250-Nothing Like Gratitude

What would you do if you won the lotto? New car? European vacation? Like many, I entertain myself sometimes while driving with this little fantasy. Apart from the obvious things (pay off the house, replace the roof, that sort of thing) there are a few other things I’d want to do if I suddenly became an overnight millionaire.

First; I’d buy me a politician. That’d be awesome. I could write them checks in exchange for talking about how great my webcomic is, or make them cluck like a chicken on the news, or dance the mashed potato at building dedications. What fun!

Second; I’d sponsor a new line of stem cells, and name it after me. The “Kevin Pettway Thinks George W. Bush is an Ass” line. I’d do my best to get this new line into the hands of the most promising researchers, so that the Kevin Pettway Thinks George W. Bush is an Ass stem cells would get prominent mention in scientific journals, in newspapers, on the radio, and on television. Maybe even on Oprah!

Third; (and this is a good one) I’d start placing solar panels on the roofs of as many homes as I could here in Florida in return for say… 25% of the proceeds they would make selling the excess electricity back to the power company. It’s a little bit of capital investment, but I could make great revenue in a fairly short period of time, green up our planet a little, and bankrupt the stupid power company all in one fell swoop! Then I could take over the power company, convert it to a strictly grid power selling arrangement, sell that to the municipality, furthering my plans of evil populist world domination! Mu-hu-ha-ha-ha-ha!

Fourth; no one has ever sent me unsolicited emails trying to sell me Spam. With that in mind, I will launch a PR campaign to change the name of said unsolicited emails to Viagra. We will have Viagra blockers, anti-Viagra legislation, and “stiff” penalties for individuals caught lifting addresses for distribution of their Viagra. The Spam guys over at Hormel will love me, the Viagra guys over at Phizer will hate me, and Lena will be happy because I’ll stop making bad email puns whenever she eats Spam. (Neither of us take Viagra.)

Fifth; I’ll create a new line of green automobiles that run on ambient carbon monoxide fumes and create grapefruit juice as a by-product. I love grapefruit juice.

Sixth; I have always felt that someone should start an intervention program for people who want to be on the Jerry Springer Show, for people who think that chihuahuas are fashion accessories, and for people who are thinking about voting for Hillary just because she’s a woman, Obama just because he’s black, or McCain justbecause he was hunting buddies with George Washington. It’s hard to sit by and watch things like that happen to otherwise decent folks.

Finally; I’ll start a new string of animated shorts for Saturday mornings, (think Schoolhouse Rock) teaching kids the things they’ll really need to know, like how to drive, not picking stupid people to cheat from, and how to play poker. Oh! and they’re gonna need to know how to fill out a lotto ticket too. I don’t want to hog all the fun!

What would you do if you won the lotto?

One Response to 250-Nothing Like Gratitude

  1. One. Pay off the debt my wife and I have, and go back to school. I was 19 and knew more than my college professors… Besides, there’s plenty of time to get my degree later… Now at 28 I would really like to kick that younger me…

    Two. I would take care of my friends and family – you know, give back to the people who have helped me during my life.

    Three. I would open a game shop here in Atlanta. There is a D&D computer system that is REALLY pricy, but cool. The only way anyone could afford it would be to either win the lotto or have it as part of a business. I am not selfish enough to keep such a device for my fun only, I would share and the best place to do that would be a game shop that hosts daily games from different systems. Magic the Gathering, D&D, and Warewolf are close to my heart, but there are plenty of other game systems out there that have just as much if not more cool ideas and games. I won’t discriminate. Except against yugi-oh. ick.