446 – Recap: 3


In a swedish zoo lives a chimpanzee named Santino that has set the animal behaviorist world afire.

In the calm mornings before the zoo opens, Santino quietly makes his way around the outside of his stone and concrete enclosure, placidly rapping on the walls. When he hears a hollow rap, he knocks a little harder until some of the concrete comes free. (Duing the night water can get into the wall and freeze, pushing the concrete out and creating patches of instability.) Santino then collects his chunks of stone and cement, and makes little piles of them along the front of his enclosure facing the observation area where zoo visitors will stand to see him.

Then he waits.

Invariably, some yahoo will come along and piss Santino off. The chimp hoots, growls, slaps the ground… and then pelts the offending public with his stashes of rocks, stones, and small boulders. He does this every day. (Except in the off season when the crowds are much smaller.) Scientists are all a dither because it proves conclusively that not only are chimps capable of planning ahead, they are also able to foresee future mental states. Santino is calm as he collects his arsenal, and only uses it after he gets angry. (Zookeepers now sweep Santino’s cage every morning for rock-piles, to protect visitors to the zoo.)

I am installing a gate next week around my house, to be used to house my seven new guardian-chimpanzees, who will be fed only theΒ Jehovah’sΒ Witnesses and magazine salesmen that they kill. I am also digging up all the grass in my front yard and replacing it with fist-sized rocks. Sharp ones.

7 Responses to 446 – Recap: 3

  1. No no no.
    Animals are stupid. Stupid!!! They can’t have anything even approaching our own mental prowesses, this’d undermine man’s god-given superiority over nature :O

  2. i for one dont believe that animals are stupid.my dog for example is very smart.i have only had to tell her no for any situation that i dont want her to do(like touch my plate) one time. she fully knows exactly what i am saying and what i mean when i say it.i also have a cat thats very smart because she can get me to do exactly what she wants me to do whenever she wants. so are my animals dumb? if they can manipulate their surroundings to their liking then they are smart.if they can coexist with humans and be happy then they are smart.as for our god given superiority over nature we’re only renting and we will get evicted soon if we’re not carefull to pay that rent

    and i hope that someone bothered to write down their xp so they know what lvl they are. this has caused alot of confusion in many games that i have played in or dm’ed. what i started telling players that didnt write it down was “oh i guess you didnt get any xp and you are lvl 1.” which we all know is the worst place to be in an rpg.especially 1st edition dnd (which is what we at my table play {we’re all a bunch of old farts….well only me}) πŸ™‚

  3. I have a pet chimp.

    He is really stupid.

    I gave him my maths homework, he does the addition fine, but the only thing he can subtract is bananas.

  4. chimps… ok…

    but imagine this… a couple chimps holding crude spears, each on a full grown pig. Pigs snorting, chimps screaming and waving spears wildly. even of they end up not getting near the trespassers, and never figure out how to use the spears, the trespassers will soil themselves and never ever come back.

    Oh, and please youtube it and send me the link, I would love to see a real chimp on a real pig, holding a spear and screamming while riding it. (the spear can be fake :O )