This started off as a response to a chain letter my sister sent me. I hate those things. “Send this letter ahead to 40 of your closest friends and good fortune will come to you. Delete it and Baby Jesus will die.”
They usually have some letter trying to make you feel guilty about not going to church or why it’s really Satan’s plan to let people speak Spanish instead of Amurican or an uplifting tale of a little boy who beat his cancer against overwhelming odds by ignoring his doctor’s advice and simply forwarding a chain letter email to 40 of his closest friends. My sister’s email apparently just contained a list of inspirational aphorisms to make you smile, but I never actually got to them. As soon as I saw the giant list of previous recipients I hit DELETE. (And far off in the distance a baby abruptly stopped crying.)
Anyway my sister gave me the what-for for deleting the email she had gone to the trouble to send me. To make up for it, I sent her the following…
A bird in the hand is not better than a poke in the bush.
Don’t take any wooden nickels. But if someone is giving away daiquiris, jump on that.
Don’t eat any wooden pickles.
Fortune smiles on those who already have a lot of money.
Road rage is for cars. Road revenge is for tanks.
That which does not kill us makes us stronger. Unless we just end up with a lot of broken bones — we wouldn’t be stronger then. Or if the thing that didn’t kill us was marshmallows or eggs benedict or something like that. We might gain a few pounds, but we wouldn’t really be any stronger. TV doesn’t kill us either. Come to think of it, this is a pretty stupid saying.
Say you hate the sin, and love the sinner while no one is looking.
Eat, drink, and be merry. Duh.
If you can’t beat ‘em, get someone else to beat ‘em.
Money is the root of all evil. By “all evil” I mean only the evil that has anything to do with money. I doubt that the devil cares at all about money. Wait… do you you think they have money in hell? Noooo… no way. If there was money in hell then people would go shopping, and shopping is fun. Money’s kinda fun too. Maybe money is the root of all really fun evil.
Other people’s children should be seen and not heard. My children are smart and funny.
Forgive and… something…
All’s fair in love and war, if you’re a bastard.
Good fences make good barriers to neighbors watching you have sex in the hot tub in your back yard. (You know that’s what it really means.)
Three lefts make a right.
You can’t fight City Hall, but you can probably get away with slashing its tires.
Join in the fun! If you have any happening proverbs, put ‘em below! After all… God helps those who help me write funny blogs.