164-Party Planners

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I really do believe in god. Okay, maybe I don’t believe in the fairy-tale version of god as Santa Claus who dispenses favors and wishes from his magic throne in the sky, but I do believe that this universe created itself along with everything in it, which certainly denotes the possibility of intelligence, and I believe that there is a spiritual aspect to our lives about which we understand very little.

I have a good relationship with my spiritual side, one that is full of wonder and discovery and that brings me happiness. It is not threatened by D&D or Harry Potter or Scientologists or gay marriage. Democrats are not seeking to lure me into hell, nor are thong bikinis, Pro-Rights advocates, the internet, World of Warcraft and my Playstation, or even equal pay for women. When I look at the crazy-sounding Moral Majority I sit back and think “What is wrong with these people? How scary is their world?” But the longer I contemplate it, the more I am drawn to a simple yet inescapable conclusion. There can only be one reason my soul is not under constant attack from all influences not approved by Jerry Falwell and Pat Robertson while the souls of others must endure constant battle for righteousness.

My soul isn’t worth as much as theirs.

God-fearing, upright, Christian souls taste better, are less filling, and drive 33% farther between refills. They are better-looking, lower-fat, will make your teeth whiter and never leave you with that not-so-fresh feeling. Christian souls are faster, stronger, better than before, and in case the point wasn’t getting driven home, they are for a certainty better than mine.

My soul is showing wear. A little ratty around the edges, some dirt stains that’ll never completely come out. The sole of my soul has holes in it from all the distances we’ve travelled together. It’s like a well-worn and much-loved sneaker. It means a lot to me, it is comfortable and familiar, but other people think I ought to pitch it and get some Jordans. I see that as similar to the curse of having a really awesome car stereo. It sounds great, but you only get to listen to it for short periods of time when you should really be concentrating on something else, and any time you’re out of the car, you’re always worried about someone stealing it. I don’t need Jordans. I don’t play basketball anyway.

I am in fact quite content with my discount, bargain-bin soul. I like that the world doesn’t scare me the way it does those with the big, shiny, expensive souls. When I die and move on from this world, I don’t need to join the chorus of the billions of other souls in heaven who must stand for all of eternity singing about how cool the dude on the magic throne is. I’ll be down the street, in the apartment over the bakery, drawing cartoons and listening to oldies on your stolen car stereo.

A Scholarly Discusson on this Subject.
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16 Responses to 164-Party Planners

  1. Nice to read that not all americans are the hollier than thou sort, which is the most common variety, if you look from the outside πŸ™‚

    Even though i have no idea who those guys are , i still agree with you, and proudly say, that i love my worn down soul with all the stains and black spots. It's what makes it so special. It's like when you meet new people, the most boring sort are the ones, who has walked the straight and narrow all their lives, but the ones who has jumped through hoops, and lived on the shady side of life are so much more interesting.

    btw im from denmark and read your comics faithfully, keep up th good work πŸ™‚

    • The “hollier than thou sort, which is the most common variety, if you look from the outside” are not more common, they just talk more and louder. (I think it is so they can convince themselves the Flying Spaghetti Monster is less logical than Santa-God.)

  2. Paul – Yep we were getting up to 200 spam comments a day and were wasting a lot of energy and bandwidth. I'm happy to say this has removed the issue.

  3. BTW, anyone who has ever seen or even has a passing familiarity with He-Man and the the Masters of the Universe, should at the very least watch that video to the point where the interviewer takes out the Snake Mountain playset. That bit is priceless.

  4. Wow, just wow. It is amazing how many christians take everything as an attack on their faith. Similar to the backlash against the Harry Potter books when they came out because it "encouraged witchcraft"

    You have a great way of looking at things, and I always like to remember this saying when someone gets too uptight.

    "God is looking at the world through your eyes. Are you showing him a good time?"

    Btw… WoW is the debil! You should really check out eq2. Not nearly so many people like "Playakillah" in there lol.

  5. My soul is nothing like an expensive car stereo. I wouldn’t know what to do with a soul like that. My brother invested in a car stereo like that with his first truck. He seemed to like it just fine, but myself, I always thought it sounded worse then the normal radio he replaced it with. Sure, that one couldn’t play CDs but it didn’t make those CDs sound flat. I bought the truck off him, shiny stereo and all. I couldn’t ever figure out how to work all the hidden features, so kept it tuned to “I think it’s a little less flat with the settings here.” If it’s any kind of metaphor for souls I’m sure I’d wind up feeling the same way. If I did get one of those shiny black (because it’s sleek and stylish) souls, then I wouldn’t know what to do with it, I’d think it sounded worse then my old one, and I’d have been looking for a way to eBay it ever since.

  6. Very well put! I am actually of the Christ-following variety, though I find myself less and less willing to describe myself as a "Christian" as that word denotes all of the things that I hate about religion and the shallow, business-like nature of the "church" in general.

    FYI, my soul is travel-worn too, and if our souls are travel-worn then I have to tell that it is my firm belief that the souls of Jerry Falwell and Pat Robertson, among many other so-called evangelists, are stained black.

