475 – The Lizard King: 02


The Colonel Returns to Life to Fill Potholes

KFC has started a service-oriented ad campaign to fill potholes in cities around the country, in exchange for being allowed to spray their logo on the filled in hole in chalk. While I’ll certainly admit to the comedic value of watching an old white guy dressed like a plantation owner working along the side of the road, I’m thinking I could have come up with some public service campaigns that really would have connected with the man in street.

First, stop selling fried chicken. That crap is horrible for you. Let’s see… KFC… KFC… how about “Kentucky Filleted Catfish?” Grilled or blackened, salads and sandwiches, corn fed away from toxic pesticidal runoff… it’s a recipe for success, and shows the people you care about their health as much as their money. (Which I do not get from the pothole thing.) 

Second, let’s lose Colonel Slave-owner. I know he’s a beloved corporate icon and all that crap, but I also know that Yum Brands (KFC’s parent company) would sell him for a milkshake and a handjob if they thought it would make them more money. It’s bad enough that KFC targets black neighborhoods for their store locations to peddle their arterial corks in chicken’s skin, why rub it in people’s noses?

Finally, dump the new catch-phrase, “Life Tastes Better With KFC.” It doesn’t. Life tastes like disinfectant, hospital gowns, and coronary bypass surgery with KFC. I suggest the more to the point  ditty, “Give me your money, I’m here to kill you.” At least it’s honest.

18 Responses to 475 – The Lizard King: 02

  1. Now, now, let’s be fair… They’re not here to kill anyone, they’re here to help people to kill themselves. It’s a slim distinction, I’ll admit, but the distinction is there. As for “Colonel Slave-owner”, and targetting black neighborhoods, call it truth-in-advertising, in it’s way; it’s subtle, but if you think about the imagery, it tells you the company’s attitudes and intentions pretty clearly. I have to give them credit for that. These days, admitting to hating your customers in such blatant fashion is pretty ballsy.

    But the KFC expansion? Why not Kentucky Filleted Chicken? They barely know from chicken, I’m not sure we want them to switch to a different food altogether. Maybe Kentucky’s Fowl Cutlets? (That really works better spoken than typed, alas.)

  2. They do have that new Grilled Chicken crap on their menu now.

    Besides its my right to kill myself with fried chicken if I want to. I just ate a breast and a leg from KFC for breakfast!

  3. I can honestly (and proudly) say that I’ve never once partaken of KFC fare. I’ll stick to killing myself with dead cow fat from those “other” places.

  4. Ha-ha, nice. “It really was the LIZARDMEN that destroyed the village, RIGHT?”


    😀 That’s funny. And you know-
    Ah, the timer’s going off. Better check the rice. *Grumbles* I hate cooking rice. I never get it right.

    Augh, now I can literally FEEL every pore on my hand. Ew.
    Anyway, nice comic! I can’t wait to see what they’re ACTUALLY chasing. 😀

  5. So, you’re saying that because the guy’s southern and white that he’s a slave owner. Isn’t that a little bigoted of you to assume?

  6. Huh, I read the Wikipedia article on Sanders and apparently he wasn’t too happy with what the American chain did with his products.

  7. @Sorceress Kira

    You need a rice cooker! You just put in the right measurements of rice vs water and turn that puppy on. The cooker figures out when to turn itself off – brown, white, jasmine, whatever. They are magical!

  8. @Iocane: He dressed like a stereotypical Kentucky plantation owner.And the stereotype isn’t my creation.

    ( I do like that mashed potato bowl thing they do, even though it’s horrible for me.)

  9. @Lena

    Rawr. And here I am doing it the old-fashoned way, with a pot and the stove.
    Thanks for the advice, though. As soon as I have the money for it, right?
    *Keeps pot* 😀

    @ Kevin
    You mean those plates with lids that come loaded with mashed potatoes, chicken, and a biscuit? *Drools* Nowhere near as good as Grandma’s, of course, but still enough to get a meat-and-potatoes girl ready to happily consume the leading cause of cardiac arrest. ;D

  10. @Sorceress Kira

    Not too expensive really. $20? If you eat rice frequently, you’ll wish you bought one sooner. (:


    You should make your own version of the mashed potato bowl. Even if you fried your chicken it would still have to be WAY healthier than KFC.

