467 – Hero Soup: 04


Slap Away Your Troubles With a Slap Chop

Vince Shlomi, the Shamwow guy, recently got himself in a spot o’ trouble with one Ms. Sasha Harris of Miami. Ms. Harris asked Vince if he wanted to have sex with her, to which he responded, “Sure, is a thousand dollars enough?”

Sasha followed Vince Β went up to his room… only to emerge shortly thereafter, her face a bruised and bloodied mess. She ran screaming to the lobby where the clerks quickly summoned the Miami police. According to Vince, he was kissing Sasha when she bit down on his tongue and wouldn’t let go, so he stood there and punched her in the face, with his tongue still held in her mouth, until she let go. Obviously he was wise to the old Miami hooker tongue-trap that had laid so many semi-celebs low in the past.Β 

Sasha refused to comment to the police because she’s a hooker,Β so obviously Vince must have been telling the truth about fucking up her face in the brave defense of his tongue.

In related news, Vince Shlomi’s newest tag line for his most recent product, the Slap Chop, is “You’re gonna love my nuts.”

I’m sure we will, Vince, I’m sure we will.

11 Responses to 467 – Hero Soup: 04

  1. Obviously she didn’t.

    I can see his mugshot at the cop shop… “you followin’ me, camera guy?”

    Obviously they couldn’t do it all day…

  2. 1k for sex? I haven’t met the woman yet that’s worth that much.

    Maybe sex for a week with meals included or something…

  3. Well, that guy’s story should be easy to verify, shouldn’t it?
    “Just show me your tongue, please, Sir… I see. Those deep painful bite marks she allegedly gave you must’ve healed already, I guess. It’s a miracle!”

    “1k for sex? I haven’t met the woman yet that’s worth that much.”

    Hate to burst your bubble, but managers of all those now bankrupt corporations were willing to pay housands of dollars per prostitute and hour. Of course, since it wasn’t their own money but company money they spent, they probably filed it under “a little economic stimulus package of our own, hahaha.”

    Just kidding. They really filed it as “computer consulting”, “construction expenses” and similar for their accountants.

    **Wall Street CEOs, investment bankers charged prostitutes on corporate cards, madam says**
    Published: Friday February 6, 2009

    “Visa, Mastercard or American Express? Or maybe a credit card from JP Morgan Chase?

    Wall Street CEOs, lawyers, bankers and media executives chalked up thousands of dollars in prostitution charges on their corporate credit cards — swiping their cards for $2,000 an hour prostitutes, according to a New York madam who pleaded guilty last year.

    Kristin Davis, the madam in question, went public to ABC News this week; ABC will be broadcasting her interview Friday at 10 pm. Davis says she has a list of 9,800 clients, many of whom she says New York prosecutors deliberately avoided when taking her case, even though she offered them her annotated client list.

    In what’s sure to create a media firestorm parallel to that of when a Washington, DC madam announced that she was publishing her client list (which included at least one senator), Davis’ comments come at a time where incredible ire is already focused on Wall Street and banking executives. The pressure for her to release the list will certainly be immense.

    But the pressure from New York’s finest prosecuting team was nearly zero, Davis said.

    “They showed no interest,” Davis quipped, alleging that they ignored that numerous corporate titans had used her services.(…)”

    Now, what I’d like to know is how much Karl “Turdblossom” paid that Jeff Gannon guy to stay in the White House overnight… every night.

  4. So I scrolled down the page to read the comments. Naturally, the first thing I noticed was Kevin’s post, as the text is in bold.

    @Me: Really? How much do you usually pay?

    I found that funny cause it when you reply to a name like “Me” it sounds like you are talking to yourself, which naturally led (given the blog’s subject matter) to the idea of Kevin having to pay for his sex.

    Which isn’t as odd an idea as it might sound. I recall an article where the husband had a higher sex drive so the wife offered to go beyond the traditional 3 nights a week, if he wanted, but said that he had to pay for the privilage. It worked well enough, plus it added a bit of a kinky feel when they they did that.

    Of course, you can always just go to Afganistan and wait for the new rape law to come into effect instead. Why should men have to ask permission from their wives in the first place anyway?

    Now, it’s not a perfect law (because women can still refuse to have sex if they are sick and it’s only once every 4 days instead of four times daily) but I’m sure we can all work together to make this the kind of world for men who what a nice harem of girls, a reality.

    Please give generously to help fund my advocacy group, “husbands deserve sex all the time” and, together, we can return to our rightful place in the world, before all this “equal rights” nonsense took hold.

    Why yes, I’m currently single. How did you know?