315-We’re Going WHERE?

 

(Warning: possible “too soon” alert!)


Worse than China?

Wal Mart employee Vince Weiguang Li, 40, of Edmonton Canada, while riding a Greyhound bus in Manitoba calmly took out a large survival knife which might have been purchased at Wal Mart, and stabbed fellow passenger Tim McLean to death, before beheading the man, cutting pieces off of him, possibly eating some but also storing some of the bits in a plastic zip-lock baggie which almost certainly came from Wal Mart, or some other very similar store.

Once taken by police, Li would only say “Please kill me” over and over again, clearly not wishing to return to work at Wal Mart, which could have crushed his soul.

Li had immigrated to Canada two years ago from International Human Rights offender China, which could have contributed to his snap. “It would have been an awful blow to a person’s psyche,” said an undisclosed source, “moving away from that horrible, horrible place just to find yourself working for Wal Mart.”

Did Li work for Lee?
Li, a forty year-old man, would have been well-postioned to have been captured and set to work in one of Kathy Lee Gifford’s textile sweat shops as a younger man, ironically providing clothing and profit for the same international conglomerate which likely ground his humanity under it’s jackbooted heel. “His life would have been one of constant punishment, humiliation, and deprivation.” claims our source. “Plus, Gifford only provided benefits to workers who put in 28 or more hours a day, as opposed to other clothing slave rings like Adidas and the Gap, who provide insurance and vacation time at the more reasonable 25 hours a day.”

Experts agree Wal Mart at fault.
While the experts certainly don’t agree that Wal Mart is at fault, a few conclusions can be drawn. First, as a poor immigrant recently come from China, there is almost no way Li was a long-time Dungeons and Dragons player. Second, Wal Mart employees are now over ten million times as likely to behead a person on a Greyhound in Manitoba as a player of Dungeon and Dragons. Third, Dungeons and Dragons teaches self-actualization, teamwork, and literacy, while Wal Mart teaches stultifying boredom, personality-destroying humiliation, and fear of laughter, happiness, and education. Finally, every time you shop at Wal Mart god drowns a puppy, while every time you play Dungeons and Dragons god gives some poor African kid a brand new computer.

The conclusions are obvious.


In unrelated news, Heroes of Lesser Earth, Book 2: Glandiri’s Gold will soon be available for purchase! It contains the Playorc interview with Enkidu, as well as the entire second story arc of the webcomic, from #116 to #272!

3 Responses to 315-We’re Going WHERE?

  1. Oh man I am from Edmonton. I remember that happening last year. Tim was sleeping and listening to music when it happened. The psycho did eat large amounts of him. When the cops showed up he walked to the front of the bus (everyone else was already off) and calmly dropped the guy’s severed head for the cops to see. It was right messed. I actually went to school with Tim. He was on his way out to Manitoba to work as a carnie.

    I don’t remember exactly what happened, but I am pretty sure they discided that mister Vince was insane.

    If I had read this last year, I would have found it a little offensive (it was what maybe a little over a week after it happened that you made the post?), but as it stands that was a pretty good story.

  2. I also remember reading bout this happening… My chaotic evil side that hates most of humanity was happy because it seemed that blades were making a comeback as the psycho weapon of choice. Also, yay cannibalism. Always a good choice when trying to make the “I’m insane” defense work.
    My good side would have been appalled, but instead remembered having applied to Wal-Mart for some extra cash one Christmas season and after an hour long digital paperwork ordeal, the computer told me that I was not good enough to be a Wal-Mart employee…