471 – Hero Soup: 08


Proving once again that the old proverb “booze, power tools, and vaginas don’t mix,” a 27 year old woman from Lexington Maryland was rushed to the hospital last month when her partner placed a dildo over the blade of a saber saw and “used” the tool on her. The couple had failed to foresee the possibility that the blade might cut through the plastic and then…

You know, I can’t even finish this post. This is so goddamn awful it makes me want to scream. Who is this fucking dumb? Who would stick a god damned saber saw in his girlfriend’s twat? Who raised you, you moron? Did your mother tell you to do that — ’cause I’ll bet she didn’t. The only thing getting me through your stupidity is the thought of the two of you at the next Thanksgiving dinner trying to explain to the family why she was in bed all March.

Next time try using your cock, you dumbass.

14 Responses to 471 – Hero Soup: 08

  1. It is evident that no one taught that fella the 101’s of blade wielding. It’s on the manual. Lemme see…it’s between the first and the fifth…

    1- Blades are used to kill, cut, maim, divide, slice, dice, thrust, or otherwise sever something.

    2- Blades with an edge cut.

    3- Blades with a point pierce

    4- Blades cut anything weaker than the material it is made, and shatter with stronger materials. So don’t try to smash your blade on stone.

    5- A blade does NOT, in any way, serve as a replacement for the male’s wee-wee.

    Considering he probably didn’t followed the last rules, I doubt he has a c**k, Kev. Hence, the second (and thus, the unfortunate) resolution.

    And, once again, it has been proven that the length of a blade does not correlate to the size of a man’s wang, nor does it acts like a compensation for the lack of it. I’d go for the theorem of inverse proportion between the length of the aforementioned body part and the solid volume of the individual’s brain for the extra precision, but that’s overkill.

    On comic: is that what she does? Enchanting?

    Yep, that alone buys me in.

  2. Let us not put all the blame on the guy here – this happened with the woman’s consent.

    That’s what’s frightening here, folks. Not one, but both parties involved thought this was a good idea.

  3. Next time try using your cock, you dumbass.

    NO! Just, no. That would imply that these two would actually procreate thus creating more idiots – or at least a child with two idiot parents. Given that possibility, a trip to the emergency room is the lesser of two evils here.

  4. Truly, there is no bottom to the stupidity on display here.

    On a more humorous note, can you imagine being the guy involved and googling yourself now?

  5. Of course, they were inspired by any number of websites where they do this sort of thing without incident. The difference being that the people on the websites REMOVE the blade and replace it with a metal shaft of the NOT POINTED variety. Ugh. I don’t understand the power-tool sextoy concept, but if you’re going to do it, do it right. If you’re leaving the blade attached, please use it on the male too! Wow!

    As for the comic: Yeah, it’s pretty much enchantment what Kahlan does. The victim falls totally in love with her to the point where he has no volition of his own except to please her. She is supposed to use this power to make men (and women too, I think, but I may be misremembering) confess to whatever crimes they are accused of in a sort of mystical version of the Spanish Inquisition, hence the name Confessors. Supposedly, female Confessors only use their powers for good, and male ones will always use it for evil… Entertainingly, Dick was supposed to be immune to it not because of the Sword Of Truth and its magics, but because he was already in love with her like that. What a dweeb.
    I suppose Admitter is probably the best approximation to Confessor, but Enkidu’s right. Wow. I can’t believe I just said that… 🙂

  6. They could have avoided the obvious problem of cut-through by replacing the blade with a clamp for the rear (? I don’t know if that’s the proper term) of the dildo. Even then the extent and speed of reciprocating motion would probably be quite painful. I’m guessing she was stoned as well as stupid. No doubt this will migrate to BDSM sites.

    Didn’t reload before posting, so I missed Misha’s note that this is already on the BDSM sites. – Sorry.

  7. This is so… Disgusting to imagine. I can’t even fathom the hurt the woman went though.
    As said by gary, they must have been stoned and stupid, this is just too unbelievable othewise.

  8. Misha loves Enkidu… Misha loves Enkidu!

    @Everyone Else: I pray that were either stoned or drunk or in some other fashion impaired and not stone cold sober when they thought this up.

  9. Quite depressing and another proof it was a big fault climbing down the trees… or was it crawling out of the sea? *Sigh!*

  10. As to the power of the ‘Admitter’, as I recall, the magic blasts away everything except the person’s love for the ‘Admitter’, making them pretty much an obcessed slave. Females who use the power are badly weaken afterwards, pretty much helpless. Males however, are just fine, and thus farly much have absolute power. The thought is that absolute power corrupts absolutely, and thus Male ‘Admitters’ are Bad.

    …gah, can’t beleive I’ve wasted brain cells remembering all that….

  11. Meh, no brain cells wasted. Heck, that’s a perfectly good way to regenerate brain cells. At least you didn’t lost them like the power-tool guy and his gal.

    @Kev: you’re more than welcome to copypasta my part, after a decent dose of brain bleach coupled with some bits and pieces of alcohol. That should set you in the mood for pointing the stupidity of mankind at a specific scale.

    If I were Googling myself and found that, given the utter lack of thought processing, I’d think…”damn, I’m famous on the Internet now!! TAKE THAT SUCKAS!!”

    …That is, if I were that deprived of neurons. Bahamut bless D&D. And comics. And manga. AND Webcomics…and metal?

  12. Hey, all!

    Wow…leave of absence first. Lemme just say that going through everyday life and then discovering the Internet broken was crap. No internet, for me, = fandom withdrawls. Especially since I follow quite a few online comics. : /

    Second…Who is this trio of brave adventurers? I feel dumb because you’ve drawn them so meticulessly that I think you based them off of somewhere. Like when you drew Legolas.
    By the way, congragulate me, I just finished all four of those books. Makes me feel awesome. Nah, better. AwesomeSAUCE.

    I refuse to comment on your story of the day. That much swearing is probly illegal.

    P.S. All spelling, grammatical, ect. errors were made due to severe sleep deprevision and a “I-don’t-give-enough-of-a-****-to-look-it-up” mood.