465 – Hero Soup: 02


NASA Murders Bat

batA free tail bat hanging on to the side of the shuttle Discovery’s external fuel tank was murdered as NASA engineers gave the go-ahead for launch on mission STS-119. It is unclear how long NASA had been waiting for a bat to land on the fuel tank before they sprang their trap. A wildlife expert who works with NASA tried to shift blame to the bat by saying the animal had a broken left wing… but failed to mention how a broken winged bat could have flown up to land on the orange foam covered tank in the first place. (Free tail bats love oranges, which is likely why NASA chose that color for their tanks.) The ice inspection team noticed the bat first, and were careful not to disturb it lest it flee the carefully laid NASA bat-trap.Β 

The bat clung to the foam of the external tank as long as his brave little bat-claws would hold him, before succumbing to a lack of breathable air and being whisked into the shuttle’s fiery exhaust of death.

NASA engineers celebrated their victory, even while the new Obama administration was opening a special task force to determine if space shuttle launches are the most economically efficient means for killing bats.

16 Responses to 465 – Hero Soup: 02

  1. Fortunately for Obama, NASA had already funded a study on the efficiency of killing bats with shuttles themelves. The study, surprisingly, found out that using space shuttle launches, far from being the most ridiculous mis-allocation of funds this side of the missile defense shield, were, in fact, the most efficient method of killing bats.

    When the federal government raised the issue that there might be some bias in using a study that was funded by NASA, for the benifit of NASA… NASA reminded the govermnent that if this sort of standard was to be used, then NASA would have to protest the governments use of Federally funded auditors to determine the worth of the subprime derivatives that, said goverernment, had just bought. NASA found it strange that these derivatives, which the market had priced as being worthless, was suddenly found, through a secret process, to be actually worth quite alot. NASA also found it odd that the study also “discovered” that this whole banking crisis was just a bunch of silliness after all with no real basis in reality and that all consumers should go back to buying things on debt once again, even though that’s how we got into this mess in the first place.

    In the end, it was agreed that funding for the killing of bats using shuttles would expand, as this labor intense process has been proven to be an excellent way to help maintain American jobs during the worldwide economic crisis. Especially once the “buy American” clause had been added to the contract.

  2. I don’t know about the shuttle being the most economically efficient way of killing bats, but it sure is in my top 10 of coolest ways of killing bats.

  3. I think that if the shuttle was made of solid gold, this would attract a higher class of bat, plus would help with the economic stimuls in smaller countries.

    To help people feel involved in the bat extermination, the government should make all citizens hand over any items made of gold (rings, bracelets etc) for use in the construction of the bat extermination device.

    While it is true that gold is heavier than the normal materials used in shuttle building, that is fine, there is enough oil being dug out of the ground to satisfy the needs of the fuel for the shuttle.


  4. Strip comedy: win
    Enkidu catchphrase: win
    Blog story halarity: win
    NASA: fail
    Bat: fail

    Great entertainment this a.m.! (Except for the poor bat. Why the hell didn’t they just brush it off? There were obviously close enough to take a freakin’ picture of it!)

  5. Of course, I find myself wondering which town is being attacked by lizardmen and if a certain party of adventurers were busy thwarting the attack. If so, I am quite sure that Enkidu would be impressed with the use of firepower. πŸ˜‰

  6. Not to break your crayons, Tonya, but a skyship traveling between Karas Kain and Laketown would have no need to come anywhere near a certain party of adventurers.

    I consider that a blessing, by the way. πŸ™‚

  7. LOL! No, no. I’m afraid that the comic and current D&D games I’m running must not mix. I have quite enough trouble keeping my thoughts straight as it is. (Which is not to say that they won’t share thematic elements… after all they do inhabit the same world… only that won’t be sharing story lines.)

    I guess really I should explain. A comic, like any other story, is more or less under the control of the writer. (In theory, anyway.) It would make for a terrible game, because I would be dictating to you what your characters would be doing to fit the story. Conversely, a game would make a hopelessly confusing and scattered story, since the characters are (by necessity) totally out of control and tend to whipsaw back and forth in and out of the plot as their attention and inclinations dictate. Totally frustrating as any kind of reading experience.

    The DM in HOLE deals with this kind of behavior by becoming a bigger ass than the players. I like to run my games by allowing the characters unlimited lead to do what they want and accept the consequences. The two approaches are just too different to mix without both of them suffering.