    Well.. maybe we're all stained black, except that some people have figured out that God doesn't require us to hide that fact and pretend it doesn't exist. He's like Clinton and Stacy London – always buying me a new wardrobe when my current one gets dirty.

    Oh yeah.. I like your comic, by the way πŸ™‚

  7. I belong to a religion that is not really a religion. The reason i am part of it is for one single fact they don't believe in religious dogma . No one religion should be ahead of another. And referring to the soul stains i will bet you a billion dollars the people without black souls aren't the Christians or the Jews or the Muslims, its the Buddhists and Hindus.
    P.S. Have bots been spamming why a verify code now.

  8. That's an awesome way of looking at it, dude.

    I've never really understood the whole magic wish throne god. Omniscience or omnipotence (they amount to the same thing, because if you know everything and can have any effect at all, you know how to use your limited power to limitless effect, as might Aristotle) AND benevolence… don't produce the world we live in.

    By and large, most worshippers, of any organized religion I've run across (though oddly, in my experience, Mormons do this the least), tend to disprove their own ideologies, merely through their actions. They lay claim to a god that enforces a certain standard of behaviour, but they don't hold themselves to said standard, and then insist that they're headed off to some sort of eternal reward. But your essay there explains that perfectly. Their souls are more valuable, and therefore their transgressions are more easily overlooked, since after all, the God-critter wants to have those souls more than he/she/it wants to have the souls of others.

    It fits so perfectly! πŸ˜€

  9. You know, uh, not *all* fundamentalist Christians are holier-than-thou or believe that the world is a scary place where we are constantly under demonic assault. Just because you hear from the people who shout the loudest doesn’t mean that they’re representing all of us. Many of us are just as disgusted by the way our “brethren” do things as you are. I, for instance, believe that homosexuality is a sin and abortion is murder, but you’ll never see me protesting or screaming about it. Simply put, that’s not what the Bible tells us to do. We’re told to spread the gospel — i.e. that Jesus is God and took the penalty for our sins so that we don’t have to. Where in that message does it say “protest against everything, for we are to control the world”?

    It’s frustrating, actually, to see that people like me are relegated to the loony bin — effectively shooting down the message Jesus asked us to spread — thanks to the efforts of some pig-headed, self-righteous Pharisees.

  10. After reading that last Blog I just had to comment. I find the direction of Religion a fascinating subject and the people that blindly follow its direction often very comical. Religion has its importance in our lives, teaches morals, community, selfless thinking, the idea that our actions today affect us beyond our mortal lives. When religion is Pressed on us, used for political aggression, or simply to command the Mob I have to really laugh, its almost comical, because it really does not mean anything for everything is subjective. If someone is taught that all Purple is evil and must be destroyed and dies understanding that this is fact does that mean Purple is evil? of course not, but to that person Purple is evil, even if Purple was a harmless fluffly white bunny. I truly believe that every person makes up what they decide to be an understanding of “Good” and what a “Soul” is and if other people have a right to influence that part of themselves. People need to decide for themselves what their religious beliefs are and how to act upon them, the Bible or any other written document was created by ‘Man’ not a majestic being and as such is Flawed because Man is Flawed, people need to understand that Religion is flawed and is only a tool to help oneself not follow blindly and irrationally.

    When I look into my Soul I see only goodness, comfort, and warmth. It is not because I am a Good person but more because I feel that I am opposite of Dark, Hurtful, and Despair. I don’t know if I will go to Heaven but I know I am not fit for hell, in fact I don’t believe in Hell as in fire and brimstone but rather Hell to me is an Eternity of Regret for ones actions and constant telling that there is nothing you can do. Nothingness scares me more than punishment, because with punishment I am at least something.

    When I die my soul will shine brightly to help guide those lost on their way, I believe this internally, no book or lecture or house of worship has taught me this.

  11. My friends look at me funny when I mention in passing that I am, actually and truthfully, a Christian. Just not a church going Christian. I guess they expect sermons or something from me. Not even if hell froze over. I stopped attending when I got tired (more like sick of) of people who have no idea who I am telling me that I’m going to Hell if (insert nonsensical dogma here) and I don’t (insert even more nonsensical dogma). Look, I see evil as the willingness to hurt when no hurt is needed or required. It takes all kinds to make the world go ’round and I believe that it would be a sorry place indeed if everyone was exactly alike. As a basic rule I try to follow the ten commandmants but being human, don’t always succeed. Nowhere in there does it say “Thou shalt be a self-rightious, sanctimonious prick to those who do not think or look like you.” I can’t stand those who figure that their faith entitles them to look down on others. Other cultures can teach me a lot if I’m willing to listen; other faiths have made me explore mine with more of an open mindset. There is usually more than one “right” way to approach life and I feel somewhat sorry for those who’s minds are so closed that thay can’t see the beauty of all creation whoever might be resonsible for it. As that’s all I wanted to say, thanks for listening and I’ll get off my soapbox now.