Well, it all started out innocently enough, but the ball is apparently rolling of its own accord now. Just so you’ll all know who you’re voting for, here are a few of my campaign positions:

10% flat tax across the board.

Cigarette company execs will be forced to smoke the most toxic product their company produces constantly during all waking hours.

Straight people will be charged an extra 15% surcharge on Diana Ross, George Michael and Erasure albums, as well as DVDs of Marilyn Monroe, Judy Garland, and James Dean movies. Proceeds will go towards buying Queer Eye ad spots on Fox News.

Pro abortion and pro death penalty. In fact, pro anything that keeps the lines moving.

Kicking god out of schools, courthouses, and Saturday morning TV when stations should be playing monster movies.

Joss Whedon will be given his own network.

US troops will be pulled out of the Middle East, taught to bake cakes, pastries and cookies, and will pay for themselves by marketing “The Military Sweets” to grocery stores around the world.

All the money currently being earmarked for offshore drilling will instead go to renewable energy sources. The windfall from no longer having to pay for drilling, mining, and refining our energy sources will go towards buying up all of Saudi Arabia’s hotels and convenience stores as their economy goes belly-up.

Finally, the stars and stripes will be replaced with the Batman logo. Anyone who wants to burn it as part of their freedom of speech is free to do so, but they do run the risk of being dangled off of a building by their ankles.


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