(Okay, I’m not supposed to be posting this today because of the server migration, and I hope I don’t get smacked down for it, but I figured you guys at least deserved the attempt.)
Meet Antonio Vazquez de Alba, the self-proclaimed “Grand Warlock” of Mexico and leader of the National Association of Sorcerers. Outside of the NAS, Alba is known mostly for his prognostications, which he comes out with annually. For 2008, the Grand Warlock foresaw the suicide of Britney Spears, the presidential victory of Hillary Clinton, (in fairness, lots of people got that one wrong) a stable oil economy, the death of Fidel Castro, the bisexual experimentation of Antonio Banderas, (I guess this one could be right) and that Luis Miguel will gain weight.
Now that we’re into 2009, Alba has a new set of predictions for the next 365 days. Fortunately for her, Britney is off the hook this year, as she is set to continue to flourish as she always has in the past, the United States will withdraw all of it’s troops from Iraq… only to deploy them along our southern border in preparation for our invasion of Mexico. (Man, everyone thinks we want to take over Mexico!)
It’s not all pop stars and puppies for the Warlock though. (I just call him the Warlock. We’re tight like that.) Alba takes occasional flack from “the Brothers,” a collective of shamans, wizards, witches, healers, fortune tellers, psychics, seers, herbalists, and other drunks who reside in the mystic village of Catemaco, who seem to think that the Warlock is full of hooey. Why the bad mojo between the Brothers and the NSA? Master Jacinto, spokesman for the Brothers, explains that while they practice spiritualism, the Warlock practices spiritism. So that explains that.
For myself, I’m hoping that the Warlock predicts financial ruin, weight gain, and more cats. I could use his kind of bad news.