they’re 4.0 now.

    And yes, you are also correct in that, much like my D&D game, HOLE operates on my interpretation of the D&D rules, rather than a strict line by line reading of them.