  11. Kentucky COLONEL actually, not plantation owner. Believe it or not, before the 1960s, anyone who wasn’t a farmhand or factory worker wore what used to be known as a SUIT. White Suits with the string tie were common in the midwest and south, particularly among the more elderly men. It had nothing to do with plantations.

  12. @Kevin: Olive oil! Key to healthy fried food, actually lowers your bad cholesterol! (Or so I’m informed by the medical types I’ve talked to.) Garlic does the same thing, -and- chases away skeeters, albeit not everybody gets the bug-repellent action from it. Depends on how much you eat… (I eat insane amounts of it, so the bugs avoid me.) Also, if you’re frying your own, try to get as much of the fat off as possible, and send it my way. I use the schmaltz to make matzoh balls. Not healthy, bu so good!

  13. OK, SEX you indignant Southerners and your defense of Col. Sanders. He is a Kentucky Colonel. Wikipedia it, POOPhead. It’s non-military: it’s like the Masons, but unique to Kentucky. Johnny Dep is one and does not deny it (good guy on that front, really). They get their own license plates. In other words, he is THE MAN. He is poisoning black people with fried chicken on purpose. As a half-Texan, I can say that most people in the south are just like everyone else. Then there is a minority of racist FANNYholes who deny they are racist. Rush Limbaugh flies to the Domincan Republic with a suitcase of viagra every year. So again, SEX you.

    (Edits provided by site administrator, who doesn’t mind foul language, but DOES mind flame wars.) 🙂

  14. History of Fried Chicken per wikipedia:

    Deep frying has a long history supported by evidence from ancient cultures all over the world including Rome, Egypt and China.[1] Fritters had already existed in Europe since medieval times, and fried chicken was known in Europe as pollo fritto in Italy, Ga Xao in Vietnam, etc. before it became a culinary habit in the Southern United States. The Scots, and later Scottish immigrants to many southern states had a tradition of deep frying chicken in fat, unlike their English counterparts who baked or boiled chicken. [2] [3] There is also evidence of deep frying in West Africa.[4] It is uncertain is if deep frying existed in that region before European contact.

    However it was introduced to the American South, fried chicken became a common staple. Later, as Africans were brought to work on southern plantations, the slaves who became cooks incorporated seasonings and spices that were absent in traditional Scottish cuisine, enriching the flavor. Since most slaves were unable to raise expensive meats, but generally allowed to keep chickens, frying chicken on special occasions spread through the African American communities of the South. It endured the fall of slavery and gradually passed into common use as a general Southern dish. Since fried chicken could keep for several days, longer than other preparations, and traveled well in hot weather before refrigeration was commonplace, it gained further favor in the periods of American history when segregation closed off most restaurants to the black population. Fried chicken continues to be among this region’s top choices for “Sunday dinner” among both blacks and whites. Holidays such as Independence Day and other gatherings often feature this dish.

    Since the Civil War traditional slave foods like fried chicken, watermelon, and chitterlings, have suffered a strong association with African American stereotypes and blackface minstrelry. This was commercialized for the first half of the 20th century by restaurants like Sambo’s and Coon Chicken Inn, which selected exaggerated blacks as mascots, implying quality by their association with the stereotype. While acknowledged positively as soul food in the modern age by many, the affinity that African American culture has for fried chicken has been considered a delicate, often pejorative issue; While still present, this perception has been fading for several decades with the ubiquitous nature of fried chicken dishes in the US and a gradual rejection of race-based stereotypes.[5][6][7][8]

  15. Sorry, but have to differ with you on the KFC thing – am seriously allergic to chicken (eat it and die, taste it and possibly choke to death and die) but I can eat KFC… Which really shouldn’t surprise anyone, as its not really chicken so much as a mutated form of the animal nowadays. Wasn’t allergic to chicken as a kid (although it was probably what was keeping me ill all the time) and love the smell and taste of fried chicken. Can only get my chicken fix at KFC now, and since I only crave it about once a month, I doubt its killing me as quickly as the freeway I live near.