186-Unwelcome News

GKP News Service 9/18/2007
Jacksonville, Florida

 

Host of the O’Reilly Factor and failed comedian Bill O’Reilly was smitten by God yet again yesterday when he contracted a sudden and mysterious case of projectile diarrhea which lifted him fully seven feet out of his chair, and caused the failed fisherman a slight concussion as he struck his head on the studio ceiling.

O’Reilly was taken to Chastity General Hospital for his injuries where the failed porn writer was placed in the mental health ward for observation. Attending physician Dr. Iron I.C. Justice said that O’Reilly’s craziness, though well documented, was not the reason for him being in the loony bin, it was just that the sheets there were made of rubber and a lot easier to clean.

This makes the fifth official time that failed office bully O’Reilly has been smitten by God. Estimates of unofficial smitings run into the dozens. On the Factor alone O’Reilly has been plagued with locusts, nearly drowned by a river of blood, and had his penis turned into Jane Fonda. (This is also the incident which led to the now-infamous Bill O’Reilly gets his testicles bitten off by Jane Fonda video still circulating on YouTube today.) In fact, Fox Network estimates that over ninety percent of Factor Fans are actually tuning in to see when and how God is finally going to kill O’Reilly. Fox has chosen to capitalize on this phenomenon with their wildly successful “Kill Bill” advertising campaign, making the show the most popular it has ever been, coming in right behind America’s Funniest Crotch-Shots, now in permanent re-runs.

Failed human O’Reilly was unavailable for an interview, though he did make public the following press release:

“This is just like what I’ve been saying all along. Sure God is love, sure He’s infinite in His mercy, but God’s also a hater. God hates people, it’s a well-documented fact, and I am a person. That’s also a fact. Now I’m sure that God doesn’t hate me any more than any other person, per se, but He knows that I call ’em like I see ’em, and God hates that. That’s why God hates the Factor. He knows that He’s in a no-spin zone, and He doesn’t like it. It’s a documented fact that God only even talks to people who’ve already bought into all of His malarky. I haven’t. That’s why God created revisionist history. He changed history to make it look like I never won a single Peabody Award, when it’s a well documented fact that I won three. And that’s a fact.”

God, speaking through interpreter Robert Tilton, had the following to say about the incident:

“Our Lord GOD loves the sinners like Bill O’Reilly. God takes that poor man to his bosom, and He… (edited for flatulence) Thank you Jesus! God holds that poor man in his arms and He says, “Bill, you’ve been a…” (edited for flatulence) Praise God! He says, “You’ve been a bad boy Billy-boy. You’ve been a bad man.” And then God sets that man down on his… (edited for flatulence) Hallelujah! Praise the Lord! He sets that man down on his feet, and He habuko pollywoddle gabba gabba ding-dong eyepoop! Ragula baloney flimmity-flam jezimee clop. Arroo-woo artoodeetoo inmiepantz cowglippersed… Haawooooo…Send me money!”

 

Failed journalist O’Reilly is expected to be released some time next week, for which Chastity General refuses to apologize.

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Once more, Friday, October 5th is the Amelia Island Book Festival’s Books by the Beach event at Slider’s Seaside Grill. The event starts at 4:00 P.M. out back on the ocean side, and lasts until 6:00. Sliders is a full bar and awesome restaurant so it should be a blast.

Good news! Ancient City Con called with a cancellation so we will be in attendance! Anyone who wants to stop by, say hello, grab a book, get a sketch, or just swap stories is welcome to swing by the table! Ancient City Con is Saturday October 6th, (one day only) at the Comfort Suites at World Golf Village of St. Augustine. Doors open at 8:00 A.M.

 

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